In My Cupboard, Lucky Charms & Fruit Loops

[kml]

But then you have him constantly saying "This isn't what I want.

Then you say "I'm sorry, S.O., but this IS what you chose, so it must be what you want?"

He SO CLEARLY wants to stop this train but can't quite bring himself to ax the oW - she's hoisting herself by her own petard though, just sit up on your pedestal and watch it happen.

Ellie

[NotMarried]

I am in such a crappy, depressed mood today. Was supposed to go to the courthouse to file custody paperwork - my friend got called into work and had to cancel. yes, I KNOW you're gonna tell me to get off my keister and GO (OT, Ellie, ) I just can't make myself do it.

I know I should. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time. Could not fall asleep, even with sleeping pills. Finally fell asleep on the couch around 2, only to have SO come wake me up at 2:15 asking why I was on the couch and to come to bed (as well as step on my glasses and break them. Damn, I can't see anything without contacts/glasses). I said OK (with no intention of doing so), rolled over and laid there again until about 3. He woke me up when he was leaving for work (yeah, with questions again why I wasn't in the bedroom) and I went in around 4:30. Tossed, turned, 6 AM came way too soon.

I have a major headache. Tylenol is not taking it away. I've taken 4 already this AM. (500 mgs each). I have no motivation. To do anything. I don't want to be here today. I don't feel like seeing SO. I don't feel like answering questions; I don't feel like having anything to do with him. As a matter of fact he just called and I didn't bother picking up.

It probably sounds like I'm whining or something. I don't know what it is. I feel this runaway train is so far out of control. The only one who can stop it, SO, doesn't know where the brake is. He just keeps shoveling coal into the tender. Faster, faster, faster. I feel like I'm a robot going through motions I'm powerless to stop. Please don't say it, OT. I *know* I'm not powerless. I'm just having a "woe is me" day. Perhaps it's PMS. Yeah, yeah - that's it. Good excuse, NM.

I'm probably depressed. It sucks. To know that on top of everything else. Packing things up - well, it also uncovers so much. Forgotten pictures of happier times. Stubs from places we went on vacation; cards, things I really don't want to see right now. I don't want to be reminded of happier times. It makes this all so much harder.

We're supposed to be having D7's party on the 30th. I haven't done one thing for it yet. Haven't ordered a cake; gotten decorations; haven't even thought about gifts, food, nothing. I have no motivation. It's not something I'm looking forward to. All it does is remind me of the parties we used to have. Also reminds me that OW attended one of these parties 3 years ago when she was dating one of SO's friends (yes, she was brought in to our circle of friends/acquaintances by that guy she was dating). Makes me want to throw up. And, he of course, leaves it all up to me. Just tell him when and where. That's all he wants to know. Can't be bothered with anything else. I almost wish he wasn't even going to be there. But I know he needs to be there for D7, otherwise I probably wouldn't even give him those details.

And another weird thing - I was under the impression that we were supposed to meet with the landlord tomorrow. I haven't heard one word about it from SO as of yet. Nothing. No times, where we're meeting, etc. I find that strange. Maybe he'll tell me later. I don't know.

Sorry about the whining.

[PArob]

NM,

Don't apologize for your mood to us, considering what you are faced with, you are going to have days like this. Its all so very hard and you've being doing fantastic all along. Right now, SO is just not in a place where he can productively put back into the relationship, but there are signs that maybe he's poking his head out. The bottom line is, it seems to me, that he won't do that until rock bottom hits and I believe you moving forward with all this will be rock bottom.

I understandt that motivation is lacking right now, so maybe try to re-focus on something not related to this mess (yeah, Rob, like what...?) maybe your D's birthday party or something to get your mind on to something else. You're such a strong woman full of amazing personality...you can't lose.

I wish I had more to say but at the very least I wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and wanted to offer whatever little support I could.

Sending sunshine your way.....

Rob

[RBinBR]

NM, moving was a really hard thing for me too -- I understand. That said, I'm really excited for you. This is really for your best and your SO's. He's so confused, and your being away and completely ignoring him is exactly what is needed to make him see the light.

[whitelight]

NM,

It is extremely important. Extremely. That when you moe out you do not allow him to slowly ween himself off of you. You need to cut the cords like a knife. Completely dark. No answering phones. No sleepovers. Drop off the kids on neutral territory, don't stay to chat, don't care if he cries.
This is his chance to hit rock bottom and it's not just the R that is at stake but his entire inner core being, ehich is insane, fractured and a mess. You need to let him break. completely. This is the only way he can be rebuilt.

[NotMarried]

The lease was signed last night.

SO has been the same. Up one minute; down the next. Yelling about this; then crying about that. I've been trying to stay away from him. He keeps wanting to talk - well, rather, he keeps wanting to question me, I should say. He doesn't really do any talking, rather keeps asking me how I feel about the move; do I want to move, etc, etc. I've been doing my best to either turn it around to get him to talk or just not talk at all.

I don't know if that's right or not, but I don't want to talk; don't want to have any interactions at all. I just don't want to deal with him right now. Nothing. I don't want to hear him say he's hurting and this isn't how he wanted things to turn out. I don't want him touching me or looking sad, moping around.

This is what he wants. He chose this. Now I want to deal with it in my own way. I don't know if my way is right or wrong, but I have to do what I have to do. Going dark, avoiding him, seems to be my way right now. It's not like anything we say to each other will make a difference at this point. So why talk about it? To me, talking about things just makes it worse right now.

I think he's looking for justification that he's doing the "right" thing. I'm just trying to stay neutral. He makes it so hard sometimes.

Now it's to the final countdown, 10 days and I'll be out. I never imagined things would end like this.

[PArob]

((((NM))))

While I don't have the words to say to make things better, or any advice (seems like I'm always short in these two areas), I can understand your pain and frustration. It really is very sad, but at the same time, you know this is the only way for you at this time.

At some point, I believe your SO will come to his senses and realize what he has done. The only hope at that point is that he become serious enough about his own issues to try and work through them before seeking to rectify things with you. I applaud you for your strength through all this.

Please keep us up to date and let us know how you're doing in the coming weeks.

Rob

[whitelight]

NM,

I think you are handling things really well with your stance on answering his questions etc.

By the way...this isn't the end, this is the beginning!!!

[NotMarried]

Thanks guys.

This IS very hard. There's only so much I can do, packing wise. And most of it is done. Now, the waiting is the hardest part.....

SO is all over the place emotionally. Yesterday, I wake up to him holding my hand. Last night, texts saying he can't wait to get home. Today, arm around me; holding on for dear life. One minute he's yelling at me; the next crying his eyes out.

Then, when he talks, he says this is his last resort (I swear I've never said those words aloud!). This is the only thing we haven't tried. Maybe we need to end in order to start over. Oh, and at the same time, OW has nothing to do with this. Then he flip flops again.... his story changes and it's that "we" were never a real family; (my only comment to that was "Tell our kids we weren't a real family"); at the same time he'll deny deep feelings for OW - yet they both admit to her point of contention being she wasn't involved with his family and I still lived with him and "they" couldn't have a real R.

I know, there is no way to make sense of any of what he says or is going through. I know that. And I know I shouldn't try to make sense of it. But that's pretty hard with the analytical mind I seem to have.

Harder yet, is him constantly asking me how I feel; what I'm thinking, constant talks about our R; etc, etc. I try to avoid it, I'm afraid that if I say how I really feel, it will be viewed as adversarial. It's not that I'm afraid of disagreeing with him, but yet at the same time, this is not the time to point out our different point of views on the subject of "us" and how it went wrong or how I feel it could be.

Rob - I too am pretty short in the advice area. Seeing how I didn't do so well in my own plight, I'm always hesitant to offer what could be bad advice to anyone else.

WL, yeah, a new beginning. I'm sure once I'm out of here, I'll be better. Not so morose. Take a breather from everything and regroup. I've already got some plans scheduled with friends... Oct 14th, friends birthday (supposedly she's got a friend she wants me to meet, don't know what to do about that), 21st will be D1's 2nd birthday; Oct 28th - well, that's up in the air. I was supposed to go to SO's cousin's wedding...I haven't mentioned anything about it - I'll wait to see if he asks me to go or not. If not, I won't go. I'm not forcing myself into a social situation with him - even though they expect me to be there.

Then, in November, OHMYGOD - my 20th high school reunion. Yikes!! But damn, I look better now than I did back then. Eat my shorts you stuck up snobs who are now fat & icky!!!!! Ahhhh....Reunion....the revenge! LMAO Yes, I'm soooooo looking forward to this!!!

So, for right now....one day at a time. Tomorrow I meet with the landlord for the walk-thru. You guys will love this - the bedroom "I" am taking - who-hoo - it's red!!! Well, one red wall anyway. LMAO, my plans include a dash of leopard print here and there!! Yes, yes, MY den of inequity!

There's also an indoor grill. Pretty cool. Steaks grilled indoors... the couple who's wedding I'm in are bringing some the Saturday night I move in! God, I hope we don't burn the place up!!

I disgust myself that I can excited about this.

[PArob]

Eat my shorts you stuck up snobs who are now fat & icky!!!!!

Okay, I actually laughed out f*cking loud and nearly snorted Twizzlers through my nose at this! LOL, you go girl!

See, this latest post is why, in my humble opinion, you rock. Despite the crappy stuff that's going on in your sitch, you still project an extremely positive attitude and see it for what it is.

As for the "den of inequity"....sounds like a great place to start that new beginning.....do you have any strobe lights and a remote control fold out bed??

LMAO, my plans include a dash of leopard print here and there!! Yes, yes, MY den of inequity!

There's also an indoor grill. Pretty cool. Steaks grilled indoors... the couple who's wedding I'm in are bringing some the Saturday night I move in! God, I hope we don't burn the place up!!

Hey, its a party at NM's new place!!!!!