Afterall...This IS my Life

[heatherg]

I know you're not nit-picking, it's pretty clear even to me that I'm still leaving myself an out. I also agree that it is a far cry from 'for better or worse'. I think I implied the wrong message with the following:

That statement along with some other things he's said point to him needing to know that I am in this M with both feet. There were a couple of things I was holding out on because I *wasn't* in the M with both feet, i.e. building/buying a house and possibly getting him a job at the same company as me.

My point wasn't necessarily that I am in the M with both feet now at this very moment, but that I am working toward it and trying to change my perspectives that were holding me back.

It will be a really long time before I stop planning my escape however subconsciously it may eventually become. I may never stop to be honest with you. I am very weary of where my R has been and though the progress has been slow, there has been progress because I know that if my M went back to where it was, I would leave. I am weary. That is the best way to describe it. The innocence in my R is gone and I now believe that 'for better or worse' is very subjective and not nearly as permanent as it's supposed to sound. Everyone has their limits and when things get to the 'worse' part, people typically know when their limits have been breached and their 'worse' has become a reality that they never imagined when they uttered the words. The innocene is just gone for me and I really wish it weren't because I do believe in the institution of M and I do believe in love. Unfortunately, I just let my R with my H get to a point where no R can return unscathed. Boundaries have been crossed, respect has been shunned and emotional/verbal abuse a common occurence. There is no way to say the 'for better or worse' to H again I don't think....I've been to the worse and wouldn't knowingly go back.

even saying something like "I'm taking one day at a time and doing the best I can in my M each day." sounds more committed than what you wrote.

Both statements are true. I am doing the best I can. I also give myself permission to leave if things start to go back to where they were.....if H starts to drink like he used to, if he puts his hands on me, if he tries to use the kids as ammunition against me. Looking back, I see that the long term price for those kinds of interactions are too high for both me and the kids.

I'm also giving myself an out if I find that H and I just can't reconnect. I don't want to live forever the way we are. If we cannot continue the forward movement, i.e. two years from now we are still in separate beds and he's still not wearing his rings.....then I've got to go. At that point, I've got to believe it would be for the best.

With that being said, I truly don't believe we'll still be in separate beds in two years. That belief is what gives me the strength to keep trying.