Ya know, I haven't said much lately because I don't know WHAT to say. My mind is a whirlwind and I haven't been able to organize my thoughts.
There's half of me that's so utterly devastated by the fact that I'm moving out. The part of me that feels like a failure. The part of me that says SO chose some 12 years younger college girl over his family. The part of me that says "I" wasn't good enough for him to choose to work on "our" R. The part of me that is cut to the bone every time I find out he's done something with OW that *I* would always ask for us to do - things that may have made a difference. The looks on my kids faces when they hear us talking about "the move".
The part that sees him caving to her ultimatum (Get ME out of the house or she won't see him anymore - yes, they BOTH told me this) . The part of me that hurts so bad when OW calls here and I hear the message. Or, like last night, get woken up in the middle of the night by the ringing of the phone - yeah, it was her. Hung up after I answered, but I checked the ID and it was her.... **Note to self, if that happens again, always answer phone with a sexy "Hey, babe". LMAO
The, there's the other side of me that says: Phew. I'm outta here. Peace of mind; no more inadvertently getting hurt by SO's actions - although I know - I haven't detached successfully enough to get past these things. The part of me that looks forward to moving forward with my life.
Half of my friends/family/fellow board members - well, half say "GET OUT"; he's nuts; blah, blah, blah. The other half says fight to stay in the house.
But, I DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE. Not like that. Not by fighting for what I may or may not be entitled to. To me, that's completely invalidating his feelings. Why would I force myself to be somewhere I'm NOT wanted? That's all I can think of. It would just make things worse.
Yeah - at this point in time, you might ask why should I have any compassion or sympathy for his feelings when I have kids to think of? Because I've learned those things. I've learned how to see different sides of things. I've learned that perhaps by letting him go, I may in fact get him back for the long term. But it still hurts. And I still have to figure out how to convey to him that this is my line in the sand. I do not want him thinking that I'm waiting around for him or anything - like he seems to think. I want to shut the door, but I'll keep it unlocked - I just don't want him to know that. I want him to knock first, not just try the handle and waltz in.
I'm sorry if this isn't too clear. I've got to get this out, maybe it will help me make sense of what's going on in my head. I've got more, but I've got phone calls to make before he gets home.
