Thanks cc, ot and cm (there, managed to abbreviate you all!).
To follow up on my last update...
Yes, she saw the doctor and he told her she needed to see her family doctor ASAP. He also prescribed meds for her. She has yet to make an appointment or get her prescription filled. I asked her about it later the next day and she said she was going to do both but I know my W and if she didn't do it by then, she likely isn't.
I didn't really bring it up for the rest of the day. Like OT said, I am not going to take care of this for her. I will support her any way I can but I am no longer going to bug/nag her about it and if the sitch gets to the point where it's causing too much pain to anyone, I will just have to deal with it at that point. I don't think it will but like I said, I have been WAY too hands on in the past.
Yesterday on her own (she saw a commercial for some kind of anti-depressant med) she said "Oh, that's going to be me isn't it. The stay at home housewife/mom that is addicted to anti-depressants for the rest of her life."
I asked her if that was what was bothering her, the stigma (she has ALWAYS said this bothered her). She said not really and changed the subject. I didn't pry anymore but I know it's one of the big reasons she won't do anything about this stuff. That and the worst of me suspects it's because she'll have to quit the drinking if she goes on the meds and she doesn't want to do that.
She also said "What's the use trading one addiction for another one?" I have pointed out to her in the past that there are a lot of non-addictive drugs out there and to talk to a doctor but she refuses to hear me. Once again, I can't keep being daddy to her in all this.
Quote: -- when your W complains that you abandoned her far too often to take care of the kids herself, you seem to hear that she wanted you to take care of her and "fix" her. I hear that she wanted to continue to have a life outside of being a mother but that you kept her from that by being inconsiderate of her time. That is, she wanted space to be an adult and have friends and other interests, she did not want you to fix her or coddle her.
OT, as always, you come out with something really insightful. I KNEW this but reading it drove it home. It's what I am learning now. She wants be to be considerate of her and her time but not necessarily to "take care of her". I am really getting that message and my response, i.e. actually DOING that has paid off for sure.
Quote: -- I recommend ignoring this point. For some reason I feel compelled to say it, lol, but it probably isn't very useful for anyone. My guess is that you'll get sex pretty close to six months after she was last with OM, which is the period they tell you these days is pretty safe in terms of STDs.
Point taken. We'll see.
Quote: --Don't let your W dump on you, call her on it. For example, she seems to have been whining a bit about how she can't talk to you. (1) She can talk to you and is hurting you both and your R by withholding that kind of intimacy. (2) Whatever "happened" on Sunday which she did not tell you about is the real problem that is causing her distress and is likely a result of her own actions, again it is not your fault.
She claims, and I believe her, that nothing happened on Sunday other than her getting REALLY drunk. She was with me all day and almost literally never out of my sight so if there was some phone call or something, it was extremely short. She said she was just rambling on and anyway, what COULD have happened in the amount of time she would have had? Again, I agree. I though it was BS when she said it.
Quote: --Maybe time for some directness -- "W, I feel scared and insecure when you tell me there are things you can't tell me about. Part of this is because of the A, part of this is because I fear roadblocks to real emotional intimacy between the two of us. I'd really like you to trust me enough to share with me what happened on Sunday."
I have been direct about this before and in terms of "Sunday", see above. She's SEEMED to be much more open in the past month or so, almost totally transparent as they suggest someone trying to reestablish trust after an affair be. It's almost like she's read something because that's how dramatic the change was. She calls all the time when she's out and doesn't seem at all unhappy when I need reassurance about things. It's been kinda nice but of course as the artist formerly known as LBS, I don't 100% trust it yet. Time...time...time.
Quote: --Stop cleaning up your W's life messes caused by her drinking. She needs to clean up after herself.
Yep. Agree.
Quote: --It seems like W is really beginning to make some real shifts in her own life, and shifts that are in a positive direction :-) This is really wonderful news and I expect your R will reap the benefits.
Yes and no. She is taking baby steps and that's better than no steps at all. The problem is that she still thinks she can do everything herself. She is totally convinced that everything can be better, her anxiety, drinking, social issues, marriage, fatigue, car problems, etc, if she just wills it to be so. Mind over matter plays a LARGE part in her philosophy. The really positive thing is that she is now seeming to WANT to change and that is big.
I will keep you all posted when I can. For now, things are even, not too up, not too down. I am most afraid of the status quo these days but I'll even accept that so long as she keeps these little changes up. They WILL add up to something much bigger I think.
