Thanks Rob, and no, I have not heard that in awhile, lol.
I do think progress is being made but last night was another "bad" night, as almost every Sunday night is. I gotta find a way to change the pattern here.
I really tried to change things but I think I did it the wrong way. I noticed that she was having "another" glass of wine and knew it was approaching the point where she would start to turn the corner in terms of her mood. She ALWAYS gets upset/depressed when she drinks a lot and for some reason yet to be told to me, Sunday nights are a time when that usually happens.
I asked her not to have more wine, pointing out to her that it ALWAYS goes badly when she does. She remained calm and assured me she was not going to have much more and that she was in a great mood. I said that she ALWAYS says that and then things go very badly (she gets sick, depressed, etc). After saying this (thought she was going to say I was "daddying" her) I figured she was going to get defensive but she told me she knew how it affected me and that she knew it had to change...and she changed it. Dunno really what that meant but she didn't say she was not going to have her next glass.
After that, it turned out to be a really good convo where among other things, she told me she was feeling great and extremely happy to have found some new friends that are all married and support her in her "bad times". These women all happen to be mothers of kids in my S6's school and soccer team. I like most of them but even the one I don't is ok. I am REALLY glad to see her happy about the prospect of her social life away from the family and told her that.
Like I said, we had a GREAT convo and at the end of it she said "bed time" and I agreed. I went upstairs and she stayed down to have a smoke. I must have fallen asleep because I looked at the clock and it was an hour later and she was not up to bed. For the record, there was no evidence of any phone calls, etc, but she did end up drinking more and by the time she came upstairs she was totally gone. It was not fun but she finally went to sleep. The only thing that really bothered me other than the tired old routine, was that she said she was upset about "what happened today" and that she wishes she could talk to me about it but couldn't. At that point she was literally almost incoherent so I almost don't think it meant anything. That and the fact that she was with me all day long, I don't know what she could have been talking about. I THINK she was just talking about her depression and such. I don't know. I learned a LONG time ago that when she gets like that, I just do a LOT of listening and things go a lot better.
Bottom line is that while I don't think her drinking is the whole problem, or even a large part of it, it's causing some VERY unwanted tension.
It's strange, I KNOW it's getting better, it really is. The drinking, the relationship, everything IS better but as predicted it's now MY impatience and MY unhappiness that is playing a larger role in things.
This morning, things got worse because I guess I was tired, both in terms of actual fatigue (3 hours of sleep does that to you) and in terms of the sitch and I lashed out at her a bit. She was still in bed and I told her I had to leave in 10 minutes for work, that I would take the kids but I had to leave right then. She got all pissy and stomped around like a child. She was as angry as I've ever seen her, even acting out at the kids. S6 actually asked her what she was so mad at. She calmed down at that point but was still an ass to me (as was I to her...wow, one of the only REAL fights I think we've ever had where both of us are just angry at the other) I guess because I had the nerve to hold her accountable for her own actions. She was still pissed as hell at me when I left with the kids. I managed to go back in (ill advised) to confront her. I asked her why she was treating me like crap when I was trying to help her. Well, she didn't answer me, trying instead to pretend to be nice and have me go away. I did, realizing that the reason she was so pissed at my "help" is because it showed her once again that HER choices and HER actions were causing stress on the entire family. On one hand I felt a LITTLE bad because I could have been UNSUPPORTIVE of her actions/behavior and still been more loving to her. It could have been done with a simple hug when she woke up, before all the fireworks started, in effect saying "Love ya hon, really do but...". On the other hand, I don't really regret how I acted because the message was sent that I won't just sit back and watch this anymore, or actually, I WILL sit back and watch but I won't save her anymore from the consequences of her actions, including MY reaction to them.
I don't think I handled it all that badly but to do it over again, I would have been more supportive of HER instead of just being angry at her actions. I just couldn't do it this morning and I don't really think I should have. She made the bed, now she can lay in it.
As of now, after talking to her on the phone, all seems well. She'll probably appologize and try to make light of it all but I think at some point that will stop working. It already has with me to a certain extent and I actually think it is with her too. I just don't know what it will take for her to "hit bottom" enough to do the REAL work of changing this behavior. She knows she needs to and after last night/this morning, she now knows I am not going to be so supportive of her when she does this. We'll see how it goes.
Rob, and all, thank you for your support. I can't stress enough two things. First, you all help me more than you ever know, and second, things ARE going well for me, despite the negative rants I go on from time to time. My PMA is still high and I think there is certainly light at the end of my tunnel.
Thanks again for the support and I will post more when I can.
