To me the answers you are looking for are actually in the questions you ask.
I think somehow I have low self esteem even though no one else seems to see that about me. If something brings on my feelings of doubt about myself, I shut down.
It might be possible that many more people see this in you than you think…. I’m pretty sure your H could write a book about it, as it concerns you.
It infuriates me because I find his behavior disrespectful. I envision the way friends treat one another or the way two people who are dating treat one another and it infuriates me that he would treat me any less.
I completely understand your feelings about disrespect. That is a button of mine, though not a hot one. You might be feeling disrespect because you do not feel accepted, validated, worthy, valuable, etc…. Why this things would bother you all come back to a feeling of exclusion, which is a milder form of abandonment, don’t you think? When he disrespects you, he is indirectly abandoning you.
Somehow I feel like it's connected to jealousy. I can't quite say how which is why I haven't really brought it up except to ask if anyone had any good book recommendations on the subject.
Jealousy is just another symptom, a reaction. The same logic as disrespect.
I was referring to the idea that H would purposely be nice to me to reel me in just to make me vulnerable so that I'd be more susceptible to the next blow. That would very much make me the puppet because I'm unsuspecting and react just the way he wants. That's different from how my kids would act because they're not trying to set me up to hurt me.
Yes, I understand this, but how do you know this is what he is doing? What if your kids were baby geniuses and reeling you in the same way. Would you have the same emotional reaction to their treating you like a puppet? Your kids will manipulate the heck out of you as they get older, but I doubt it will push the same buttons as when your H does it. It might be better to think of your H more as you do your kids and don’t let it get under your skin so much.
I don't really have a problem being vulnerable as long as I feel safe.
No one does. The problem is in feeling safe. You can be locked in a padded storm cellar and still not feel safe, if there is some voice in your head telling you that you are not safe. You can feel safe standing on top of a radio antennae in a lighting storm if that same voice tells you that you are safe. Safety is not just HIM doing something to make you safe, it is also you taking that leap of faith that you will be safe. No one can make this leap for you.
But in general, I don't think I'm closed to intimacy or not able to reciprocate it.
I hope so because thinking you can do something and then actually doing it are not the same.
It's just difficult right now because H has treated me in such a way that makes me not trust him and feel that I'm a weak fool if I love him.
Why does the fact that you love someone who has problems make you a weak person. It seems to me like you are a strong person for being willing to do that, to show compassion, and help him work through his issues. Don’t punish him for you low self esteem issues. If you have these problems, focus on where they came from and don’t project it all onto your H.
Think of him as a hurt child and try to let him know that you want to understand his pain, his hurts, his fears of abandonment. Look at him as you do you son when he is hurt. Each time you listen to your H’s angry outbursts, try to hear what he is really upset about. It will always be the same thing – his hurt and fears. Try this on the supposition that you have to do it first so you can get him to do the same to you. It is a purely selfish act on your part. If it helps your sense of vengeance to think this is your way of manipulating him as your puppet to eventually have him soothe you, then do so. (Just don’t say anything about it.)
And the pornography thing puts another spin on the physical side of things, which I haven't really had to face because we're not really being physical. But I know it's there.
And stop obsessing about the porn. This is just another way to abandon you and play on your fears. It is his way of manipulating you. Let it go for now.
