Afterall...This IS my Life

[heatherg]

I think not calling names is admirable, and it is more than I can do at times.

I was going to say baloney but then I changed my mind. Oops, did I just say baloney? What I meant to say was that I have faith in you Cobra. You can do it.

I am not convinced he is an avoider.

I'd like to think he's not because somehow a pursuer seems to care more about the R. But I do believe all the facts point to avoidance. He's an alcoholic, he detests favors and responsibility to others including the basic responsibilities of friendship, his commonplace answer to most questions is 'I don't know', he is a huge fan of movies, fantasy books, games, toys, etc which he loses himself in every single day in one form or another. These are just some of the most obvious things about him.

he is also very passive aggressive, so anything he does might seem like avoidance.

I can see this too, but I still say that even his passive agressiveness is just the easiest way for him to get his way without having to engage.

But you have a big problem in facing intimacy and vulnerability. In this way I still think you avoid deep emotions, but you are fighting with your H to get the validation you want without having to become vulnerable. Its like on one hand you pursue, but then on the other you avoid.

This is somewhat true. I'm not good at being emotionally intimate....this is not to say that I avoid though, simply because my H is not good at it either so it's not like he pursues me with deep conversations that I lamely bow out of. I'm not real good at letting my vulnerabilities show, you are 100% correct about that. And you're also correct that I still want the intimacy. Not really fair is it?

You seem to have a better handle on yourself now than several months ago.

I agree. I can more easily see the bigger picture now that I've detached more....I don't take the things H says as personally as I used to and I feel more sure of myself. Lately, H has tried to tell me that I am mean to S6, which is just a bunch of crap. Honestly, I've listened to it just long enough to ask myself 'is it true?' With my answer being 'no, it isn't' I've just let it go. Who cares what he thinks? I'm a good mother and my son loves me, much to H's chagrin I sometimes think.

You say you want him to accommodate your needs and vice versa. What does this really mean?

It means looking at our differences and figuring out the best way to make our lives work given those differences. For instance, H is a night owl. If he would adopt a few different habits, I'd be more willing to accept that. If he'd make a real effort to be quiet and keep lights out in rooms he's not occupying I think I could be more accepting. But it's like we can't have those kinds of conversations because he treats me like an annoying mosquito that's buzzing in his ear. It's exactly that feeling that contributed to me having an A in the first place.

Once you feel connected in this way, does it matter that there are differences between you two?


Yes, it will always matter because the differences affect the quality of each of our lives. We have to figure out resolutions, there's no way to say "I hear you that the lights keep you awake at night....awwe, I'm really sorry about that" <insert puppy dog eyes> but then keep doing it anyway reasoning that he has soothed me and therefore the difference shouldn't matter anymore. It still matters. Resolution is the only way. Compromise. Talking it out. Respecting each other's feelings to the extent that the resolution appears very necessary so that the rift can be repaired and the M can be as loving as possible.

Do you REALLY know what it is that triggers you to say the mean things you say?

Yes. His avoidance and nonchalant attitude about what I'm saying as though I'm that mosquito in his ear. It used to escalate the situation into me becoming a screaming maniac. Of course, I don't do that anymore. But I still gnash my teeth at night

Don’t you react because you feel fear and anxiety, fear that he will leave you, that you will lose your family and all your dreams?

Honestly no. I react that way because it infuriates me that he treats me the way he does and there is seemingly nothing I can do about it except try to give him a wake up call (tried that, didn't work) or leave. Of course, being here on the boards I have learned that there may be other ways. But to answer your quetion, no, my fears per se are not what drive my reactions. It's anger through and through.

so you get angry, yell, and go do what you want to defy him. It is your passive aggressive way to get back at him. Can you see this?

No, not really because it's not really what I do at least not anymore. I got pissy when he said he didn't want to get the fridge right now, but I didn't get angry really or yell. Nor does my intention to get the fridge have anything to do whatsoever with defying him. It simply has to do with the fact that our 13 yr old fridge is a piece and I make good enough money to buy a new one. That's all. Really.

When your kids react this way, can you ever know exactly what panicked them? Does it matter? You just give them loads of comfort and security and they get better. It works every time right?

I can see this Cobra. If I can get it past my gag reflex, I might be able to try it. That was only half joking. I do see your point.

The thing I saw in that weekend you had is that you kept your unhappiness in your thoughts,

What made you think this?

Blackfoot: Heather you made me laugh again.
In essence you said, I know what pisses my H off and by God Im going to do it.

Good to see ya BF. I really don't see that. Like I said above, the fridge has nothing to do with pissing off my H. In fact, I was shocked he didn't agree with me when I said I'd buy a used one. Hell, that seems like a pretty good compromise to me. He can deny all he wants, but I'm here to tell ya, he's said himself we need a new one and that was *before* the ice maker broke. Ok, so here's the deal. I'm getting the used fridge. BUT, my initial suggestion was that we use the tax return money to do it. Now, I'll give him his half in cash and use my money to get the fridge. Don't get too tangled in the my money-his money thing. It's just the way we do things. And I'm arranging for whoever I buy it from to deliver it. All we'll have to do is swap the old one to the curb and put the new one in.

There is an alternative.

Don't go cryptic on me, what do you suggest?

I do not think the fridge is the issue. It is just another thing over which to fight for control.

I totally agree and it's ridiculous. I'm not fighting for control. Something breaks, you either fix it or buy a new one. Oh yeah by the way, if he could fix it, I would be totally open to keeping it. I didn't just decide we needed a new fridge, it broke. I didn't have any control over that but I can certainly control whether or not I have ice tomorrow, kwim? If H doesn't want ice tomorrow, he doesn't have to use it

address his insecurities, let him know why you need the fridge,

Again, gag, but ok. Whatever works. Maybe someday he'll grow up.

After I posted my comments to you yesterday, it occurred to me that maybe he was being nice to you that weekend in order to pull you closer, so he could then push you away. I recall you said something long ago that one of his objectives was to make you pay for you’re a. He cannot extract much vengeance on you if you don’t make yourself vulnerable. So if he can get you to warm up, open up a little, become vulnerable, then he can put on a little more hurt. This is a very cynical view, I know, but if he is a narcissist, or at least has some strong tendencies, this will not be beyond him.

With thoughts like this, do you see why I gag at the thought of soothing him?! It's like I'm a little puppet on a string for him to manipulate and it works because he knows I care. Now *that* would be sick.