Afterall...This IS my Life

[heatherg]

I guess I'm wondering Heather whether your H is at a place where you can let those letters and that Heather go and have a new R with each other.

We're getting there I think. Some days it feels like things will never change, but other days I can see progress. Every time he pulls a power play, it sets us farther back in this area. I can't let go of the past if it's happening in the present as well....if I want a R with him that is. If I walked away, of course I could let it go.

You've come far from that young girl (let the "weak" go, it is really youth and inexperience) - does he know that?

Yeah he does, and sometimes I think he resents it. He's indicated that I'm controlling and he constantly tells me how selfish I am and how I have to have everything my way. I often wonder if he doesn't want to fix this M simply because he doesn't want to give me what I want.

But I can start with the way I view my past, and you're right 'weak' isn't really the right way to look at it. I was simply young and I have to stop being so hard on myself. Can anyone explain 'ego' to me? I always thought of someone who thinks they are perfect as having a 'big ego'. But I've seen it used in reference to people who are actually too hard on themselves and I'm having some trouble making that connection, but perhpas that is something I need to see in myself even though the connotations of having a big ego are ugly to me.

Ok...so you have grown from that woman you used to be, who wanted to please her H so much that she'd shave her head if he said to. IMPO, that's not a bad thing.

It's probably not a bad thing if you can do it from a place where you actually do it for yourself because it's a choice you make to make a statement to your partner or for some other such reason. But I acted out of guilt, shame, fear....I had REactions, not conscious decisions that resulted in actions. See the difference?

I have to wonder though, if some of what he's looking for is at least a part of that woman you used to be...the one who did write him love letters. You probably have tried that I'm sure, to an extent....haven't you?

This is really something for me to think hard about. I've tried it to a certain extent, but I can see where my efforts would have fallen short because the love/admiration isn't really there anymore. I've sort of gone from feeling I couldn't live without him to feeling that I'd be better off on my own right now. That sort of a shift in attitude is going to come through in everything I do. I really need to work on positive statements and reinforcing behaviors whenever I possibly can because it totally makes sense that he would be needing at least some of the things I gave him in the beginning. Your post was very insightful GEL, thanks.

Changing the dynamics of a relationship is darn hard work.

You can say that again! Before I recognized that I was unhappy in my R, when people said M can be hard work I didn't have a clue of the truth in that statement. There is absolutely no way to fathom the frustration and heartbreak that occurs on a daily basis. I always though heartbreak was something that happens and it takes a while to 'forget'. I've learned that heartbreak can be a process as well as a one time event....and I've learned that the 'break' can be more of a fracture that never seems to heal.

Thank you for the excerpts on emotional blackmail. When my H was using my kids against me I caught on pretty quick that there was something going on outside of the normal R dynamics. Probably about a year ago, I bought the book you've recommended. I read it and recognized much of the behavior both in my H and in myself. I agree that both parties can be guilty as each partner tries to relate to the other in the way that their partner relates to them...i.e. giving a dose of 'their own medicine' and the R becomes a cycle.

Cobra: He suffers from a narcissistic and abusive family background, just as Heather does, and knows of no other way to sooth his hurt than to lash out in anger.

I've given the background on my FOO, but I'm curious as to how you came to these conclusions about my H? He didn't have an abusive family background and I haven't given any thought to whether or not it was narcisstic.

But they have already focused way too much on the anger, which is what keeps them chained in their dance.

Agreed.

To change a hardcore established dynamic between two people - one person *has* to step out of the existing loop. But you have to recognize that there is a loop.

Exactly. I hear you loud and clear and I also see Cobra's point, but I see that you are not suggesting that I dwell on H's bad behavior or my own for that matter, only to be able to recognize it so that I can change it and break the cycle. I would say that out of the last two years, a year and half has been focusing on exactly that.

In my experience, books like this do not seem to focus on the root problem, but are meant to wake up the woman (and they are almost exclusively written to women) to the abuse they are taking and fight back. That is a necessary step, but Heather has already been doing that for some time, with no gain to show for it.

I wouldn't say that there has been no gain. I think there has been quite a bit of gain, although it may not single handedly save my M. In fact, in the end, perhaps standing up for myself will actually be what ends my M. But to measure the amount of personal gain in terms of whether or not my M is saved is probably not the way to go. I'm becoming the person I need to be, refining my beliefs and opinions and trying to act accordingly meanwhile not taking any of H's BS. For a really long time, I thought it was a futile effort, remember all my posts that asked 'how do I "not take it"'??? I used to be slightly offended by such posts because they indicated that there was something I could magically do to prove to H that he was being an a@@. I would try my best to stand up for myself, several backslides would occur as my anger would get the best of me in those situations. But I stuck with it because it's the new me quite frankly. And you know what? This past week, I have some evidence that it might be affecting the dynamics of my R....FINALLY!!! I'll post more on that later, but the point I wanted to make is that I do feel there has been much personal gain.

I’m not much into computer games, Gameboy, etc., but I have played with S9 and he REALLY enjoys it when we do. When in the game, the two of us are equals, not father/son. He is much more capable than I at slaying those monsters and bad guys, so we become a real team, even though it is only in cyberspace....When we play, he can cover my back as I cover his. He can feel even save me at times since he is the better player. He feels powerful, competent and valued. When I see him like this I feel good too. I feel connected to him. We have shared an experience together.

This is good stuff Cobra, thanks. From your words, I can see a little more into the 'why' the video games create bonding. I can see the importance of these kinds of interactions too, where your child feels that they are truly your equal, your friend.

It is male bonding.

Disagree. It is bonding. Not necessarily male bonding. Sounds like your W doesn't like video games....I grew up on them. I was a Nintendo freak. I can totally get into video games if I can find one I like. It's my new mission Cobra, thanks