About making friends, I know I need to put myself out there somehow. The somehow is what I haven't figured out yet...there is only one...wait now two...girls in my karate class. One is much younger, still in high school, so not much in common there. The other...maybe. I haven't explored that enough to give a fair answer. She came late to the karate picnic we had this past Sunday so I haven't really had a chance to speak to her at all. I've noticed that while I feel peaceful when H is gone, it does infringe on my ability to focus my attention anywhere but the kids, lol. So, having H home does have benefits.
I could ask H about his intentions with his ring or where we would sleep in the new house, although would you agree that asking implies pressure? I'm trying to stay away from anything that implies pressure simply because my goal would be for him to perceive my recommitment to the R with no strings attached. Not only does it logically make sense to me, the tendency toward this comes from within....it feels natural to me to think that he would want to see these actions from me, not expecting anything in return. I'm sure there about a million ways to approach this situation, but this is what feels natural to me. I know that sometimes just because something feels natural doesn't make it the best approach particularly if one is avoiding growth. I don't feel like that's my motive, but please let me know if you see otherwise.
Thanks for the offer to email, that was really sweet. I truly do appreciate it....is your address posted somewhere?
Update: Saw my C today. I love her, I think she's great. But I don't think she helps me. I cried about my situation today for the first time....in a while. I don't want to cry anymore. I can't even remember for sure what she said that made me cry, but I think it was when she stated that she could see I was in pain and she knows this has been a long road for me, too long. Empathy, pity, compassion, whatever you want to call it always makes me feel sorry for myself.
She is convinced that H has issues with intimacy that either started long before me and/or had nothing to do with me or my A. She is also really concerned with his pornography habits, she brings it up just about every session. She expresses a great deal of concern about the 'abnormalcy' of H being able to live with me and not want sex to the point where he continues to turn his back on me like he does. She said I am young and beautiful (ahem, yeah ok, lol) and hasn't met too many men who would be able to live in the same house with me and not want to be sexual and intimate. I have to say that I pretty much stopped cold when she said that, because I know I couldn't do it to him....but still, I don't know what that proves.
There's too much talking about H I think. It seems she's sort of fascinated by his oddities and although she can see why I stay, feels I deserve more. Deserve, the word did not escape my attention in light of the discussions on the boards about deserving nothing...you can pursue it but do not 'deserve' it. I did not counter her point though, just thought it.
Oddly enough each counselor I've had, there's been three because of H's preferences, seems to put my happiness first which surprises me considering I'm a mother of two. I've been surprised at how much the 'outside world' leans toward intimacy and emotional connection...although I wonder how much each of them truly has in their own lives, ya know?
Enough rambling, 5:30am comes early.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
