Hey GEL, Proper communication is probably the key at this point. With the right words, over time, we could probably heal for the most part. The 'proper' part is what we still struggle with....with the communication part we've gotten much better...it used to be that we couldn't speak at all. He would walk away or ignore me, etc and when I pushed hard enough to actually make him listen, it was confrontational at that point. We can actually have a conversation now and H has not disrespected me like that in quite a while now that I think about it. That's a pretty big deal. I was just thinking that when H and I were first together, I was really affected by his intense moods. If he was upset with me he would ignore me.....I had no idea how to deal with that. At the time, I thought surely that must mean we were just about over then. I always felt really horrible, I mean only someone/something really horrible could create a reaction that intense, right? What I didn't know about my H then that I know now is that his 'consequences' can far outweigh the 'crime'. But back then, I would grovel. I would write letters telling him how sorry I was for whatever it was I did, how much I loved him, that he was my everything and I didn't know how I would survive if I wasn't with him. Eventually, I would be able to 'win' him over. And I would bask in his love again, because that too is very intense (i.e. picture his R with S5). To go from one extreme to the other was more than I had the means to understand and cope with at 17 years old. I've since read some of those letters that he's kept and to be honest, it kind of makes me sick. I remember the feelings I had when I wrote them...just utter despair. I hate that I was so desperate and so unprepared to deal with situations that H created out of nothing, really. Because he didn't like what I was wearing, because he didn't like something I'd done in my past, etc. I was so surprised, shocked and ashamed at some of the things that he got upset about, I just didn't know what to do. My point in all of this is that I am so determined to never be that girl again that I think it affects my ability to communicate honestly with him about my feelings. It is hard for me to show him that I am crushed becase I immediately get sick thinking of the weak girl that would have shaved her head if her boyfriend said she should. I know the circumstances are different now, I know that I've actually done something to be chastised for this time, but the feelings that surround my honesty about my feelings are the same.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
