Like the other, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can imagine you're heartbroken to say the least. I hope in time you'll heal and eventually find as much good stuff as you can stand. You deserve it.
Thank so much for the words of support. I was hesitant to post because I was afraid people would say I hadn't tried hard enough or done enough.
There has just been so much that has gone on the last few days, so much that has led up to my decision that I can't even put it into words. It's much more vague, but yet much more telling just to say that it suddenly became very clear to me that H does not want this M.
I am quite heartbroken. Sick. I feel like throwing up at various times throughout the day and feel utterly defeated that what I fought so hard to avoid is actually happening. Everyone who knows me assures me it is for the best, but I can't help the fear that takes over every time I think about what this may to do my kids.
I'm trying not to think too much. I just have to take this one step at a time. Thanks for being here for me.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Haven't been on much, and don't really know what to say, other than I wish you well. I know from talking to many people who have come to the same point in their lives that what you are going through is really tough. Whatever you do, don't let the feelings of failure overwhelm you. You are a GOOD person, you did your BEST. This will be tough, but you can handle it. You have already shown your mettle, and you have the strength to make it through.
I would recommend talking out your feelings with some of the ladies on here that have gone through D's and/or S's. I'm sure they have some good pointers about working through the negative stuff, and how to move through the issues and get to the better life beyond.
Again, I wish you well.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I didnt mean to be cryptic in my last post, though its been pointed out to me that I am when I get to busy. I hoped one of the ladies would give a suggestion. (also I would never get tied up in the his money/her money thing.)
Implementing boundaries is not easy, specifically with those we are emotionally invested with. Doing so may not save your M. You should be proud of all the progress you have made however.
I found this in my notes and wanted to share it with you. Its kinda long, but I thought the comments (quoted below) about invalidation near the end of the article applied to you.
Quote: At the same time, if we have clearly expressed our feelings and someone repeatedly disrespects them, it is helpful to ask ourselves what kind of relationship we want to have with them. In other words, we ask: "Is this worth it?" Until we have become aware of our feelings and can accurately predict them, it will be difficult to answer that question. But whatever we decide, if we realize that we are making a conscious choice, we are less likely to later feel resentful or bitter. In the same way, if we have bitter feelings about something that has already happened, it helps to look for the ways we contributed to the situation. When we do this we take the focus off of blaming others, and we are able to learn about ourselves to prevent a future recurrence. Accepting responsibility helps us learn. The process of learning not only empowers us, but it helps release the resentment, bitterness, disappointment we are feeling towards others.
Responsibility to Others
Living in a free society requires that we respect each other's needs. The respect for another person's needs is actually not only a responsibility, but it is in our own best interest in the long run. This is because others tend to treat us as we treat them. Additionally, if we treat others irresponsibly, they will eventually band together and restrain us, causing us to lose our freedom.
Do No Harm - The first responsibility to others is the same as that to ourselves: Do no harm. From an emotional standpoint this means to not damage the self-esteem of other people. At the same time, there will be occasions when not saying something is equivalent to allowing someone to hurt [them]self. In other words, since silence can mean tacit approval, you may be enabling someone's unhealthy behavior by standing idly by while [they] continues on a course of self-destruction. At such difficult times, compassion, empathy, and other EQ skills will help keep the relationship together while the truth is presented.
There are many ways you can harm someone psychologically but perhaps the most lethal is invalidation. Invalidation is the rejection, repudiation, denial, diminishment, or judgment of someone's feelings. It is so damaging and so prevalent that an entire chapter has been devoted to it. Here, let me just stress that invalidation is extremely harmful to someone's self- esteem and emotional welfare
The part I put in italics is the part that I see you as having made some very big changes. You are making conscious choices, no one has earned a right to judge you wrong or right about your choices.
Something you said (comment below) made me think about my actions and how I know x viewed me/my actions when my resentment came unhinged and poured all over her, before she left the second time. It was something I mentioned to watch for to TL, even Chromo, when his intimacy would increase.
I was referring to the idea that H would purposely be nice to me to reel me in just to make me vulnerable so that I'd be more susceptible to the next blow. That would very much make me the puppet because I'm unsuspecting and react just the way he wants.
I certainly wasnt 'nice' to x when I went about competing with OM for her, I did what works, but I most certainly made her feel safe/secure/tentatively vulnerable/trusting as fast as I was capable of.
I remember when the A started she said she had to follow her feelings -her love for OM because he was in her heart. When she left the second time she said, after I verbally whipped her, she should have listened to her head, and stayed with OM, instead of following her heart back to me. ( ..... not really)
Does that make me a cold, calculating puppet master, or just a human who knew what to do, but whoes feelings overrode his 'intentions'? (rhetorical)
I can also understand how the callous, cruel, remarks your H said would become a -not unreasonable-final straw for you. FWIW-even though its completely nullified by the A, I respect x for not putting up with my verbal abuse. You did a really good job setting a boundary to your H, about his remark, and he heard it, even though he mumbled some BS over his shoulder as he left.
Take care of yourself Heather, and utilize your friends and family to help you thru this.
I wanted to address the part where you mentioned feeling very sick, throwing up periodically. I have been there. When the thing happened that I realized was the final straw in my former M I was able to keep very little food down - I lived on peanut butter sandwiches (1/2 at a time), bananas and the occasional glass of skim milk ( I hate mild but it is mild). That lasted for about three weeks or so. The whole atmosphere of recognizing that your M is over is surreal and weird, you feel almost as if you drift in and out of reality periodically. Hang in there, things do even out and get better eventually. Heather, you know that I am on this board because I have issues in my 2nd M - they are NOWHERE NEAR the one's in my first. I took time between the two to heal and process a lot of things. Do that favor for yourself.
Believe it or not, I actually think your decision is a step in the right direction, and good new for you and your H. Couples having really big trouble, who have severe power, control, FOO issues, like yours and mine, may need to reach the point you are now at in order to break the logjam. You know what I have had to go through.
This is a point which I think is TOTALLY lost on this board. Most of the posters here are women who are trying to work things out, making a proactive effort, women who have the sense and rationality to try and understand, negotiate, and change. Many of us have spouses who are the opposite of this and who are not trying to cooperate. For them to mentally reach a turning point means they must come to their own form of understanding one way or another. Usually this means their spouse (the ones posting on this board) reaches a critical decision point. That becomes the tipping point.
Some couples understand the boundary issues, have an unshakable adherence to minimum levels of civility, etc., etc., etc….. and a strong stand by one person can be enough to turn things around. But coming back to your marriage and mine, simple boundaries may NOT be enough, neither you nor your H really understand them nor respect them. Maybe intellectually you do, but you still reserve the right to pull out the big guns whenever you need to, right? I know, my W and I have done it too.
So…. Does this mean your marriage is over???? Compared to other couples, you might think so. You and I are having to dig down to much deeper levels to reach a tipping point. But that is just a reflection of your marriage and should not necessarily be compared to others. But in my opinion, that would be a mistake. The sickness you are feeling, the sense of totally capitulating, is something I think we must all go through before improvements can be made. Now you will KNOW the worst case scenario, not just think about it. So will your H. You are approaching the low point. There is nothing left to fight over. Any concession either of you make will be for the better.
Maybe this is the stick that is needed in your marriage. For so many who post on this board, I never felt that working on yourself only is enough to turn the dynamic around. For semi-functional relationships, yes, I think this can work. But for others, it is not enough. So carry on with what you have to do, even if that means D. But if a ray of light appears somewhere, keep an open mind to what it may mean and do not compare yourself to other marriages. Nothing is over until you decide it is over, and even then, all you have to do is change your mind. The future is not written!
I believe this is the end of the road for us. I've told H if we can agree on custody, I'll give him exclusive use of the house and I will try to be out by the first of the year.
Sorry to hear that but I think of LFL situation when I read some of your posts. It just might be that after you being gone, your H will miss you and want to come back. Maybe it will be like Corri's M. No one knows right now.
I appreciate every word. I am trying to find a house and it seems so surreal, just like you said Karen. My soul is very confused because buying or moving into a new place is supposed to be an exciting time and because it's not, I'm going through really odd periods....kind of like laughing at someone's funeral or something. Part of me gets excited about a particular house and then I remember why I'm moving, ya know? My sister is trying to be so helpful. She is looking online for me and she's called me like three times today to tell me about houses she found. I so appreciate it because I'm super busy and don't have as much time to research as I'd like, but she's just so excited.....it's hard. Today at the rental office for the house I looked at, the lady at the counter made a mistake on how much rent I could qualify for and right in front of everybody she said I couldn't afford the house I was there to see. I knew something was wrong and while I was thinking, she asks 'do you have a husband?' I said 'Yessss....' She said "Will he be coming with you?" I said "Noooo......ya know while we're at, is there anything else anyone would like to know...how much I make, my marital status...???" I was humiliated and could not BELIEVE she was asking me all this right in front of the other two people that were there. What a horrible experience.
Cobra, I hear what you are saying and there is still a part of me that holds some shard of hope that this is just a necessary evil to get us where we need to be. I'm not real hopeful however. He'd have to turn over so many new leaves in order to get to that level of clarity that he wouldn't even recognize himself when he looked in the mirror. He blames me for everything, absolutely everything, including ruining the childrens' lives if I leave. H's idea of staying together for the kids and my idea of staying together for the kids are just too different. If we didn't have kids, I can see where it might be better for both of us to cut the ropes and walk away, sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge. But we DO have kids and because we do have kids, I feel it is best for everyone involved to stay together and to make that decision RIGHT. Do what it takes. But I had to make a really big mistake to see that clearly, so I guess I can't blame him too much for not seeing it that way. His version of staying together for the kids is simply staying together and ignoring what's wrong when we can and ignoring each other when we get to the point where we can no longer ignore what's wrong. Sometimes in between we have some really, really good times and I can really believe that staying is what's best. But the cycle takes it's course and we always end up back in an extremely dysfunctional dynamic. But there is always hope, always. In the meantime, it is what it is.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
..... not really)