Afterall...This IS my Life

[heatherg]

My options at this point...it seems that I'm going to have to make this separation happen by myself, which is to be expected I guess, but it also makes it even harder and scarier.
H has already turned down the separaion papers that I gave him. I drafted the custody schedule and sent it to my lawyer and he dropped it into some routine separation papers. H said it was full of loopholes. I guess I wasn't thinking in terms of loopholes....I mean, with shared custody the point is that parents are supposed to do it together, work together, coparent. Everything is not necessarily written down, just the basic schedule and we'll work out everything else as it comes. Our kids are 3 and 6, there is no way to anticpate everything we're going to need to agree on, ya knnow?
But, ok. I cannot make him sign the papers. So. What next? Y'all suggested mediation. I have my doubts about whether or not that will work, but I guess it's something to try. I'm thinking that going to court will not be good for anyone, so I should try to avoid it at all costs. H said he'd go to mediation. That sounds positive, but he also said he'd go to counseling and nothing got accomplished. Going and doing are two different things. Plus he made a comment along the lines of 'I'll know in the first 10 mins whether it's someone I can talk to or not' when I asked him if he had any suggestions regarding who we should see. That sounds to me like he's setting the stage, but we'll see. I got a recommendation from my L and left a voicemail yesterday to schedule an appt. For you guys that have gone through the mediation process, are the costs split 50/50 or am I supposed to pay for it all? That could be another problem. Ok, so let's say we get all of the above worked out. If custody is anything less than 50% for H or if I try to establish myself as primary custodian, H will not agree to anything in mediation. So, I have to be prepared going in to accept that I will see my kids only 50% of the time and will likely have to battle with H on every decision regarding the kids later on. I have very mixed feelings. My L explained to me that shared custody is what I'm talking about when I explain a 50/50 rotation schedule and in that scenario, no one is named 'primary' custodian, we are both expected to work together to make decisions regarding the kids. Joint custody is where someone is named primary custodian and the parents are still expected to work together, however, the primary custodian has final decision making authority. When I heard that, I said 'that's what I want'. But it later came out that in that kind of a setup, H would only be entitled to 91 overnight visits a year. I would never do that to H or to the kids. They need their father more than that. I asked if I could give more visitiation and L said yes, but that eventually he would probably take me back to court and explain that we've virtually been sharing custody and the court may possibly change the custody order and revoke a 'primary' status from me. In which case, why did I drag everybody through all that for nothing? L said I was getting way ahead of myself and that by that time, there would be other factors that could support me retaining primary custodian, but I have to think ahead. I have to make sure that what I do truly is in the best interests of the kids. I don't want to ruin H and I's R going forward for nothing, because that WILL negatively impact the kids.
So, I can go to mediation and give that a shot. H will either shoot it down making court inevitable or he will cooperate at which point I have to be absolutely sure that I'm willing to sign off on that much of my kids' lives.
Or, I can go straight to court and really upset H when he learns what joint custody really means. The thought of only 91 overnight visits will terrify him and all bets WILL be off at that point as he fights that. Even if I explain that I honestly intend to give him more visitation than that, he would never believe me. I wouldn't believe him if it were reversed, ya know?
So folks, there are my sparkling options. Aren't they fcking great?
I know no one said this would be easy. I'm leaning toward mediation and 50/50 because I feel like the benefits of going to court are not worth the costs. I'd like to not have to battle H on every decision with the kids, but OTOH, how many major decisions do you make regarding your kids anyway? And even if I did have the final authority, H would just tell the kids he would do it differently if he could and then the kids would think I was the bad guy anyway. The only way to really do this is to work together. But I also feel like that's ridiculous because we can't work together now, why is that going to change with separation?!
As you can see, I'm very much struggling with how to proceed. My family is so confused as to why I'm considering H so much throughout this process, I suspect you guys will understand why more than they do. It's part of the process, part of my overall goal, to maintain a good R with H. Ever since Corri told me not to be naive though, I am wondering if I'm letting my hopes of reconciliation color this and then later if reconciliation does not come through, I will regret not fighting for more time with my kids. I struggle with 'fair'. 50/50 is fair, no matter what happens, can someone explain to me why H should get less time with the kids than I do? I know most Moms do get more time with their kids than the Dads. I am truly interested in how the Moms rationalize that to themselves. I could use a good rationalization right about now