I had a breakthrough realization yesterday, just after making that last post. What I need from her is not higher frequency of sex. It's not even more foreplay (although that is important too). It is to know that she is thinking about it in between times, and that she desires me. I need to be teased, and have the anticipation of a sexual encounter to come. (This also requires her to plan an encounter and take the initiative - something she never does).
When I realized that this was my need, it was like a dark cloud was lifted from me. I realized that this is a concrete, finite, doable thing that we (mainly she) can work on.
As I mentioned, she finds these things very difficult to express. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times she's expressed her sexuality verbally in 12 years of marriage. So, I talked to her last night about it, after the kids were in bed.
It went predictably badly, at first. She got immensely angry, and accused me of putting all kinds of pressure on her, when she is trying to juggle going to school and taking care of the kids. She said she didn't know how to be that way. I acknowledged that is was going to be hard for her, but let her know as gently as I could that this is not negotiable, and that I have a deep need that can only be filled that way and only by her. I said that if she was not willing to step outside of her comfort zone and do this, we would have a problem.
She took this on board, and said that she would try. I even said that I would write down the things I need to hear (since I can articulate them very well) on small pieces of paper, that she could leave for me to find somewhere, so that she doesn't have to come up with the words herself. She didn't like that suggestion, but I will still give her the pieces of paper anyway, as food for thought.
So, hopefully, things will get better. They have to really, because keeping the status quo is not an option here. I hope to have some good news to report back in a few weeks.
After she's got this down, we'll work on spontenaeity, and after that, fetishes. But, one thing at a time.
