Afterall...This IS my Life

[heatherg]

I haven't done anything differently and the invitations seemed to come out of nowhere.

My son got sick yesterday and so was not able to go to the party however. But the good news is that my MIL offered to babysit him so that I could go. And D3 really wanted to see the baby (the hostess has a six month old), so her and I went to the party together. We had a great time and I was glad I brought her even though it would have been sort of nice just to go and be alone for a couple of hours too.
I lost touch with the hostess years ago and so was really glad to catch up. She lives about three miles from me, which I didn't know. So, we'll be hanging out again soon.
The friend who invited me to the party asked about Matt and I, asked if we were still sleeping in separate beds. I said yes. We talked about how long it's been and I said I don't know how I would feel if I were him. She asked if we'd been to counseling and I said yes but he quit going because he said he needed to see more commitment from me. She asked why he said that and I said because I've told him that if things don't change, I will not live like this forever and I've been on the verge of leaving for a really long time. That was the extent of the conversation because it wasn't the time or place to talk about it. But I did leave the conversation feeling really shameful again. She really doesn't know me well enough to know this personal aspect of my life, but she does know it. She knows because she was one of the first people I called when H threw me out of the house that horrible day. Did you guys see Grey's Anatomy Thursday? That flashback where the wife cheated on McDreamy and he threw her out of the house? That scene was heart wrenching for me....the similarities were astounding except for the part where he let her back in and said 'you stay, I'll go'. That compassionate part never happened to me, lol. I didn't have a best friend or a close family member to go to. I was like a lost ship sailing at sea and I probably told 5 people that morning because I didn't know who to call or where to go and she was one of those five people I told. So, she really doesn't know me all that well, like to know the problems that have gone on in our M or how out of character it is for me to do what I did. So, for her to know, but not know everything feels really cheap. I feel really cheap. And that's a really hard feeling to cope with.

On the M front, not a whole lot goes on when H is travelling. But the other night we were talking on the phone and I must have been talking about the crazy day we had or something, I can't remember, but H said "I'll trade ya" and I said "It's not about that" and he said "Yes it is, it's all about that, me getting to be with my kids".
The comment really bothered me and I've been short with him ever since. That sentence really sums up the past 5 years of our lives and he just doesn't GET it.
Could he really be that clueless about how much that statement would hurt me or does he say stuff like that on purpose?
Things like this really frustrate me because it makes me think he will never, ever change. He is just so aboslutely wrapped up with his kids, he doesn't even see the need for a wife, especially a wife who betrayed him. Is there any hope?!
And, you know, while I'm at it lol, I'm really sick and tired of him being 'woe is me, I have to travel and be away from my kids and they mean the world to me..boo hoo', why doens't he find something else? He doesn't even LOOK for another job. It's like the only way he would ever leave is if someone HANDED him a new job, like I'm trying to do at my company. Sometimes I just want to scream at him "NO, it isn't all about you being with your kids Matt or you WOULD be home with your kids, it's that simple".
Ugh.