Hey all, thanks again for the posts and support. I'm doing ok, I'm sorry I haven't posted much. I just can't put this stuff into words....silence somehow seems most comfortable right now, even with friends and family. So Blackfoot, I might be learning more about being seen and not heard than I thought I would.
MrsNop, to answer your question about how H is handling this, I don't really know. At first, he seemed hateful but now he seems more accepting. He's not discussing anything with me. When I sent him my draft of the separation/custody agreement last Wed, I told him I wanted to give him time to review without me over his shoulder, but OTOH if I hadn't heard at least something within two weeks that I would have to proceed to the next step. I acknowledged that I didn't know what the next step was and that I'd prefer not to have to know. He hasn't said a word about it...nothing about receiving the email, nothing. So, last night I asked and all he would say was that he had an appt with a lawyer. I said ok. We are taking separate vehicles if we go anywhere as a family, at his prompting (asking the kids if they want to ride with Mommy or Daddy), which I guess is understandable given the circumstances. I hope to still be invited to celebrate X-mas with his family....perhaps that is too much to ask? I'm not sure, because it's not like everyone didn't see this coming, ya know? They all know we've been struggling and as far as I know, no one hates me or sees this as all my fault. Except maybe H of course. I just hope there are no surprises when I get the agreement back from H. I was more than fair, gave him true 50% custody, even agreed to reimburse him for 50% of the time he is gone when/if he must travel (with his new transfer, he won't be travelling nearly as much as he used to or I would not have agreed). But I know that the kids will miss him if they have to spend longer than usual away from him, and I can understand that they will want some extra time. Afterall, I will have had extra time while he was gone....oh yeah, the proposed agreement is though, that if he travels, custody reverts back to me. The reimbursement is sort of in exchange for him not letting his mother or sister care for the kids on his weeks while he is away. At this point, I can only wait. Burgbud, I will consider the Al-Anon meeting. I can see where I have developed particular sensitivity to alcohol related issues and I am pretty much damaged as far as that goes. Fran, it does feel particularly empty going through the holidays like this. A time for family and closeness...well, it makes it all the harder. But I have a certain peace that comes and goes, hopefully it will hang around for longer periods at a time as time passes. I truly feel like it's time to let go. I feel like I am fighting something that is 'supposed' to happen, does that make sense? I don't know if H and I will ever be together again, but I am fairly certain that we will never be together in a mutually satisfying way if I continued to stay. The only shot we have is for me to let him go. I have to let the Dark Night come because if I don't, I will be fighting against it for the rest of my life and I know I don't want to spend my life fighting. I appreciate those of you who don't post much lately stopping by to give me your support.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
