Well, it's been quite awhile since I've been on here, so I thought I'd give a quick (Hah!) update. Jeez, time sure does fly when you're having fun????
Ya'all last saw me moving into my own place. Well, big surprise, SO didn't keep up his end of the bargain, in re: he bounced the security deposit check and we were about to be evicted. So, long story short, I've had no choice but to move back into his place. Been here about 2 weeks or so. Oh yeah - I made HIM do all the actual moving.
I did insist on my own bedroom. In the meantime, I believe OW has really had it with me moving back in, lol, and has nothing to do with him anymore. Mostly these days I just stay away from him. I've had a really hard time accepting having to come back here under these conditions. (Meaning financial vs. ILY NM and can't be without you, lmao!) He's still "pursuing" me; wants me to move into the bedroom wth him; have sex; etc. I refuse. I'm trying to deal with things on my own; and right now, I need to be apart from him as much as I can.
What was weird, is before I moved back in, things were going very well. Things were different. We were getting to know each other again; he spent lots of time with me at his request; we went out a couple of times; he spent most nights at my place. It was easygoing and free. Now, moving back here has changed it all again. And, I somehow feel as though it is ultimately going to cause more harm than good. We shall see, I guess.
So that's where I am. One step forward, 30 steps back. I am (finally!!) being a lot more open and straightforward about what it is I want from him. I know DB sometimes says to wait for that, but I've waited far too long. December 28th will be the 10th anniversary of our 1st date. 10 years has been way too long to wait. I know what I want; or maybe more accurately, I know what I DON'T want; and, if he is unable to meet those wants, then ta-ta and good day. I know he is still going through whatever it is he is going through (one of the nights we went out, he completely lost it, including a midnight trip to his grandparents graves - I truly thought he was going to commit suicide that night, it was very scary)....but I can't help him. He has to help himself. I can only make myself happy. Which I am slowly doing. His midlife crisis, or whatever it is he is having - it's still there. However, once again, me being gone helped him realize that "I" am not the entire problem. What he does with that knowledge, well, that's up to him. The only thing that keeps tripping me up is that I believe that if he truly wanted me out of his life, I would be. If he truly wanted to be with OW, he would be. He's the type of person who does what he wants, regardless of what others think or feel sometimes. So, knowing that trips me up every time.
While on my own, I remembered that I can be by myself. I mean, I always "knew" that; but being with the kids on my own, I really learned what I already knew. I think he saw that, too. Now he finally realizes that I will be fine on my own. And I think it scared him, knowing I don't really "need" him. (Well, besides the $$$$ issue!!)
So, that's my update. LOL Shorter than I thought it was going to be. LOL Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and holiday season despite (in spite???) of these uncertain times of our lives.
