I have mixed emotions over the emotional blackmail viewpoint. My wife has latched onto this POV over the last several years and really seems to identify with the victim role, focusing on every bad thing I ever did to justify her anger. It creates a self fulfilling cycle that is not productive. It is all a deflection to maintain walls and defenses and avoid the need to make herself vulnerable.
Unlike how your wife has been described, Heather seems to experience a deep sense of guilt, responsibilty and unworthiness.
According to the book:
The protective qualities that we have that open us up to emotional blackmail are:
An excessive need for approval
An intense fear of anger
A need for peace at any price
A tendency to take too much responsibility for other people's lives
A high level of self-doubt.
I think Heather has written posts describing herself that touch upon the list written above. I don't think many of the above describe your wife.
I also think that *both* spouses can be emotional blackmailers.
