He is just pushing your buttons. The mediator will help you hammer out whatever issues you need to be done. It can be simply custody and support or it can include other things. They can be a huge help because they would ask your H specific questions that he was stonewalling on. For example: 50/50 custody. Ok - joint legal and joint physical - what will the living arrangements be - one week with you, one with him and switch??? These are the things the mediator will ask. They don't just have you state your case and let him sit there and say "I don't agree". It is up to you Heather but mediation is a far kinder, cheaper process to come up with a consent order - that is what the custody thingie is called.
To the best of my knowledge Virginia doesn't require mediation even for couples with kids so I don't think that's an option for Heather unless her H will agree. My W and I mediated but neither of our lawyers ever told us that was a requirement.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I was thinking about my overall goal here. If I could have this end any way I wanted, I would have it end with us being a family. Even after everything. So, I just need to make sure that everything I do is congruent with that. I am not trying to leave my H, I'm only trying to stand up for myself and my rights as a person and as a mother. Don't get me wrong-I'm prepared for divorce. I just have to be true to myself because if I'm not, I'm going to live with this battle forever. Either H had to change or I had to be true to myself. I spent a long time hoping H would change because being true to myself was going to affect so many people than just myself. Toward the end, it just seemed so obvious that unless I wanted to live with this forever, I had to stand up for myself. Can I just say that standing up for yourself sucks?!@
I need to handle this with as much composure, grace and compassion as I have in me. So far, so good. Custody is both pivotal in my future as a Mom and as a factor in reconciliation if that were ever to happen. I can't be sure that a calm, compassionate custody agreement will lead to a reconciliation, but I can be sure that a heated custody battle will NOT. So, I need to be open and honest as much as possible to prevent that battle from ensuing. We both care for our kids more than anything and given our history and personalities, it is not a stretch to say that a slight provocation from either party could send us down the road to that heated battle. On that note, I called him and asked if he had a few minutes. He said not really, he was going to lunch with the guys. I said, very politely and in a neutral tone "Oh, ok. Well then do you think we could set up a time to talk either tonight or tomorrow night?" He said "Tomorrow night after karate". I said ok and that was it. Hopefully we'll be able to work some things out.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Good luck. Good for you for identifying your goals. I only mention mediation because many people assume that you must go through this horrible litigation where you prove how horrible the other person is and the court decides everything. Maybe, you will be a family together or maybe you will be a family separately but your child will always have both parents and both of you will have to get used to continuing to be in each other's lives to some degree forever (after 21 there are still grandchildren, holidays, graduations etc...). Hang in there Heather.
Just stopped by to say hello and wish you a Merry Christmas It's hard to go through this over the holidays. I hope you take some time to cherish the moments with the kids and enjoy the season in the midst of your troubles.
You've come so far and I admire your attitude of preserving the good with your H through this. I think it's a smart approach and one that not many choose. Everyone will benefit from it no matter how this turns out.
First of all, I am SO SORRY you are here. BTDT. My heart goes out to you.
Quote:
I need to handle this with as much composure, grace and compassion as I have in me. So far, so good. Custody is both pivotal in my future as a Mom and as a factor in reconciliation if that were ever to happen. I can't be sure that a calm, compassionate custody agreement will lead to a reconciliation, but I can be sure that a heated custody battle will NOT. So, I need to be open and honest as much as possible to prevent that battle from ensuing.
Do you have a good attorney, or are you trying to do this yourself? This, your quote above, worries me for you. Call me cynical, call me crass... we all KNOW that I can roar out of the gate. But honey. ALL BETS ARE OFF at this point, and don't be, please... do not be naive. The reason I say this is... this man can PUSH your buttons, he can get to you like no on this planet. He can GUILT you into almost anything. And all you are worried about are your kids.
I shouldn't even be talking about this on a board committed to saving marriages.
To follow up on Corri's post, I think that in your situation, fighting for everything you're entitled to, including primary guardianship of the kids and his paying YOU child support, IS in the best interests of saving the marriage.
I have an attorney, as far as what constitutes 'good', I'm not sure. He seems reasonable and wants to put the best interests of the kids first and foremost, so that seems good to me.
Corri, I hear what you are saying. I'm trying not to be naive while at the same time not making this bigger than it has to be. I feel that I've done what I can do to save my M and this is where I'm at right now, so if you have things you'd like to say or advice you'd like to offer that fits where I am at this point, then please do so. There are people on these boards who are at all stages of the marriage life cycle (that's almost funny isn't it?) and I need support and thoughts from people who've walked the path before me. If you feel this isn't the proper forum for that kind of advice, then please email me.
Cobra, can you expand some on your comments?
I'll post a little later on what I see for options at this point and what I think the pros and cons are of each option. That will help me sort out my thoughts and maybe I can get some feedback. If I tell you guys my goals, then you can help me stay on track and not get angered or sidetracked by the distraction of the moment.
I hope everyone had a nice Christmas. Considering everything, mine was pretty good as long as I didn't start thinking "this is the last X-mas we'll spend together....". I've been pretty good at thought stopping that stuff because I know I've done all I can. So, I tried to just focus on the kids and let my mind be numb for everything else.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
What I meant by my comment is that when BOTH you and your H stop all the positioning, threatening, game playing, etc, and face the cold hard facts of a divorce then you two will be able to finally face what is truly important to the both of you. You seem to be approaching that point, but I do not know if your H is any where close. There is a certain fantasy to the idea of D, that you will be free of your worries, able to find a new lover, free of stress and worry. While much of that may be true, there is also a price to be paid. Only you and your H can evaluate that decision and how things balance out, but once he sees on paper and hears from the lawyer what the terms of the D will be, he might come to his senses.
You said you were in a state of shock for a while. Has he gone through the same? Has reality hit him? If not, be sure that what he sees makes a real impact. Fight for all you can. Your last hope is that he sees how destructive all this is to him, drops his ego, becomes honest with himself and with you, and moves to reconcile. But if the terms of the divorce do not phase him, he may not see any need to make up.
It's hard to go through this over the holidays. I hope you take some time to cherish the moments with the kids and enjoy the season in the midst of your troubles.