Believe it or not, I actually think your decision is a step in the right direction, and good new for you and your H. Couples having really big trouble, who have severe power, control, FOO issues, like yours and mine, may need to reach the point you are now at in order to break the logjam. You know what I have had to go through.
This is a point which I think is TOTALLY lost on this board. Most of the posters here are women who are trying to work things out, making a proactive effort, women who have the sense and rationality to try and understand, negotiate, and change. Many of us have spouses who are the opposite of this and who are not trying to cooperate. For them to mentally reach a turning point means they must come to their own form of understanding one way or another. Usually this means their spouse (the ones posting on this board) reaches a critical decision point. That becomes the tipping point.
Some couples understand the boundary issues, have an unshakable adherence to minimum levels of civility, etc., etc., etc….. and a strong stand by one person can be enough to turn things around. But coming back to your marriage and mine, simple boundaries may NOT be enough, neither you nor your H really understand them nor respect them. Maybe intellectually you do, but you still reserve the right to pull out the big guns whenever you need to, right? I know, my W and I have done it too.
So…. Does this mean your marriage is over???? Compared to other couples, you might think so. You and I are having to dig down to much deeper levels to reach a tipping point. But that is just a reflection of your marriage and should not necessarily be compared to others. But in my opinion, that would be a mistake. The sickness you are feeling, the sense of totally capitulating, is something I think we must all go through before improvements can be made. Now you will KNOW the worst case scenario, not just think about it. So will your H. You are approaching the low point. There is nothing left to fight over. Any concession either of you make will be for the better.
Maybe this is the stick that is needed in your marriage. For so many who post on this board, I never felt that working on yourself only is enough to turn the dynamic around. For semi-functional relationships, yes, I think this can work. But for others, it is not enough. So carry on with what you have to do, even if that means D. But if a ray of light appears somewhere, keep an open mind to what it may mean and do not compare yourself to other marriages. Nothing is over until you decide it is over, and even then, all you have to do is change your mind. The future is not written!
