Afterall...This IS my Life

[heatherg]

What would happen if you just stopped sleeping in another room and just went to bed in YOUR bed?

Two things. First, he would make it really difficult for me to sleep. He would workout in there late at night (all the workout equipment is in there....did I mention we've outgrown our house?!), he'd probably start watching tv in there. Remember H is a night owl and he would do whatever he could think of to make sure that I don't get enough sleep. He knows eventually I would cave. So, we would never get to the second thing that would happen, but let's just say for conversational purposes that he did leave me alone. He'd never sleep with me again. You have seen how stubborn he can be and don't doubt for a minute that there wouldn't be severe 'consequences' for me sleeping in my bed against his wishes.
I can barely say that I want to sleep in my own bed and that enough is enough without H using my 'attitude' as the perfect example of why I'm *not* sleeping in my own bed. To actually sleep in there without his consent....it's really not an option, at least not one that I would be able to maintain.

I do intend to stick to my guns on the bedtime issue. He resents the hell out of me and it's really hard....I usually just end up pushing for nothing because they won't move toward bed until H is darn good and ready. For instance, they'll be in the middle of a video game or something and H will say 'we're almost done'. Then they'll keep playing until it's bedtime in H's opinion. I've tried making S5 stop playing the game when I said and believe me, it did not go over well with S5. It's not fair to him to put him in the middle like that....when he's got daddy telling him he can finish the game and mommy telling him he has to go to bed now....it just confuses him and last time he was crying and everything else. I felt like a HUGE ogre and I could see the confusion in his eyes, as he genuinely thought I was being mean to him.

I think it's a possibility that H purposely keeps S5 awake so that he'll be a buffer between him and I. And that would go hand in hand with the counselor's opinion that H has problems with intimacy. But honestly, my gut tells me that isn't it. Because, then it wouldn't matter if it was S5 or D3....or both. H very specifically has placed S5 in a position that is, well I don't know. I can't even describe it. All I can say is that it throws the balance off in our house tremendously and he doesn't do it with D3. There is something about S5, I don't know what. Maybe he sees S5 as him when he was younger, I have no idea. But there is something there. He would spend every minute with S5 if he could. He's his best friend, quite simply.

I think I have a better understanding in my heart that H wants me to love him, really love him. He wants me to be able to take that love and dedicate it to doing whatever it takes to repair the M. He said that he feels like I treat him like he is just someone I can 'beat down'. I think if I were in his shoes, having been cheated on, I would want to see an abundance of love coming from them too. Last night I told him that in order to move this M forward, we BOTH have to try. I looked at him and I said "I cheated on you, but you still have to TRY if we want to make this M work. It sucks, it isn't fair, but that's the way it IS". He said "So, I just give you everything you want and then we'll see is that it?"
There's no doubt he's afraid of giving his heart, I can see it. I'm afraid of giving mine too. But for me, the difference is that I know it's what's best for the kids. For us to stay together. In which case, we have to make the best of it. That doesn't mean that my undying love is going to start pouring forth. It means we have to build something worth loving. He doesn't get it. It's like the worst catch 22 I can imagine. He can't try until he sees that I love him, but I can't just manufacture love out of nothing, so we have to try before the love can be grown.