Maybe time for a paradigm shift. Quit trying to change/control him and set some hard boundaries for yourself, then see what happens.
Quote: I thought I could deter him by first talking to him about it, second making it more difficult by him having to call and then making it even more difficult by placing a code on pay per views thus leading him to have to actually speak to a person since he doesn't know the code.
Instead, set your own boundary here. What will you tolerate, what will you not? What will YOU do if he violates your boundary?
Do you require honesty or porn abstinence or porn sharing? What is it that YOU need for yourself here? Figure it out. I can certainly understand you not wanting to have sex with H as he is trampling all over some boundary that you have. But, I don't think that boundary is well-articulated in your own mind, let alone well-communicated to H.
So, standard advice -- quit being a victim, set your own boundary and RESPECT your own boundary. If it is violated, take the necessary steps to protect yourself from victimization. You aren't a child, you are an adult who has this wonderful ability to avoid being a victim in almost all situations.
Quote: ...maybe I'm just a typical wife who sees things through muddy glasses.
Um, NO. Good M's are NOT like your M, but are filled with loving and caring thoughts, actions, and words, with a sincere desire to share in each other's lives, with a wanting to *know* and *see* each other as a wonderful person and partner.
I guess perhaps you are situationally depressed to a degree that it is coloring your thoughts about everything. If so, a trial of antidepressants could be helpful. But, you've never really struck me as depressed. So, I'm inclined to think that when you feel you aren't getting any emotional intimacy it is because you aren't.
Your H's behavior isn't healthy for him. It reeks of an out of control coping mechanism for someone who is in deep pain. You are both very unhappy. You have both tried in ways that aren't working. It is time for change, one way or another.
