Afterall...This IS my Life

[heatherg]

That's an interesting viewpoint Cobra, I hadn't thought of it quite like that before.

I don't know, I'm tired of analyzing my behavior, trying to see where I might be coming across as 'threatening' or as playing games. I've tried to be as open and honest as I can be. I just don't want to blame myself anymore for not doing this right or that right or trying to be this way or that way to make a difference. I don't want to blame him either which is why I'm trying to be as fair as possible. We both made mistakes, we both failed. There's no reason one of us should have greater consequences than the other. We're in different places I guess....ever since I realized the damage I caused and since I've had to live with that mistake, I've realized what's important to me and I would love nothing more than to have my H back. But that's just not where H is at right now and maybe he'll never be there. I don't know how many of these problems we would have had regardless of my A....my sense is that our issues over the kids was already in action, I just didn't realize it for what it was at the time. My feelings of being 'left out' and 'disposable' were a direct result of that. H didn't want to be with me even before the A, that's what made me so vulnerable in the first place. It's hard not to blame myself for the downfall because I'm so disgusted with myself for the inappropriate, at best, things I did. It kills me that that was actually me. It's been so hard for me to come to a decision because the more I blamed myself, the more I believed that if I caused it, then I could reverse it as well. Over time, I've had to accept that I did not cause all of it and therefore I cannot reverse it either. For everyone, I really wanted to believe that I could fix it.

Cobra, I see your point. But fighting at this point would only make him hate me more, and more importantly, it would hurt the kids overall. If he is to see what he's missing, he has to miss the real me. The me that will protect my kids above all else and the me that still loves him and cares about him and doesn't want to see him suffer too deeply. The me that accepts my part in this and will step up to accept my consequences. The me that refuses to be bitter, angry or blaming. If he can see that person, and he still loves her, then I'll know we still have a chance.

[heatherg]

My options at this point...it seems that I'm going to have to make this separation happen by myself, which is to be expected I guess, but it also makes it even harder and scarier.
H has already turned down the separaion papers that I gave him. I drafted the custody schedule and sent it to my lawyer and he dropped it into some routine separation papers. H said it was full of loopholes. I guess I wasn't thinking in terms of loopholes....I mean, with shared custody the point is that parents are supposed to do it together, work together, coparent. Everything is not necessarily written down, just the basic schedule and we'll work out everything else as it comes. Our kids are 3 and 6, there is no way to anticpate everything we're going to need to agree on, ya knnow?
But, ok. I cannot make him sign the papers. So. What next? Y'all suggested mediation. I have my doubts about whether or not that will work, but I guess it's something to try. I'm thinking that going to court will not be good for anyone, so I should try to avoid it at all costs. H said he'd go to mediation. That sounds positive, but he also said he'd go to counseling and nothing got accomplished. Going and doing are two different things. Plus he made a comment along the lines of 'I'll know in the first 10 mins whether it's someone I can talk to or not' when I asked him if he had any suggestions regarding who we should see. That sounds to me like he's setting the stage, but we'll see. I got a recommendation from my L and left a voicemail yesterday to schedule an appt. For you guys that have gone through the mediation process, are the costs split 50/50 or am I supposed to pay for it all? That could be another problem. Ok, so let's say we get all of the above worked out. If custody is anything less than 50% for H or if I try to establish myself as primary custodian, H will not agree to anything in mediation. So, I have to be prepared going in to accept that I will see my kids only 50% of the time and will likely have to battle with H on every decision regarding the kids later on. I have very mixed feelings. My L explained to me that shared custody is what I'm talking about when I explain a 50/50 rotation schedule and in that scenario, no one is named 'primary' custodian, we are both expected to work together to make decisions regarding the kids. Joint custody is where someone is named primary custodian and the parents are still expected to work together, however, the primary custodian has final decision making authority. When I heard that, I said 'that's what I want'. But it later came out that in that kind of a setup, H would only be entitled to 91 overnight visits a year. I would never do that to H or to the kids. They need their father more than that. I asked if I could give more visitiation and L said yes, but that eventually he would probably take me back to court and explain that we've virtually been sharing custody and the court may possibly change the custody order and revoke a 'primary' status from me. In which case, why did I drag everybody through all that for nothing? L said I was getting way ahead of myself and that by that time, there would be other factors that could support me retaining primary custodian, but I have to think ahead. I have to make sure that what I do truly is in the best interests of the kids. I don't want to ruin H and I's R going forward for nothing, because that WILL negatively impact the kids.
So, I can go to mediation and give that a shot. H will either shoot it down making court inevitable or he will cooperate at which point I have to be absolutely sure that I'm willing to sign off on that much of my kids' lives.
Or, I can go straight to court and really upset H when he learns what joint custody really means. The thought of only 91 overnight visits will terrify him and all bets WILL be off at that point as he fights that. Even if I explain that I honestly intend to give him more visitation than that, he would never believe me. I wouldn't believe him if it were reversed, ya know?
So folks, there are my sparkling options. Aren't they fcking great?
I know no one said this would be easy. I'm leaning toward mediation and 50/50 because I feel like the benefits of going to court are not worth the costs. I'd like to not have to battle H on every decision with the kids, but OTOH, how many major decisions do you make regarding your kids anyway? And even if I did have the final authority, H would just tell the kids he would do it differently if he could and then the kids would think I was the bad guy anyway. The only way to really do this is to work together. But I also feel like that's ridiculous because we can't work together now, why is that going to change with separation?!
As you can see, I'm very much struggling with how to proceed. My family is so confused as to why I'm considering H so much throughout this process, I suspect you guys will understand why more than they do. It's part of the process, part of my overall goal, to maintain a good R with H. Ever since Corri told me not to be naive though, I am wondering if I'm letting my hopes of reconciliation color this and then later if reconciliation does not come through, I will regret not fighting for more time with my kids. I struggle with 'fair'. 50/50 is fair, no matter what happens, can someone explain to me why H should get less time with the kids than I do? I know most Moms do get more time with their kids than the Dads. I am truly interested in how the Moms rationalize that to themselves. I could use a good rationalization right about now

[Burgbud]

Hey Heather!

I'm sorry you're dealing with this crap at this time of year, and I know it's frustrating to feel like you're being dragged down just when you've decided to move forward. Keep being patient (I *hate* being patient!), you're doing great. You've always wanted to make your M work and now you want to make your D work. The reality is that your H is very lucky you're you, however he may feel about that at the moment.

I'm a little confused by some of what you've been told; it doesn't exactly match my understanding. I'm far from an expert; what I "know" has come to me from our mediator (who is an attorney) and what Steff has passed along from talks with her lawyer. I talked to my own lawyer several months ago but we didn't cover topics like this.

Our agreement was drawn up by the mediator, has yet to be approved by her lawyer and put into final form, and obviously has yet to be approved by a judge. If your H thinks your SA is full of loopholes he'd probably scoff at ours. It was, however, created by a Virginia lawyer so I don't know why it would apply to your sitch as well. Custody-wise, we have basically what you're looking for. We split physical custody 50/50. I would claim we have shared custody but that may not be totally legally correct. Our agreement says every effort will be made to include both parents in all decisions and that in cases of utter disagreement we will ask for help from a third party we both agree to or, if we both agree to do so, we'll go back to the mediator. It also says that in emergencies or time-sensitive situations, Steff can make decisions on the boys' behalf. I wasn't entirely happy about that but I work 50 miles form home and I don't want it to ever happen where something needs to be done quickly but it's postponed while they try to hunt me down. So far (6 months in), this has never been an issue.

We split physical custody like this: Steff has MT, I have WTh and we alternate FSaSu. It works pretty well for the parents but it's a lot of transitions for the kids. Alternating weeks is worth considering but it's a lot of time away. One thing we don't have which I *highly* recommend is to make the parent who's home the kids are currently in responsible for getting them ready for the transition. In other words, it's a pain for one parent to go to the other parent's house to pick the kids up. The parent they're currently with has no incentive to get them ready and you end up getting stuck there as the kids scramble around trying to remember everything they want to take with them. Better to do it at a neutral site or for the parents to drop off rather than pick up.

As for your H, again, you can't make him act in his own best interests. He can mediate and give up some things he wants or he feels he's owed or he can go to court. If he goes to court he risks much more. If he doesn't think he can work with a mediator he's going to have a blast working with your lawyer and it will cost him much more. Splitting the mediation costs makes sense; you're both saving money as opposed to each paying your own lawyer (unless someone has a family member who's an attorney or something).

You're obviously quite willing to work with him and you want everything to occur in the best possible manner. You can't do that by yourself. Don't look to pi$$ him off, but don't be scared to, either. I know he seems like an all-or-nothing, dig his heels in forever sort of person. Even stubborn people, though, eventually figure out a way to make things work for themselves. If his stubborness costs him time with his children he'll eventually figure out a way to get over his anger and intractability if time with his children is actually important to him. He'll realize working with you is better for him than enforcing his will on you once it's clear that trying to enforce his will doesn't get him what he wants. It may take awhile, though, before that's totally clear to him.

You can't ruin an R that you don't want to ruin, Heather. Your H can ruin it no matter what your intentions. Don't walk on eggshells to try to make this work for him. Be as fair as you can, accept that you're doing your best and let him deal with the consequences of his decisions. If he wants to blame you for everything, he will. Period. There's nothing you can do about that so don't internalize it. If you run everything thru the "Will this make H mad?" filter you're going to do yourself and your kids a great disservice.

I don't know who you have available for resources, but I could ask Jennbird to email you. She's in Richmond. Her custody schedule is a little more typical where she has her son more than her H does but I don't remember all the details. She's not worried about upsetting xH, either, so she may be a good one to talk to.

If you have any questions I haven't touched on, specific or general, just let me know.

Good luck!


(Oh, and I believe Joe has 50/50 custody where they alternate weeks so you might want to ask him about that. His kids and my kids are older than yours, though, and he's in Maryland. But still.)