That's an interesting viewpoint Cobra, I hadn't thought of it quite like that before.
I don't know, I'm tired of analyzing my behavior, trying to see where I might be coming across as 'threatening' or as playing games. I've tried to be as open and honest as I can be. I just don't want to blame myself anymore for not doing this right or that right or trying to be this way or that way to make a difference. I don't want to blame him either which is why I'm trying to be as fair as possible. We both made mistakes, we both failed. There's no reason one of us should have greater consequences than the other. We're in different places I guess....ever since I realized the damage I caused and since I've had to live with that mistake, I've realized what's important to me and I would love nothing more than to have my H back. But that's just not where H is at right now and maybe he'll never be there. I don't know how many of these problems we would have had regardless of my A....my sense is that our issues over the kids was already in action, I just didn't realize it for what it was at the time. My feelings of being 'left out' and 'disposable' were a direct result of that. H didn't want to be with me even before the A, that's what made me so vulnerable in the first place. It's hard not to blame myself for the downfall because I'm so disgusted with myself for the inappropriate, at best, things I did. It kills me that that was actually me. It's been so hard for me to come to a decision because the more I blamed myself, the more I believed that if I caused it, then I could reverse it as well. Over time, I've had to accept that I did not cause all of it and therefore I cannot reverse it either. For everyone, I really wanted to believe that I could fix it.
Cobra, I see your point. But fighting at this point would only make him hate me more, and more importantly, it would hurt the kids overall. If he is to see what he's missing, he has to miss the real me. The me that will protect my kids above all else and the me that still loves him and cares about him and doesn't want to see him suffer too deeply. The me that accepts my part in this and will step up to accept my consequences. The me that refuses to be bitter, angry or blaming. If he can see that person, and he still loves her, then I'll know we still have a chance.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
