I didnt mean to be cryptic in my last post, though its been pointed out to me that I am when I get to busy. I hoped one of the ladies would give a suggestion. (also I would never get tied up in the his money/her money thing.)
Implementing boundaries is not easy, specifically with those we are emotionally invested with. Doing so may not save your M. You should be proud of all the progress you have made however.
I found this in my notes and wanted to share it with you. Its kinda long, but I thought the comments (quoted below) about invalidation near the end of the article applied to you.
Quote: At the same time, if we have clearly expressed our feelings and someone repeatedly disrespects them, it is helpful to ask ourselves what kind of relationship we want to have with them. In other words, we ask: "Is this worth it?" Until we have become aware of our feelings and can accurately predict them, it will be difficult to answer that question. But whatever we decide, if we realize that we are making a conscious choice, we are less likely to later feel resentful or bitter. In the same way, if we have bitter feelings about something that has already happened, it helps to look for the ways we contributed to the situation. When we do this we take the focus off of blaming others, and we are able to learn about ourselves to prevent a future recurrence. Accepting responsibility helps us learn. The process of learning not only empowers us, but it helps release the resentment, bitterness, disappointment we are feeling towards others.
Responsibility to Others
Living in a free society requires that we respect each other's needs. The respect for another person's needs is actually not only a responsibility, but it is in our own best interest in the long run. This is because others tend to treat us as we treat them. Additionally, if we treat others irresponsibly, they will eventually band together and restrain us, causing us to lose our freedom.
Do No Harm - The first responsibility to others is the same as that to ourselves: Do no harm. From an emotional standpoint this means to not damage the self-esteem of other people. At the same time, there will be occasions when not saying something is equivalent to allowing someone to hurt [them]self. In other words, since silence can mean tacit approval, you may be enabling someone's unhealthy behavior by standing idly by while [they] continues on a course of self-destruction. At such difficult times, compassion, empathy, and other EQ skills will help keep the relationship together while the truth is presented.
There are many ways you can harm someone psychologically but perhaps the most lethal is invalidation. Invalidation is the rejection, repudiation, denial, diminishment, or judgment of someone's feelings. It is so damaging and so prevalent that an entire chapter has been devoted to it. Here, let me just stress that invalidation is extremely harmful to someone's self- esteem and emotional welfare
The part I put in italics is the part that I see you as having made some very big changes. You are making conscious choices, no one has earned a right to judge you wrong or right about your choices.
Something you said (comment below) made me think about my actions and how I know x viewed me/my actions when my resentment came unhinged and poured all over her, before she left the second time. It was something I mentioned to watch for to TL, even Chromo, when his intimacy would increase.
I was referring to the idea that H would purposely be nice to me to reel me in just to make me vulnerable so that I'd be more susceptible to the next blow. That would very much make me the puppet because I'm unsuspecting and react just the way he wants.
I certainly wasnt 'nice' to x when I went about competing with OM for her, I did what works, but I most certainly made her feel safe/secure/tentatively vulnerable/trusting as fast as I was capable of.
I remember when the A started she said she had to follow her feelings -her love for OM because he was in her heart. When she left the second time she said, after I verbally whipped her, she should have listened to her head, and stayed with OM, instead of following her heart back to me. ( ..... not really)
Does that make me a cold, calculating puppet master, or just a human who knew what to do, but whoes feelings overrode his 'intentions'? (rhetorical)
I can also understand how the callous, cruel, remarks your H said would become a -not unreasonable-final straw for you. FWIW-even though its completely nullified by the A, I respect x for not putting up with my verbal abuse. You did a really good job setting a boundary to your H, about his remark, and he heard it, even though he mumbled some BS over his shoulder as he left.
Take care of yourself Heather, and utilize your friends and family to help you thru this.
..... not really)
