One thing I recall from counseling on this topic was that when people say things like this, they are sometimes actually talking about themselves.
Yes, and it does make sense. It's pretty subjective though and makes it really imperative that we are able to analyze our own behavior as objectively as possible so we can see this tendency in ourselves if it is there.
When I aked about ego, I was recalling a mention on the boards somewhere about people who expect too much of themselves and are really hard on themselves because they think they should be perfect. Does anybody recall what I'm talking about? Then I also read something about it in the book I'm reading...I'll go back and find it and post it but it was just a quick sentence that seemed to be referring to the same idea that I remembered reading about here somewhere. The idea is apparently that ego is what causes someone to feel like they are so perfect that they should never be allowed to screw up. I had just never thought of it like that before...a big ego is not usually what comes to mind for me when I see someone beating themselves up about something.
I thought you mentioned some time back that you both came from dysfunctional families, not necessarily abusive but dysfunctional enough that you both wanted out and turned to each other for escape. Actually, I can’t possibly see how your H could not come from a narcissistic setting, which IS abusive. The control issues in him that you talk about are just too clear.
No, in fact if anything, I've been confused about H's alcoholic/depressive tendencies because he did NOT come from an abusive background. He had 3 siblings, two younger sisters and an older brother. He had a large extended family, lots of aunts, uncles and cousins. There was nothing in his childhood that was unusual and we are very close to everyone in his family to this day. His parents actually moved to VA from MI in order to be closer to the grandkids and his sister lives 25 mins from us and we spend weekends with them all the time. His brother lives in MD and we see them several times a year. His youngest sister is a bit different from the rest...she is very much a naturalist and seems to be content being farther away from the family, as she works more toward the west side of the US working as a botanist and backpacking in the woods for days at a time. But they still all get along very well. SO.....what about narcisstic? Well, let me tell you the word that came to mind the first time my eyes fell on my H......ARROGANT. Buy as for why he is that way, I've come to realize, just like Blackfoot says, that it is insecurity not a true feeling that he is the greatest thing ever.
The video game is not the issue. His fear of abandonment is the issue. You can sooth that fear in more ways than just playing video games.
LOL, I wasn't talking about playing video games with my H, I was talking about finding a game that S6 and I can play together.
Actually, I can’t possibly see how your H could not come from a narcissistic setting, which IS abusive. The control issues in him that you talk about are just too clear.
I'm not seeing the whole narcissistic family dynamic theory. I can see that his mother could be considered controlling-sometimes overtly, but mostly very covertly. And H's sister (the one that lives 25 mins from us) is very headstrong and I can remember that H could not stand her when they lived under the same roof. But now they get along very well. When I met H, he clearly had a preference for his other sister and her personality was quiet, shy and reserved...he was actually quite fond of her. I don't see narcissism per se in his family dynamics, but I can perhaps see that the women in H's early life may have been dominating in comparison to H.
For those raised in a narcissistic family, these lessons are circumvented. The only rule is the use of power to override the needs of others in order to have yours met first. The kids always lose since they are the weakest. So they learn to deal with their insecurities and fears the best they can and wait for the day they have enough power to meet their own needs, just like mom and dad. Isn’t this what you went through?
Well, looking back my parents could have done a better job than they did. But I didn't realize that at the time, so it didn't really negatively affect me kwim? Except for the alcohol issue that is.
After some time at this level, I think we can then evolve to yet another higher level.
I hope so. For you and for me. And for everyone else on this board for that matter.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
