Hey all, thanks again for the posts and support. I'm doing ok, I'm sorry I haven't posted much. I just can't put this stuff into words....silence somehow seems most comfortable right now, even with friends and family. So Blackfoot, I might be learning more about being seen and not heard than I thought I would.
MrsNop, to answer your question about how H is handling this, I don't really know. At first, he seemed hateful but now he seems more accepting. He's not discussing anything with me. When I sent him my draft of the separation/custody agreement last Wed, I told him I wanted to give him time to review without me over his shoulder, but OTOH if I hadn't heard at least something within two weeks that I would have to proceed to the next step. I acknowledged that I didn't know what the next step was and that I'd prefer not to have to know. He hasn't said a word about it...nothing about receiving the email, nothing. So, last night I asked and all he would say was that he had an appt with a lawyer. I said ok. We are taking separate vehicles if we go anywhere as a family, at his prompting (asking the kids if they want to ride with Mommy or Daddy), which I guess is understandable given the circumstances. I hope to still be invited to celebrate X-mas with his family....perhaps that is too much to ask? I'm not sure, because it's not like everyone didn't see this coming, ya know? They all know we've been struggling and as far as I know, no one hates me or sees this as all my fault. Except maybe H of course. I just hope there are no surprises when I get the agreement back from H. I was more than fair, gave him true 50% custody, even agreed to reimburse him for 50% of the time he is gone when/if he must travel (with his new transfer, he won't be travelling nearly as much as he used to or I would not have agreed). But I know that the kids will miss him if they have to spend longer than usual away from him, and I can understand that they will want some extra time. Afterall, I will have had extra time while he was gone....oh yeah, the proposed agreement is though, that if he travels, custody reverts back to me. The reimbursement is sort of in exchange for him not letting his mother or sister care for the kids on his weeks while he is away. At this point, I can only wait. Burgbud, I will consider the Al-Anon meeting. I can see where I have developed particular sensitivity to alcohol related issues and I am pretty much damaged as far as that goes. Fran, it does feel particularly empty going through the holidays like this. A time for family and closeness...well, it makes it all the harder. But I have a certain peace that comes and goes, hopefully it will hang around for longer periods at a time as time passes. I truly feel like it's time to let go. I feel like I am fighting something that is 'supposed' to happen, does that make sense? I don't know if H and I will ever be together again, but I am fairly certain that we will never be together in a mutually satisfying way if I continued to stay. The only shot we have is for me to let him go. I have to let the Dark Night come because if I don't, I will be fighting against it for the rest of my life and I know I don't want to spend my life fighting. I appreciate those of you who don't post much lately stopping by to give me your support.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I can see where I have developed particular sensitivity to alcohol related issues and I am pretty much damaged as far as that goes.
I don't think you're damaged, Heather. I think you've dealt with a lot by yourself and you don't have to continue dealing with it on your own. I think you've internalized a lot that maybe has little to do with you. Perhaps it would be helpful if you discovered a number of other people who are dealing with problems that you've come to accept as just a part of life.
Maybe not. Seems like it's worth a shot, though. I don't see the downside. They can't make you go back.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I haven't been to the boards since I last posted to you and for some reason I decided to check your thread on Tuesday. I'm sorry that you sitch hasn't changed and you are where you are. I don't have any sage wisdom for you. It's frustrating to work so hard for so long and not reach your goal.
Stay active in Karate. Surround yourself with quality family and friends. And most of all stay close to S6 & D3.
Hey Jabez, thanks so much for thinking of me. I hope all is going well for you and your girls.
Hopefully everyone is doing well and having good times with their families this holiday season.
I just wanted to post a little something and let everyone know I'm doing ok. This Wednesday will be two weeks since I gave H the draft separation papers. I gave H two weeks to get back to me, so hopefully I will have a response soon. I have an appt with a lawyer on Thursday and what I will accomplish with the lawyer that day will depend on whether or not I have a response from H yet.
The condo I wanted is still for rent, I'm hoping it holds out just a little longer. Cross your fingers for me because I've already got myself moved in in my mind, lol.
It's just been more of the same (except no fighting because I'm not taking bait at this point, just letting H be H) around my household and it's made me feel certain that I am making the right decision. Knowing I will be able to spend quality time with my kids and make my own decisions soon is keeping me quite docile.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Well, so much for a response from H regarding the separation papers. I asked him last night when he thought I would get a response and he said 'I have a lot of sh!t to do tonight', meaning he didn't want to talk about it. I said 'H, I don't want to have a discussion about it, I just want to know when' He said 'You should probably have your L draw up some real separation papers'. He went on to say that real separation agreements are around 16 pages (as opposed to our 4) and that there are so many loopholes in it that his L couldn't believe it came from an attorney and that it had 'malpractice' written all over it.
????????????????
I should have known. So, I will send him an email today telling him that if I don't get some written response from him by Wednesday (the original two week deadline) that I will proceed with the L. I also plan to tell him that I will not waste my time and/or money trying to come up with an agreement that suits him if he will not tell me specifically what he finds questionable with the draft I gave him.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
...don't you need a cooperative spouse for mediation?
You need a spouse willing to mediate instead of let the attorneys battle it out. If he has a lot of sh!t to do and not a lot of money for lawyers, mediation is in your H's own self-interest. Whether he's interested in pursuing his own self-interest is a separate matter.
He went on to say that real separation agreements are around 16 pages (as opposed to our 4)
Our Virginia SA (which I just got notarized yesterday *again* since she lost the first set) is about six pages. Her L doesn't much care for it and isn't going to recommend the mediator we used any more. And yes, it's full of loopholes. As my old boss used to say, a contract is only as good as the people you're contracting with. All contracts have clauses one of the parties can consider a loophole and if they do, back to court you go. Back to the point, despite the fact that her L doesn't care for our SA we're going with it. It doesn't need to be 16 pages long.
his L couldn't believe it came from an attorney and that it had 'malpractice' written all over it.
Whatever. Tell him he's free to get his uber-attorney to draft a document for your lawyer to make fun of. (Okay don't, but you get the point.) As I'm sure you know, you don't *have* to have a SA to move out. You want it, for sure, to spell out custody. If H will split custody without an SA then it's optional at this point. If he won't you can get a custody hearing separate from splitting your property but that takes awhile. You might be able to get an emergency custody hearing if he withholds the kids from you which, when I did it, took about three weeks. If it might come to that, talk to your lawyer now.
Good luck, Heather. I'm sorry you're dealing with this over the holidays. Eventually he'll realize that you're truly no longer available for him to jab into but it'll be awhile. Sit with your feelings and process them when you need to. Smile when you can!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I don't mean to throw a wrinkle in things but the state of MD actually requires mediation where there is a child involved until it is demonstrated that mediation won't work. He doesn't need to be "cooperative" but just willing to compromise on something. It takes an experienced mediator but they will make sure that no one gets verbally abused or raked over the coals. Usually they will just matter of factly address custody, visitation, assets and see what stuff you may already agree on, then they go issue by issue until they can create an agreement on most or all issues.
I should probably clarify that the SA that I am referring to really only addresses custody, so perhaps it would be most appropriately called a custody agreement. I don't care about the material assets, if he won't let me take anything, then I won't. I'm not going to fight about that. I only want an agreement on custody/schedule, etc so that I can MOVE OUT! In the existing papers, I have given him exclusive use of the home and 50/50 custody with no child support paid by either party. What more can a father ask for?! I'm amazed that his lawyer is not telling him to take that deal and sign it before I change my mind. At this point, I don't see where mediation can help as we're not disputing or arguing over anything. H just says he disagrees, but won't say with what exactly. A mediator won't be able to make him speak any more than I can, kwim?
When I say cooperative, I don't mean doing research to help me out or anything, I mean being willing to *discuss* options. I don't know what more he wants....I told him if he would tell me what he finds faulty with the papers, we can talk about modifying them. But, if he's not willing to tell me what he finds questionable, then I'm not going to waste my time and money by trying to guess what loopholes he's referring to. This is just more of the same on his part, non-communicative BS, trying to make me 'figure it out', just like when I had to 'figure out' how to show him that I was sorry for my betrayal. I'm done with that game, that's why I'm LEAVING, ya know?
I probably need to try to schedule a time to talk to him. It busts my chops that I need to beg him to do what's in his own best interest. But because it's also in the kids' best interest, I will try again. If I have to drag our issues through family court because he will not cooperate, I will be seeking primary custody, obviously with very liberal visitation, but it won't be 50/50. I'll probably also try to stay in the family home if possible. I guess I need to let him know that upfront. I just hate for him to cooperate now just so he gets what he wants, and then make co-parenting a nightmare going forward because he won't cooperate or discuss decisions regarding the kids later on. What do you guys think? Do you think I should tell him that my agenda will change considerably if he continues to be non-communicative or do you think since I've told him I intend to 'move forward' that is good enough? UGH!!!!!!
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
