I guess you could say we are sexually incompatible. My level of desire is far higher than my wife's. She will do it with me a few times a month, but she has admitted that it seems like a chore for her.
This kills me, as I have a strong interest in it, and a desire to try new things. I think about it a lot during the day, and have fantasies I would like to try. I have a few fetishes also - nothing too extreme, but things I'd like to try. She is not interested in them at all - she doesn't have a fetishistic bone in her body, and few (if any) fantasies).
I do appreciate that she is willing to do it for my sake. That means a lot to me. But, we have never been on the same wavelength sexually. She usually wants to get it over with quickly, whereas I want to draw out the experience and do sensual foreplay (isn't it usually the woman who wants this and the man who wants a quickie?!). I want to try certain positions, but she has a hard time with anything that isn't the missionary position.
In every other way, we have a great relationship. I am 34 and she is 36. We have been married for 12 years, with 2 daughters. She says she is satisfied with the way things are, but I am living a life of quiet sexual desperation. And no, I didn't know about this before marriage, because we are Christians and didn't have sex before marriage.
I try to be romantic and do things to help her around the house (even though I work full time). I try to make her feel special, cherished and loved. But, nothing much has changed on her end. She has even talked to the doctor about it, but the doctor thinks she is pretty normal, and doesn't need extra hormones or anything like that.
The last time we did it, she did open up a bit and do some foreplay activites. This was great. I thought at last we'd found some common ground. But since then (over 2 weeks ago), things seem to have gone back to the way they were before. She just isn't really interested in it.
The thought of spending the next 40 years like this makes me cringe, but the thought of leaving her and the kids is far worse. Is there any hope, or do I have to live a life of quiet desperation?
Hi Andrew, I take it she has had the same sex drive through-out the whole marriage? Or were things different in the beginning? If things were different a while back, can you remember what was happening when they began to change?
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
Yes, she does climax actually. Both beforehand and during LM.
And yes, this has been the same throughout our marriage. For a long time, she was able to blame the fact that our relationship wasn't always great, which is true. It wasn't. I took responsibility for sorting out my issues (baggage I brought into the marriage), and have mostly done so. We even separated for a while, but have since reconciled. The relationship is now better than ever.
We do have lots of physical contact even - hugs, snuggling up on the couch etc. - but it never seems to make the leap from being affectionate to being sexual. It just doesn't seem to click with her how important it is to me, and how desperately I need her to be interested in and anticipating LM.
Quote: Okay, here come the questions! Answer what you will.
What type of baggage?
Deep breath ...
Anger and fear of intimacy. Much therapy has mostly resolved these.
Quote:
Why did you separate?
A situation (not an affair) that was the culmination of a lot of issues that were poisoning our marriage. The time apart did us good - we were able to sort through a lot of things.
Quote:
Who initiated the separation?
She did.
Quote:
How long were you separated?
Nov 05 - July 06. 8 months.
Quote: Did either of you engage in another relationship of any type during the separation?
She did. She dated someone and had a one night stand at one point.
Quote:
How much of your desires have you discussed with your wife?
All of them, even though it's difficult. She sees any of my fetishes and "out-of-the-box" activities as being perverted. I won't go into them here, but if anyone wants to know, PM me.
Quote:
If it has been discussed, how often and what was her response?
It's been discussed many times over the years. For the longest time, her only response was anger and resistance to change.
Recently, I laid it all on the line for her, and let her know in no uncertain terms how unhappy I was with the situation. She then accepted that she had an issue, but still blames the way our relationship was. That excuse is wearing very thin now that most of the issues are resolved.
Quote: It just doesn't seem to click with her how important it is to me, and how desperately I need her to be interested in and anticipating LM.
-Andrew
Andrew, Would you be content if she agreed to having sex more often because YOU need it, or would it be better if she was genuinely interested in increasing frequency?
I asking because I wonder if "I need it and if you loved me, you'd want it more often too" has been your approach to all of this. If I'm way off base, let me know. That's how I understood it, from your post.
If you would prefer that she were interested in increasing frequency, no matter what your needs are, maybe you could try some sort of sexual awakening. The thing is, and this is where MrsNOP's questions come in, if there is a lot of baggage, she may not do this JUST for you. But she may for herself.
I did this in my 20's. It started with just sexy cartoons, semi-erotic books, etc... Reading about it, awakens sensual feelings. You could read together or she might prefer to read alone (this is mostly for herself... not for you, you see? - you just get extra benefits from the whole thing).
What do you think of this suggestion? Have you tried anything like this? And how did it go?
May it be eternal while it lasts.
My sitch
Me: 36
H:34
M: 5 years
Bomb: 03/14/06
As Christian husbands, we're obligated to love our wives as Christ loves the church. It seems to me that while Christian wives ought to be understanding of our sex drives and accommodate us as best they can, we also have an obligation to make them safe and protect them (love "always protects").
That, it seems to me, is a calling to love our wives sacrificially...which means if they find specific desires distasteful, perhaps we have an obligation to sacrifice those things for their happiness and feeling secure in the relationship.
It seems like what we should really want is to do our best for each other. If we're submitting to each other in that way, what could be more satisfying than that?
I'm in a sitch where my W cheated on me and says she has no feelings for me at all, but as a Christian she believes in meeting my sexual needs even though she feels nothing for me right now; likewise, I try to temper my demands out of consideration for her. We clearly do not have an ideal marriage by any stretch of the imagination, but we are working and praying that God will bless our faith in him and in each other and heal our marriage completely.
I'm not judging you, bro. I'm not saying what you might want in the BR is necessarily wrong. But I guess it's kind of like the difference between getting your wife to go to a pro football game with you vs. getting her to go, wear the fright wig, paint her face the team colors, and dress like the mascot.
Maybe for right now you could both agree on weekly frequency and commit to making it the best experience for both of you. After a while, she might be more open to the extras???
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
In answer to the second-last post, there was some verbal abuse in our relationship, but no physical abuse.
Quote: As Christian husbands, we're obligated to love our wives as Christ loves the church. It seems to me that while Christian wives ought to be understanding of our sex drives and accommodate us as best they can ...
Yeah. I've been trying hard to do just that recently - that is, to really love her in special and practical ways, so that she knows how much she is loved.
Quote:
It seems like what we should really want is to do our best for each other. If we're submitting to each other in that way, what could be more satisfying than that?
That plus awesome sex?
Quote:
I guess it's kind of like the difference between getting your wife to go to a pro football game with you vs. getting her to go, wear the fright wig, paint her face the team colors, and dress like the mascot.
Good analogy!
Quote:
Maybe for right now you could both agree on weekly frequency and commit to making it the best experience for both of you. After a while, she might be more open to the extras???
We have pretty much done just that. But, there is still something missing: the feeling that she wants it for its own sake, instead of just to please me (appreciated though that is).
As for the extras, I doubt she will ever be open to them She is pretty prudish and 'proper' about things, whereas I have a much more open view (which she sees as a deviant view).
She is pretty prudish and 'proper' about things, whereas I have a much more open view (which she sees as a deviant view).