Afterall...This IS my Life

[heatherg]

The affections and the good feelings that we shared on our trip didn't last very long. We're still doing alright, being friendly and sometimes a pat of affection, but not happy like we were for that one weekend. Other than that, I've been sticking pretty close to my strategy of not speaking about 'us', just trying to let him come to his conclusions on his own. I guess I've already said everything there is to say anyway.
I tried sitting on his lap and telling him that I had a really good time and was sort of sad that we haven't been relating to each other the same way since we've been home. He said "Well, we have busy lives." He also said "It was a different environment." I can't remember exactly what I said but his response was "It seems like you're pressuring it." I answered "I guess it seems like I'm pressuring it because it seems like you're blowing it off." That was the end of the conversation.
I haven't initiated any relationship talks in a long time, nor did I request that we continue sleeping in the same bed when we got home. I don't feel like I've been pressuring him at all, in fact my strategy is not to have any conversations at all about 'us'. The only conversation I can think of is the meltdown of sorts that I had when he came home from one of his trips a month or two ago. I was pretty emotional because I didn't want him to come home and I confessed that I couldn't decide if building a house with him was a sign of my commitment or an act of incredible irresponsibility.
The affection has just slowly tapered off and there's something that's been bothering me, in addition to the obvious. I've nevered understood the phrase "My H is only nice to me when he wants sex." I'm starting to wonder if that phrase pertains to me. H and I don't have a regular sex life anymore because I won't. H started being nice to me before we ever even left for Annapolis, with hugs and the question I mentioned above where he said "Why are we so stupid?" He also pulled me down onto the bed while we were packing to tell me he was very attracted to me. So, I guess I don't get the part about a busy life and a different environment. It doesn't add up. It feels like when H reaches the point where it's been too long for him to go without sex, he knows what to do and say to get it. Thing is, I'm catching on and I don't like that possibility one bit.
We have reached a new plateau where we get along reasonably well, we're not overtly disrespectful to one another like we were, and we have affection that ranges from zero to mild to pretty loving. But I have to say that I get very, very frustrated if I let myself dwell on certain things. So, certain thoughts are off my 'allowed to think about' list for the most part, but my sister thinks I'm 'burying my head in the sand'. Interesting she should say that because I've never confessed to her that there are thoughts I can't/won't think about. Sisters are rather perceptive I guess and even though I was hurt by what she said and she apologized for it without my having to directly express that I was hurt....I wonder if she is right. I've been living like I'm staying long term. I told myself this past summer that I'd give it another year. Somewhere, I've forgotten about the year part and started believing that I really would be here long term. I guess the back and forth emotional pull is making me remember the year part. Thanks guys, I'm having a bit of an emotional moment I guess.

Heather