Last night, after a good afternoon/evening with the kids/wife, I told W if she came to bed at a reasonable time, I would give her a "proper" back massage. She immediately made a face because earlier when she asked me if I had any plans/work for the evening I said "Not really, just sex, wanna join me?" She rolled her eyes. I didn't really mean to say it but things have gotten comfortable again so...
Back to the "massage". She assumed that was my way to say I was going to START with a massage and then make my move. She was wrong. I didn't really want to do that. I was actually trying to show her that EVERY time I want to do something physical with/to her it doesn't HAVE to be all about sex. I am trying (and have been trying) to introduce some intimacy that is not all about intercourse.
Well, she didn't really come to bed at a reasonable hour, which in the past I would have taken as some kind of rejection, but really, now what am I being rejected for? Sex, something we haven't had in almost a year and I didn't really want anyway, or simply the "honor" of giving her a massage. I decided that it would be her loss (I am pretty good at massages). I also decided NOT to have any attitude. In the past I would have shown my displeasure at her seeming to stall when she seemed to think I wanted sex.
When she came to bed I just sat up and started my massage. 2-3 minutes into it I asked her if she had any lotion left that didn't aggravate her skin (she is sensitive to certain lotions). She smiled and said "You know it's too late for sex." It was kinda ludicrous how it was said, as if after a year I somehow expected something. I simply said "That's fine, I wasn't after that anyway. Do you have any lotion." I had a genuine smile on my face and managed to have a good attitude, something that took some doing because I did have to reisit my old habit of getting upset when things didn't go my way (and by that I only mean assuming that she didn't come right to bed because she didn't want me to do whatever I was going to do). I just finally figured out how self-defeating that behavior is...and I changed it...FINALLY!!!
SO, she smiled at my still wanting to do the massage and told me where the lotion was. I got it and without fanfare gave her a massage. She made LOTS of "happy" noises and said she really liked what I was doing/wanted me to do it more often. I made it a point to NOT (this is for you OT) "accidentally" brush a boob or extend my definition of back to include the, uh, MUCH LOWER back. I also made sure I ended it on my own (didn't wait for her to be asleep or say I "could" stop) and just covered her up with the blanket and went to sleep.
This may all seem strange but to me it's HUGE. It's not that I don't really want sex because of course I do but I want it in the context of REAL intimacy in our R, at ALL times, not just at Midnight on Friday/Saturday. I THINK W is starting to understand I am serious about that. I KNOW there was intimacy between us last night, and an energy that was building because she knew the massage was not just something I was doing to get in her pants, I was doing it out of love for her (her shoulders have been killing her lately...stress). I can honestly say that she has not ever had that feeling in our R. It has ALWAYS been about getting in her pants, something that she has outright said she resented. Well, times are a changin' honey!
I truly believe that the more of this extra-sexular (yea, not a word but) intimacy we have in our R, the more sexual energy will build and when we do finally (don't think it's long off now) ML, there will be a comfort level I don't think we have had in a LONG time.
PM taught me that one thing I have done "wrong" for a LONG time is to not just do what I want to do and see if she follows my lead. So far, she IS following my lead and it's fascinating to me.
I think I mentioned that I have a problem understanding my ability to influence people. I guess when it comes down to it, I don't believe I can so when it happens, either in business or personal relationships, I am surprised. I guess that's also why I always resorted to trying to control a situation rather than just negotiate or influence it. Still learning this lesson every day.
So, things are moving along pretty well and I am trying to be more assertive about these things and it's paying off. I think I just needed to give the sitch time and hopefully it's paying off.
