Afterall...This IS my Life

[heatherg]

I appreciate every word. I am trying to find a house and it seems so surreal, just like you said Karen. My soul is very confused because buying or moving into a new place is supposed to be an exciting time and because it's not, I'm going through really odd periods....kind of like laughing at someone's funeral or something. Part of me gets excited about a particular house and then I remember why I'm moving, ya know?
My sister is trying to be so helpful. She is looking online for me and she's called me like three times today to tell me about houses she found. I so appreciate it because I'm super busy and don't have as much time to research as I'd like, but she's just so excited.....it's hard.
Today at the rental office for the house I looked at, the lady at the counter made a mistake on how much rent I could qualify for and right in front of everybody she said I couldn't afford the house I was there to see. I knew something was wrong and while I was thinking, she asks 'do you have a husband?' I said 'Yessss....' She said "Will he be coming with you?" I said "Noooo......ya know while we're at, is there anything else anyone would like to know...how much I make, my marital status...???" I was humiliated and could not BELIEVE she was asking me all this right in front of the other two people that were there. What a horrible experience.

Cobra, I hear what you are saying and there is still a part of me that holds some shard of hope that this is just a necessary evil to get us where we need to be. I'm not real hopeful however. He'd have to turn over so many new leaves in order to get to that level of clarity that he wouldn't even recognize himself when he looked in the mirror. He blames me for everything, absolutely everything, including ruining the childrens' lives if I leave.
H's idea of staying together for the kids and my idea of staying together for the kids are just too different. If we didn't have kids, I can see where it might be better for both of us to cut the ropes and walk away, sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge. But we DO have kids and because we do have kids, I feel it is best for everyone involved to stay together and to make that decision RIGHT. Do what it takes. But I had to make a really big mistake to see that clearly, so I guess I can't blame him too much for not seeing it that way. His version of staying together for the kids is simply staying together and ignoring what's wrong when we can and ignoring each other when we get to the point where we can no longer ignore what's wrong. Sometimes in between we have some really, really good times and I can really believe that staying is what's best. But the cycle takes it's course and we always end up back in an extremely dysfunctional dynamic. But there is always hope, always.
In the meantime, it is what it is.