I'm prone to err on the side of caution. I feel like this is a very sensitive time and if handled improperly, could detrimentally effect things.
So, what do you all think I should do? I mean, it's not like "I" have been the one contacting him. He's been the one initiating all contact with me for the last few days.
Besides that - all I can think is that since I'm gone, he COULD have OW around now - and yet HE is choosing to spend the time with me. That has been my prevailing thought. I'm not entirely sure that pushing him away at this time would be best. However - ya'all know I've been wrong before, so maybe my way of thinking is incorrect and ideas and suggestions are of course always needed!!!
I want to add that I know the time is here for us to get to the root of our problems. And, NO, I wouldn't go jumping back into anything.
He asked me to move out. THAT was his choice. And now that I'm out, it won't be so easy to get me back. And I think whatever happens needs be done carefully. Work on getting things between us repaired. As well as make it a new R. Bring new things in.
I'm just at a loss right now as to how to do that and what to do. re: cut him off vs. remain connected (for now).
Maybe that explains why I haven't said anything to him as of yet. I'm just gliding along. I mean for pete's sake - I only moved out 5 days ago!! Tis situation is still NEW to everyone.
I've never really dealt with this, but it seems like going completely dark is really only for situations where the WAS is showing NO INTEREST at all.
Seems like one possibility if he's initiating contact is to accept some and "be busy" on some others. Maybe try to keep the together times short and extremely successful. Maybe show him how great things could be. But make him initiate all the contact now, and don't be available for all of it?
I'm thinking out loud here, but maybe the message you want to send (nonverbally) is "I DO want this to work and things can be great, but I've also got to get on with my "new" life in case that doesn't work out, and while that's not what I want, I'm prepared to accept it and be successful at it."
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I believe your SO loves you. I believe SO is extremely messed up.
If you go completely dark, he may sink low enough to break. If he breaks he can be rebuilt.
If he's allowed to get enough emotional sustenace to keep hanging he will. He'll continue to glide. and I mean for the rest of his life! If this ow is not good enough, he'll get another one.
Noone reaches bottom willingly. He's like an alcoholic, you have to let him reach rock bottom, it's the only way.
I don't know if you've read Love must be Tough yet or not.
In normal situations, I'm with Toughlover, BUT NM, I've been with you for months now and your sitch is not normal and your SO is fcuked up beyond BELIEF.
I'm with whitelight on this, and I'm sorry, b/c I'm sure it's hard. But if not this OW, another. If not one thing, another. The cycle of his insanity and instability is easy to see from a distance. Just patching up his ego and patting his head when he initiates, and being glad he's choosing you and not OW to spend his time with is NOT GETTING TO HIS ROOT PROBLEMS. They are still there whether he asks you back tomorrow, next month, next year. He is UNSTABLE, and takes it out on YOU. Don't pass that legacy on to your girls. Don't let it be okay for them to find a man just like Daddy to treat them how he treats you. You are his personal yoyo to play with, toss it aside, slam it in the dirt even, then yank it back up when he feels like it. There is no rhyme or reason to this man and you are letting him know it's OKAY with you to treat you so poorly b/c if he's just nice again, you'll be right there. WTF?
How's that for a 2x4 upside the head? I care about you NM, but I think you're making a mistake by there being no REAL LIFE CONSEQUENCES for his actions and him having you and your kids move out. HE THREW YOU OUT. Hello?! He needs to get on with his own life and figure it out first. Don't condone his behavior by spending time with him. Go dark. You have plenty of people you can exchange kids in neutral locations. You drop them off at sister's at 3:30. He picks them up at 4:00. You know? Make a REAL CHANGE here. No contact. He is mental, sister. Let him hit bottom and, as whitelight said, finally be able to rebuild.
This limbo with each other will get neither of you where you want to be.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hope your doing okay. I would love for you to join a support group or just a club to get some help. You are so strong and do so well, but I worry about you, too. Want to make sure you are being taken care of. You deserve the best!
Quote: would love for you to join a support group or just a club to get some help
OK, so there's support groups for middle aged, unwed single mothers who make stupid mistakes with men they've been involved with for 10 years? LOL
Eeks. I have become the epitome of everything I always warned my female friends NOT to become!!
Seriously, I'm doing all right. With the words of you all echoing in my head, I've been pulling back from SO. I have plans tomorrow night with friends. I'd be looking forward to it more if my friend wasn't having a male friend of hers there that she's told about me. GGRRRR. I point blank told her this was NOT to be a date in any way, shape, or form. I just want a night out away from the kids without any extra crap.
Anyway, back to SO. I just think he won't "get" it unless I specifically tell him. That's just the way he is. And that's not a conversation I'm able to figure out. I don't know what to say. Besides point blank telling him to leave me alone unless he's serious about something with me. I don't know. Shrug.
Quote: I don't know what to say. Besides point blank telling him to leave me alone unless he's serious about something with me.
Sounds good.
How about: "SO, I will no longer be more into an R than the other person. And, I am not interested in a casual or nonmonogomous R with you. So, leave me alone unless you are serious about something with me."
BTW, don't forget the easy test -- did you feel good after he stayed over the first night? My guess is NOT. NOT = bad idea.
I just wanted you to treat yourself to something good. Is there something you've always wanted to do or eat or try or have? I just think you deserve it that's all.
I'm glad that you're okay. And so strong. It's absolutely amazing to me.
I care about you NM, but I think you're making a mistake by there being no REAL LIFE CONSEQUENCES for his actions and him having you and your kids move out. HE THREW YOU OUT. Hello?! He needs to get on with his own life and figure it out first. Don't condone his behavior by spending time with him. Go dark. You have plenty of people you can exchange kids in neutral locations. You drop them off at sister's at 3:30. He picks them up at 4:00. You know? Make a REAL CHANGE here. No contact. He is mental, sister. Let him hit bottom and, as whitelight said, finally be able to rebuild. 
