I am in such a crappy, depressed mood today. Was supposed to go to the courthouse to file custody paperwork - my friend got called into work and had to cancel. yes, I KNOW you're gonna tell me to get off my keister and GO (OT, Ellie, ) I just can't make myself do it.

I know I should. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had in a long time. Could not fall asleep, even with sleeping pills. Finally fell asleep on the couch around 2, only to have SO come wake me up at 2:15 asking why I was on the couch and to come to bed (as well as step on my glasses and break them. Damn, I can't see anything without contacts/glasses). I said OK (with no intention of doing so), rolled over and laid there again until about 3. He woke me up when he was leaving for work (yeah, with questions again why I wasn't in the bedroom) and I went in around 4:30. Tossed, turned, 6 AM came way too soon.

I have a major headache. Tylenol is not taking it away. I've taken 4 already this AM. (500 mgs each). I have no motivation. To do anything. I don't want to be here today. I don't feel like seeing SO. I don't feel like answering questions; I don't feel like having anything to do with him. As a matter of fact he just called and I didn't bother picking up.

It probably sounds like I'm whining or something. I don't know what it is. I feel this runaway train is so far out of control. The only one who can stop it, SO, doesn't know where the brake is. He just keeps shoveling coal into the tender. Faster, faster, faster. I feel like I'm a robot going through motions I'm powerless to stop. Please don't say it, OT. I *know* I'm not powerless. I'm just having a "woe is me" day. Perhaps it's PMS. Yeah, yeah - that's it. Good excuse, NM.

I'm probably depressed. It sucks. To know that on top of everything else. Packing things up - well, it also uncovers so much. Forgotten pictures of happier times. Stubs from places we went on vacation; cards, things I really don't want to see right now. I don't want to be reminded of happier times. It makes this all so much harder.

We're supposed to be having D7's party on the 30th. I haven't done one thing for it yet. Haven't ordered a cake; gotten decorations; haven't even thought about gifts, food, nothing. I have no motivation. It's not something I'm looking forward to. All it does is remind me of the parties we used to have. Also reminds me that OW attended one of these parties 3 years ago when she was dating one of SO's friends (yes, she was brought in to our circle of friends/acquaintances by that guy she was dating). Makes me want to throw up. And, he of course, leaves it all up to me. Just tell him when and where. That's all he wants to know. Can't be bothered with anything else. I almost wish he wasn't even going to be there. But I know he needs to be there for D7, otherwise I probably wouldn't even give him those details.

And another weird thing - I was under the impression that we were supposed to meet with the landlord tomorrow. I haven't heard one word about it from SO as of yet. Nothing. No times, where we're meeting, etc. I find that strange. Maybe he'll tell me later. I don't know.

Sorry about the whining.