I'm sorry you're dealing with this crap at this time of year, and I know it's frustrating to feel like you're being dragged down just when you've decided to move forward. Keep being patient (I *hate* being patient!), you're doing great. You've always wanted to make your M work and now you want to make your D work. The reality is that your H is very lucky you're you, however he may feel about that at the moment.
I'm a little confused by some of what you've been told; it doesn't exactly match my understanding. I'm far from an expert; what I "know" has come to me from our mediator (who is an attorney) and what Steff has passed along from talks with her lawyer. I talked to my own lawyer several months ago but we didn't cover topics like this.
Our agreement was drawn up by the mediator, has yet to be approved by her lawyer and put into final form, and obviously has yet to be approved by a judge. If your H thinks your SA is full of loopholes he'd probably scoff at ours. It was, however, created by a Virginia lawyer so I don't know why it would apply to your sitch as well. Custody-wise, we have basically what you're looking for. We split physical custody 50/50. I would claim we have shared custody but that may not be totally legally correct. Our agreement says every effort will be made to include both parents in all decisions and that in cases of utter disagreement we will ask for help from a third party we both agree to or, if we both agree to do so, we'll go back to the mediator. It also says that in emergencies or time-sensitive situations, Steff can make decisions on the boys' behalf. I wasn't entirely happy about that but I work 50 miles form home and I don't want it to ever happen where something needs to be done quickly but it's postponed while they try to hunt me down. So far (6 months in), this has never been an issue.
We split physical custody like this: Steff has MT, I have WTh and we alternate FSaSu. It works pretty well for the parents but it's a lot of transitions for the kids. Alternating weeks is worth considering but it's a lot of time away. One thing we don't have which I *highly* recommend is to make the parent who's home the kids are currently in responsible for getting them ready for the transition. In other words, it's a pain for one parent to go to the other parent's house to pick the kids up. The parent they're currently with has no incentive to get them ready and you end up getting stuck there as the kids scramble around trying to remember everything they want to take with them. Better to do it at a neutral site or for the parents to drop off rather than pick up.
As for your H, again, you can't make him act in his own best interests. He can mediate and give up some things he wants or he feels he's owed or he can go to court. If he goes to court he risks much more. If he doesn't think he can work with a mediator he's going to have a blast working with your lawyer and it will cost him much more. Splitting the mediation costs makes sense; you're both saving money as opposed to each paying your own lawyer (unless someone has a family member who's an attorney or something).
You're obviously quite willing to work with him and you want everything to occur in the best possible manner. You can't do that by yourself. Don't look to pi$$ him off, but don't be scared to, either. I know he seems like an all-or-nothing, dig his heels in forever sort of person. Even stubborn people, though, eventually figure out a way to make things work for themselves. If his stubborness costs him time with his children he'll eventually figure out a way to get over his anger and intractability if time with his children is actually important to him. He'll realize working with you is better for him than enforcing his will on you once it's clear that trying to enforce his will doesn't get him what he wants. It may take awhile, though, before that's totally clear to him.
You can't ruin an R that you don't want to ruin, Heather. Your H can ruin it no matter what your intentions. Don't walk on eggshells to try to make this work for him. Be as fair as you can, accept that you're doing your best and let him deal with the consequences of his decisions. If he wants to blame you for everything, he will. Period. There's nothing you can do about that so don't internalize it. If you run everything thru the "Will this make H mad?" filter you're going to do yourself and your kids a great disservice.
I don't know who you have available for resources, but I could ask Jennbird to email you. She's in Richmond. Her custody schedule is a little more typical where she has her son more than her H does but I don't remember all the details. She's not worried about upsetting xH, either, so she may be a good one to talk to.
If you have any questions I haven't touched on, specific or general, just let me know.
Good luck!
(Oh, and I believe Joe has 50/50 custody where they alternate weeks so you might want to ask him about that. His kids and my kids are older than yours, though, and he's in Maryland. But still.)
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
