Sara, thanks for checking in on me. I've been busy, but mostly I needed to stay away from here for a bit. I was getting in the way of my own damned self by over-analyzing every little thing and relying on others too much.
The past few weeks have been interesting. My efforts have been a weird combination of DB and not-so-very advisable DB practices. LOL I've probably gone against everyone's advice and allowed him to lead the way when it came to our R. I'm not sure where it's headed, but things were good. At least until this past weekend when I attended a wedding. with him, however he was working. I am a stupid drunk and I'll leave it at that. After a blazing argument, him telling me it was truly over between us, he ended up back here again. So things right now seemed to have backslid in some ways; but I am doing everything in my power to change the way we interact. It's been very beneficial. I think had I not known Dbing this weekend, I really would have destroyed my hard work.
He has told me that he told OW that he made a mistake by asking me to move out; and told me he's ashamed of the things he's done.
I'm taking things tentatively and slowly; and I don't want to jinx anything, but wanted to give a little update. My efforts now are focusing on necessary changes in the way we interact; to try and get some more intimacy back between us. That is my hardest stumbling block - the area where I lack any inventiveness. But I'm trying. And I'm not giving up!
Well, it's been quite awhile since I've been on here, so I thought I'd give a quick (Hah!) update. Jeez, time sure does fly when you're having fun????
Ya'all last saw me moving into my own place. Well, big surprise, SO didn't keep up his end of the bargain, in re: he bounced the security deposit check and we were about to be evicted. So, long story short, I've had no choice but to move back into his place. Been here about 2 weeks or so. Oh yeah - I made HIM do all the actual moving.
I did insist on my own bedroom. In the meantime, I believe OW has really had it with me moving back in, lol, and has nothing to do with him anymore. Mostly these days I just stay away from him. I've had a really hard time accepting having to come back here under these conditions. (Meaning financial vs. ILY NM and can't be without you, lmao!) He's still "pursuing" me; wants me to move into the bedroom wth him; have sex; etc. I refuse. I'm trying to deal with things on my own; and right now, I need to be apart from him as much as I can.
What was weird, is before I moved back in, things were going very well. Things were different. We were getting to know each other again; he spent lots of time with me at his request; we went out a couple of times; he spent most nights at my place. It was easygoing and free. Now, moving back here has changed it all again. And, I somehow feel as though it is ultimately going to cause more harm than good. We shall see, I guess.
So that's where I am. One step forward, 30 steps back. I am (finally!!) being a lot more open and straightforward about what it is I want from him. I know DB sometimes says to wait for that, but I've waited far too long. December 28th will be the 10th anniversary of our 1st date. 10 years has been way too long to wait. I know what I want; or maybe more accurately, I know what I DON'T want; and, if he is unable to meet those wants, then ta-ta and good day. I know he is still going through whatever it is he is going through (one of the nights we went out, he completely lost it, including a midnight trip to his grandparents graves - I truly thought he was going to commit suicide that night, it was very scary)....but I can't help him. He has to help himself. I can only make myself happy. Which I am slowly doing. His midlife crisis, or whatever it is he is having - it's still there. However, once again, me being gone helped him realize that "I" am not the entire problem. What he does with that knowledge, well, that's up to him. The only thing that keeps tripping me up is that I believe that if he truly wanted me out of his life, I would be. If he truly wanted to be with OW, he would be. He's the type of person who does what he wants, regardless of what others think or feel sometimes. So, knowing that trips me up every time.
While on my own, I remembered that I can be by myself. I mean, I always "knew" that; but being with the kids on my own, I really learned what I already knew. I think he saw that, too. Now he finally realizes that I will be fine on my own. And I think it scared him, knowing I don't really "need" him. (Well, besides the $$$$ issue!!)
So, that's my update. LOL Shorter than I thought it was going to be. LOL Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and holiday season despite (in spite???) of these uncertain times of our lives.
Brief update.....SO has come to me within the last week or so saying that he is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.
Great. Just frickin great. Well, YOU all knew he was crazy, right? LOL. Seriously though, now I'm so lost. I've done a little bit of research; read some of the papers he showed me. It does seem that he meets the criteria, 8 of the 10 main ones that I can see. He says he matches 9 of them.
My thing, my doubts - where is he getting this from? He claims to have started seeing a therapist. I pointed out to him (and I have no idea if this was the right thing to do or not) but I told him not to lie about having a mental disorder and not to lie to me about whether he was seeing a therapist because I could easily verify it by looking at his insurance claims. (I have access to it due to the kids being on his insurance policy.) And, furthermore, that if he was lying about having a mental disorder for the sole purpose of a justifiable alibi for his crappy behavior and as a means to continue juggling two women, then he REALLY did have a mental issue. He never answered, BTW.
So, here I am. In some ways I'm relieved (for lack of a better word) that this coming to light. Meaning, there could finally be a definition to what the hell is going on. But, there's that nasty little devil sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear "Is this just another game he's playing?" And that makes me feel like crap - that I would actually doubt that he could have a mental condition. I'm tapped out. And that makes me feel bad. Again - what I mean is, if this information had come to light 2 years ago - perhaps I'd be better equipped to deal with it. Right now, after everything we've been through, I'm tired. I don't know where I'm going to get anymore strength from - Santa didn't leave me any in my stocking! Guess I'll find it somewhere.
Factor in financial problems; OW issue (who, BTW just happens to have graduated this past spring with a frigging psychology degree!); kids, his contract expired at work - everything just keeps adding up, I don't know how much more any of us can take. Oh, back to OW issue - SO claims that she knows nothing about this; as well as not knowing anything about the extent of "our" involvement and his confusion regarding the two of us. Again - I have no idea whether to believe him or not. And, I have more thoughts about how OW ties into this (or if it even matters)... I just don't have the time right this minute to get my thoughts onto paper.
Jeez...now he's called, he's just left the doctors office from having his arm checked out. he's had uncontrollable shaking for the last three weeks (this is acutally something not new either, been ongoing for years, he thinks it's the onset of Parkinsons) however, his arm has been hurting and shaking to the point he had it looked at today....they're sending him for an ultrasound this afternoon and his blood pressure is high. 140 over something...I forget. Just more fuel to the fire, I guess.
Anyway, so this is where I'm at. I hope that he truly is getting help. No, I have not looked at his insurance. I'm almost afraid of what I'll find. Or rather - that I'll find he's not telling the truth about therapy. I know I can't force him to get it, he has to do it on his own. If he's serious about getting help and dealing with things, then I guess that even talking to me about this stuff is a big step in the right direction.
In the meantime, I will find out all that I can about BPD...(and, from some of the stuff I've found, he also sounds like he could suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder too - great). I found a book that's geared towards the famiilies/loved one's of BPD sufferers and I'll pick it up this afternoon. Maybe it can give me some insight on how to deal/live with him. From what I've read so far, detachment makes things easier (and as any of my followers know - I really kind of suck at that!). As well as setting boundaries. I need to learn about how I should interact with him. So, Ellie or anyone else, if you have any good referrals for books / websites / info - I'd appreciate it! And, yes, I've tossed around the thought of getting therapy for myself, or if he is seeing someone, maybe seeing his therapist...but that will have to come later, I think. One step at a time.
But, besides all that, my year is actually starting out pretty good! Oooh - hoo - maybe I am learning the secrets to detachment after all !!!
My first thought - this "diagnosis" came from OW once she got pissed off about you moving back in!!!
I rather doubt the diagnosis of BPD in this case. The danger, you see, is that WASs almost all can look like they have BPD or NPD when they are in their crisis - but if they weren't that way before all this, they won't be that way after, either. Personality disorders are constant, lifelong things, so if someone truly has one, you should be able to look back 10 or 20 years and see that their behavior THEN fit the pattern too.
I have no doubt that most WASs ARE suffering from mental illness - but a temporary form, consisting of depression, addiction to the dopamine "high" of the affair, and a curious loss of empathy that goes along with that.
I'm not saying that some WASs don't have NPD or BPD - just that it's really a small proportion, and it's too easy to think they all have it.
My experience with true BPD patients in a medical setting is such that I doubt most spouses of someone with BPD would actually fight to get them back! They are incredibly difficult and annoying to work with. The typical scenario in a doctor's office is that they engage in "splitting". When they first see you, you are the best doctor they ever saw, their savior, so fabulous. Then, before you know it, you are the devil, a horrible person, the cause of all their problems. Borderline sounds like it would be a mild illness, but it's actually quite serious and difficult to treat.
I think your guy is just depressed, selfish, self-absorbed, and commitment-phobic. Only you know whether those are new, temporary traits, or long-term issues. Seems to me that the best thing you could do is encourage him to get appropriate care for his depression, and take good care of his health generally, so he can work and provide child support for your kids. Meanwhile, focus on getting yourself an income that can support you and the kids so you aren't subject to his whims.
BTW - why not ask to attend a therapy session with him, so you can "learn" about this diagnosis?
Are there clues in his distant past that would be consistent with BPD? Multiple episodes of "bestest" friends who then became bitter enemies?
OH - and NPD seems unlikely, because I can't imagine someone with NPD admitting to having a serious mental illness like BPD! Ellie
I'd have to agree with kml - this is not something that miraculously appears. Sounds like he is trying to find an excuse more than just accepting responsibility.
I have some experience in that department in that I am going through my H having a second A (bomb Dec 13/06) after 4 years of trying to recover from the first one. After the first A, he went on AD but, like kml said, we both looked back and could see the patterns in his life before it all blew up.
If this truly is a disorder that he has, that still does not give him the go-ahead to have an A does it? He still has to take responsibility for his actions. Going outside the M is NEVER the answer to problems within it.
On top of my H having depression problems, he also found out (when he was 55 years old) that he had been adopted, then he lost his job, we moved twice within a short period of time, his business partner stabbed him in the back, I was going to school and working full-time, it goes on and on and I could find a million "excuses" for his behaviour. But that's all they are - excuses. The bottom line is he didn't have the right to go outside our marriage to "fix" himself, which made matters worse, not better.
Your H is going through major guilt right now and he is trying to justify his actions rather than face his faults.
I have found counselling to be our greatest saviour in all of this mess. We usually go once a week (which we can ill afford but at the same time, can we afford not to?). We haven't gone for two weeks because of the holiday season and I can really notice the strain on both of us.
Hang in there and perhaps, like kml said, go to one of the sessions together. You should be doing this to find out if he really does have a disorder.
Take care
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Can I just come hit your SO with a frying pan and we'll all be done with it?
Hi NM, thanks for posting to us. So many of my peeps from last year I don't see as much and was missing you! Still keep us posted please, as you are able.
All the best to you, friend!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Ellie, short answer - YES, most of these traits have been there since I met him. Hindsight being 20/20 and all. Actually, throughout the years, there have been many red flags. I'm not sure why I didn't question them further.
Heywyre, nice to meet you. Well, considering the circumstances and all. Thanks for your input.
BI, sounds like you need a break from your world - why don't you take a drive up here with that frying pan?
I've started a blog like you, BI, and will probably link it from here for those who want to read it - I'd rather not bore those here with all my crap. LOL I'm not very good at this web page stuff, so it's taking a lot of time I really don't have, but it is something I have been wanting to do. So, once it's ready, I'll post it.
SO is back in the hospital. He came home from work yesterday and told me that there was an alarming amount of blood in his stool all morning. Enough that scared him - which had to be a lot because he would never even sya anything unless it was bad. He called his GI doctor, they had him come to the office, then admitted him. Last thing I heard from him was that they were sending him for CAT scan and EKG's; high blood pressure...I don't know. I haven't heard from him since about 8 last night.
