Afterall...This IS my Life

[heatherg]

It might be possible that many more people see this in you than you think…. I’m pretty sure your H could write a book about it, as it concerns you.

On the contrary, my H has laughed when I've mentioned this. I can remember one time in particular when he sarcastically said something along the lines of 'You have *no* problems with your self esteem!' The inference there I guess is that he thinks I have a big ego. ??

Why this things would bother you all come back to a feeling of exclusion, which is a milder form of abandonment, don’t you think? When he disrespects you, he is indirectly abandoning you.

Possibly, but I don't see where that helps me. Is labeling it abandonmnet as opposed to disrespect supposed to make it easier to accept? BTW, there is no sarcasm in my voice (at this moment )despite how it may sound in writing.

Yes, I understand this, but how do you know this is what he is doing?

I don't. I was just responding to your suggestion that it could be what he's doing.

Safety is not just HIM doing something to make you safe, it is also you taking that leap of faith that you will be safe. No one can make this leap for you.


I agree. But we're also smart individuals, we know when we are safe and when we are not, and we have to give ourselves credit where credit is due. Different perspectives are helpful, but overall, we know when the temperature is safe enough to dive in. When it's ice cold or steaming hot, we can try to tell ourselves that it's ok, it's not that bad, it won't last forever, it's not the water's fault, etc. But all that stuff, on an ongoing basis, will ultimately result in you losing trust in yourself. Trust in your reaction that it is not safe to jump in. We know what is best for ourselves. I actually think the problem, at least in my case, is that I choose to ignore my inner voice. For some good reasons and for some not so good reasons. But what I want to say is that telling yourself something, while it can be effective at times to change your frame of reference, does not make it so. You're smarter than that and so am I. Unfortunately.

I hope so because thinking you can do something and then actually doing it are not the same.


I agree. One of the reasons I can say this with confidence is because of the weekend we spent in Annapolis. I warmed up to him immediately. Not in a week, not in a day. In like 10 minutes. The distance between H and I is created by him, I can this much more clearly now. He has spent so long telling me that I set the temperature, I set the tone. If I'm nice to him, he responds. But I know that he only responds so far and before long, the temperature in the R is back to cold. For whatever reasons, he maintains a distance.

It seems to me like you are a strong person for being willing to do that, to show compassion, and help him work through his issues.

I would say perhaps this is true of GEL. She seems genuinely willing to help her H through his issues. Maybe that is the case b/c her H can admit he has issues. I do not feel that the above statement is true for me. H maintains such a distance and the temperature has become so cold, that there is not much compassion. I have it in me, but there's been no need, no calling for it. I'm the one with the problems as far as H is concerned. If you don't admit your shortcomings, then you don't need help, you don't need compassion.

And stop obsessing about the porn. This is just another way to abandon you and play on your fears. It is his way of manipulating you.

No Cobra, it isn't. He hides it from me, he looks at it at work. How can that have anything to do with playing on my fears and manipulating me? If that were the case, he would use it to his advantage, he would say hurtful things to me, perhaps leave it where he knows I'll find it. That's not the case. He won't talk about it, won't stop doing it and hides it from me. That's a whole different animal. I would not say I'm obssessing about the porn, but I can tell you that it will not go away unless it goes away. Period.

Things that are going right:
H and I have been co-parenting pretty well for the most part....we've been having a downslide though I have felt it creeping in. More on that later. S6 and I have had the best R in years.....he's coming to me (over Daddy!) for some things. That's never happened. He's told me that I'm beautiful and that he loves me.....those are things he's never really offered up before unless I say I love you first and then sometimes he'd say it back and sometimes he wouldn't. I've told him how proud I am of him, he just started reading and he's doing so well in school. I explained his report card to him and told him what a wonderful job he's doing. I've made a big deal of the funny things he says (and he's said some doozies!). He likes to laugh with me, make me laugh. I recognize that in him because I was the same way with my Dad.
We had a great Thanksgiving in the outer banks of NC, we rented an 8 bedroom three story house, there were 18 of us. H's family. It was relaxing, fun, we had a great time.
We're still waiting to hear about the land to build the house.
My sister is coming to visit this weekend. I plan to wash my bedding and give her the guest bedroom. I then plan to sleep in my own bed, at least for the weekend. I will not sleep on the couch when we have guests in our home. That may cause problems, I honestly wasn't expecting too big of a resistance, but after this morning I'm not sure about that anymore.
Which brings us to what's going bad. H has supposedly seen some problems with S6. Something isn't right, etc. Personally, I think H is feeling distraught about the R that S6 and I have been developing. I could see it coming when there were a couple of instances where Daddy was right there, but for whatever reason, S6 came to me. So, next thing I know, Daddy and S6 need a 'boys night out'. Fine. I was supportive even though I had my thoughts about what was happening. We meet up at S6's musical program at school at 6:30pm. S6 will barely say hi to me. We go to dinner S6 was not very hungry. He laid his head in my lap in the booth, was tired and said so. But still, H insists on keeping him up, he just will not give on the bedtime thing. I'm amazed. We get home and H starts doing homework. It's 9:15pm. I said I would help S6 do it in the morning, but H continued. We got into an argument and H says in front of S6 that I favor D3 and don't treat S6 fairly. Even if that were true, I'm still stunned that he said that in front of S6. Last night after S6 was in bed, I told H I would appreciate it if he would keep his nasty comments to himself when we're in front of S6 and he mumbled someting with the F word in it, I don't even know what he said.
I can see what H is doing and it pisses me off to no end. He can see that S6's and my R has been improving and instead of seeing the benefits of that, he feels the loss. And he is doing whatever he can to change the dynamics back.
The last few nights, there has been tension about the bedtime and H has dropped sentences here and there telling me that I'm not nice to S6 and I treat D3 differently, but last night is the first time he's said it right in front of S6. I've disregarded H's comments because it's simply not true. I treat the kids with the same amount of love and concern and I know this because I can say with 100% honesty to myself that I love them the same and I want to instill the same values in both of them. I know that some parents prefer one child or the other, I simply do not. If anything, it is my H who favors S6. He arranges special 'outings', buys him special presents, takes S6 to bed with him.....I can't see how he can possibly deny it, but alas he not only denies it, but accuses me of it. I almost always try to see his point of view, but there is positively no truth the to idea that I treat S6 unfarily. He is older and therefore has more responsility, if you can call it that, than his sister. That is part of being older and becasue of that he also has more privileges. That's life. There are certain things that I've started doing and it drives H crazy. I expect S6 to dress himself for the most part. I give him his clothes and unless he requests my help, he is expected to get himself ready. I have to constantly remind him because he gets distracted with the TV. Sometimes he has to go down to his room and get dressed and then come back out so that the TV doesn't distract him but that is only if I've had to ask him repeatedly and I always give him a warning before I send him down to his room. I still help D3 get dressed. She is turning 4 and she's very independent anyway, I expect her to be ready to dress herself pretty soon.
I also expect the kids to put their dirty clothes in the clothes basket. Finally, since Kindegarten has started, I've asked S6 to carry his own backpack and lunchbox. I've tried to establish that he has ownership and responsibility for those items. Obviously I don't yell at him if he forgets it or anything, I just remind him to get it. Those things drive H crazy. H dresses S6, if I ask S6 to pick up his dirty clothes, H says "I'll handle it". This morning I just said "That's ok Daddy, we can do it. Come on guys, let's get your clothes in the basket". H says I'm trying to make them (him) grow up too fast. ??
Lately, S6 gets up and eats his cereal and then goes down to Daddy's room and crawls in bed with him (on the days I take the kids to school, H is still sleeping). I carry S6's clothes down there for him, but because S6 knows Daddy dresses him, he doesn't take responsiblity for dressing himself and as a result, I become dependent on H. Sometimes S6 falls back asleep before he is dressed. On the occasion that I tried to tell S6 that if he falls back asleep and doesn't get ready like he's supposed to, he won't be able to come down here, H told me to 'just go on', i.e 'get out'. H is convinced that I have a problem with S6 being down there snuggling. I'm just miffed that he cannot see the problem is not that I'm jealous of the snuggling!! HEL-LO, the problem is that I've gotten S6 up and then he goes down there and falls back asleep again. Everything is such a battle!!
Then of course, there is this morning. H told me that I treat S6 'like sh!t' and he is tired of sitting by and watching it happen. My jaw dropped. My H just told me I treat my son like sh!t?! Really, I mean like *sh!t*? Did I hear that right? My whold body had a reaction.....I can't even describe it. If he'd have been looking at me, I'm pretty sure I'd have smacked him across the face. I told him not to *ever* utter those words to me again and he said he'd say them as often as it was true. Of course, he wouldn't look at me, he was getting clothes out of S6's drawer, left the room and said the last part without even being in the same room as me. I was shaking, I'm pretty much in disbelief even now. I mean, I know we have our parenting differences, but for him to say that.....I think it was the last uncharted territory I guess. He's insulted my parenting several times before, but to tell me I treat my child like sh!t, it's practically implying child abuse or something. It's unforigiveable quite honestly.