Hey Burgbud,

I gotta ask, though, why are you worrying about this stuff?

I was really more hurt by his comment than worried about it. It hurt, it just did.

It's clear you're not going to leave.

You say that like you're disappointed in me I'm taking it day by day. I spoke with my C about this the last time I was there and I'll tell you what I told her. H has said he needs me to be more committed to him. That statement along with some other things he's said point to him needing to know that I am in this M with both feet. There were a couple of things I was holding out on because I *wasn't* in the M with both feet, i.e. building/buying a house and possibly getting him a job at the same company as me. If things aren't going well in a M, there are some very valid rasons not to do either and I was looking at it from that angle. But if you're trying to make the M work, there may be some very valid reasons to do both. So, I decided to really try to give him what he's said he needs. I know this will put me in a more difficult position later if things in the M do not improve. But, I'm trying to have faith. It's a 180 for me

So focus on the positives...what you focus on expands.

I really do believe this is true. I'm half way through the movie 'What the Bleep do We Know?!' and it's really interesting. I read the book "ONE" by Richard Bach many years ago and it was a good preface for a movie like this one. Watch it sometime if you're inclined.

It's not about making the right decision, it's about making the decision right, remember?

Right! And so, my decision to build, etc. I've got to give it a real try. I've talked to so many people who've made it through the rough times in their M and they all say that it takes TIME. Lots of time. We've got a good start on the time part I'm figuring

You've decided. Now discard the pieces that get in the way of your happiness and emphasize the rest.

One day at a time......some days I commit to my decision once again and other days I doubt it and like you said, I do try to discard those thoughts. They're useless. But I think I need to be aware and be realistic about how things are coming along.

Should I get spun up about it every week or do I just accept that this is who she is and this is how our R will be?

I see your point. There is a major difference though as you get to limit the effect Steff has on your life now that she's no longer in it on a daily basis. Reconciling is a really tough road and every day seems to require a new commitment to my purpose. H's actions can really impair my abilty to recommit each day, lol.

You've found the most peace when you've put this kind of thing aside and focused on your own life and happiness.

Right you are my friend.

I did tell H that he hurt my feelings with his comments. I figured the passive aggressive shortness with him needed to stop and I needed to be honest about my feelings, so I told him. He apologized and said it wasn't his intention to hurt my feelings. I said it was two-fold-first his specific exclusion of me when he said it was all about him getting to be with his kids and second when he made it sound like he would be fine with seeing me gone and having to travel if it meant he would get to be with the kids. I don't want to trade places with him and I wouldn't. I don't want to travel and be away from my kids, therefore I don't. So, talk about trading places doesn't make any sense to me. Anyway, bottom line, he apologized and said he didn't mean to hurt my feelings that it was more of a misunderstanding than anything. I felt better after we talked.

Then on the way home from my SIL's house tonight something weird happened that I just don't even know how to feel about. It was quarter to nine and H hadn't called yet, which is odd b/c D3's bedtime is 8:30. H didn't answer his phone so I left the following voicemail: "Hey, it's me. It's quarter to nine and it seems weird you haven't called yet. We're on the way home from SIL's and I plan to put the kids straight to bed, so hopefully you get this and call back soon. Bye".
A few minutes later my phone rings. It's H. It's lound, he's obviously in a bar. My mind races. Today's Sunday, he watched the football game at a bar today....the game started at 1pm and they are an hour behind, which means he's been in the bar for nearly 7 hours. OMG. Ok, I have no proof of that. I just sit there. He's guilty, I can tell by the way he's acting. I said "The kids will not be able to hear you, why don't you call back when it's more convenient for you?" He said ok or something equally weak and I hung up. A few minutes later he calls me again and it's quiet. He says something, I can't even remember what honestly because it was so obvious he was drunk. I said "H, you're drunk. Why don't you go back and finish your party and you can talk to the kids tomorrow?" He tried to say something about being cut out and couldn't even get his words out because he was so drunk. I said "OMG, you can't even speak.....I can't hear this" and I hung up. I turned my phone off and unplugged my home phone when we got home.

Drinking like that is really not a negotiable issue for me. I feel a little outside of myself at the moment.

Thanks for stopping by Burgbud.

"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."

- Nathaniel Hawthorne