Afterall...This IS my Life

[heatherg]

Cobra, here are a few things I can identify that make me feel crazy:

H's refusal to accept responsibility for any of our R problems in any meaningful way

H's namecalling and apparent state of surprise at my ridiculousness when I try to say something

H's refusal to validate any of the problems I have in our M

It's this stuff.....stuff that seems so universally accepted and reasonable to me....don't call names, devote some time to your M, a 9:30 bedtime for a toddler. I guess I just can't understand his arguments, but he is so sure of himself and his refusal to validate my side always bring me back to me, it must be me. It blows my mind that he says I can't compromise because I've been forced to compromise on absolutely everything during our entire R. I can't even buy new dishes because everything I pick out he says he doesn't like and when I've said out of frustration that I'm just going to buy some, he says he will not eat off of them. Our ice maker just broke in our 13 year old refridgerator and I want to buy a used one that we can leave with the house if/when we sell. H isn't 'ready'. He says it's a waste of money. The guy who can't stop buying toys and Heroscape pieces....our dining room is stacked with games that he's bought, we hve toys in the attic. A waste of money? WTH? I make good money and there is no reason I cannot buy a new fridge if I want one. The handles were looking yucky on the old one (handles were $175 to replace...might as well buy the used fridge), the meat drawer is broke and doesn't shut well, etc. It's due if you ask me. The weird thing is, is that he has b!tched about the fridge drawer himself saying that we need a new one. But yet I can't do anything about it, because he disagrees and doesn't recall saying anything about needing a new one.
My kids are where I draw a line in the sand. Bedtime affects their well being and it affects mine and so I refuse to give. And now it is being used as a punishment, another dangling carrot, another reason that our R cannot move forward.

This rings true to me, this sounds like me.

trying to find where you can get a reaction in your H to reconnect. Sort of like running up and down a long hallway of doors, knocking on each one to see which will open.

I do, desperately, want our M to work. I want our kids to grow up in an in tact family with that sense of security. I feel like I have let this eat me up for so long....don't my intentions ever count for anything? Can't he see how badly I want this to work? It seems he can't. All he can see is that I have to have everything my way. ??

What I have been focusing on lately is what I see you needing to do also, become aware of the fears and anxieties each of you have, discuss and acknowledge those needs in each other, then agree to do what you can to sooth them.

The thing is Cobra, my H won't agree to anything. Still, he says he's taking it one day at a time. But I can start with me, I can start with my fears, as long as I don't expect him to do anything about it. Because he won't. Pornography is a prime example. Forget it.

His coolness in front of the counselor is to protect himself from inspection. That does not have to mean anything about you.

You're right. It's just the stuff he hangs out there always leads back to me, I drive myself crazy feeling like I should be able to fix this because H keeps telling me I have the pieces.

But what is wrong with taking advantage of that opening? Does his wanting sex from you turns you off because you want him to need you, or at least first show that he is vulnerable to you, thus sparing you the need to be vulnerable to him?

No. It's because he slowly pulls back on affection and goes back to being cold after he gets it. I find it very manipulative and demeaning.

When you turn down his approach, he reads it as your insensitivity to him, which confirms to him what he has been complaining about.

I haven't turned him down. Yet. It's just that he knows how I feel about it, so sex isn't really on the table for the most part unless he treats me very kindly, doing or saying something to soothe my concerns about not sleeping in the same bed, etc.