He's indicated that I'm controlling and he constantly tells me how selfish I am and how I have to have everything my way. I often wonder if he doesn't want to fix this M simply because he doesn't want to give me what I want.
One thing I recall from counseling on this topic was that when people say things like this, they are sometimes actually talking about themselves. You H accuses you of being controlling, but that is only because he is able to see it, because it takes one to know one, KWIM?
Can anyone explain 'ego' to me?
I have often seen confusion between ego and pride. To me, someone is acting egotistical when their actions or words are focused on enhancing him/herself, puffing up like a peacock to look good to others, but for the purpose of receiving praise and admiration to feel good. Pride, in my view, is doing or acting in some way for the purpose of an external principle, like the pride you see when people speak of their heritage, nationality, or something of that nature. They associate with the praise that may be given to that principle, but are secondary to the principle.
Ego in relationship terms is focused more on being true to yourself, like Corri has been discussing lately, not painting a false image of yourself but truthfully acknowledging weakness, etc. But I also think one’s perception of someone else as an egotistical person is a direct function of your own self image. Someone who is arrogant to one person may not seem that way to another. The two people making the evaluation may have totally different self images and therefore perceive this third person in different ways. So I think ego has a lot of relative aspects to it.
…. I can see where my efforts would have fallen short because the love/admiration isn't really there anymore. I've sort of gone from feeling I couldn't live without him to feeling that I'd be better off on my own right now. That sort of a shift in attitude is going to come through in everything I do.
And your H knows it….
I've given the background on my FOO, but I'm curious as to how you came to these conclusions about my H? He didn't have an abusive family background and I haven't given any thought to whether or not it was narcisstic.
I thought you mentioned some time back that you both came from dysfunctional families, not necessarily abusive but dysfunctional enough that you both wanted out and turned to each other for escape. Actually, I can’t possibly see how your H could not come from a narcissistic setting, which IS abusive. The control issues in him that you talk about are just too clear.
This is good stuff Cobra, thanks. From your words, I can see a little more into the 'why' the video games create bonding. I can see the importance of these kinds of interactions too, where your child feels that they are truly your equal, your friend.
I was a Nintendo freak. I can totally get into video games if I can find one I like. It's my new mission Cobra, thanks.
The second part of this is to understand WHY he needs this fulfillment and what you are not doing to give that to him. I’m willing to bet that you did give him that support at one time. The video game is not the issue. His fear of abandonment is the issue. You can sooth that fear in more ways than just playing video games.
You two may be arriving at a new phase in your marriage, like my wife and I. After the ultimatums and power plays have been allowed to run their course, and neither of you really flinch, you learn that those tactics are not the answer. But until you go through them, the idea of using power is the only thing in your mind. For my wife and I, we HAD to go through this cycle. I HAD to use power against her because that is the only language she really understood. I fully believe this in my heart.
Now we are slowly moving to a new phase in which we can mutually support one another in return for getting our own needs met. After some time at this level, I think we can then evolve to yet another higher level.
Remember that I have said a few times that from a philosophical perspective, relationships, like societies, are base on three levels. Democratic authority is granted to a government because it is recognized by the people to be legitimate. But underlying this legitimacy is the understanding that it is backed up by power. Without power everything else crumbles. You have no cause to respect any law if you know there is no sheriff to enforce it. The chaos in Afghanistan and Iraq are perfect examples of this. Once order is restore through power (in a legitimate and not dictatorial way) the laws of society will be respected.
That lesson is what I have been going through in my marriage, and one which I see you and your H learning too. It is a requirement. For those raised in a narcissistic family, these lessons are circumvented. The only rule is the use of power to override the needs of others in order to have yours met first. The kids always lose since they are the weakest. So they learn to deal with their insecurities and fears the best they can and wait for the day they have enough power to meet their own needs, just like mom and dad. Isn’t this what you went through?
