Quote: Wow, what an issue. I think your wife drinks to numb her feelings. SHe uses alcohol to escape from life.
I agree. She SAYS it's because it helps her sleep/not have nightmares but that's just the latest reason/excuse. The good news is that she's starting to acknowledge out loud that it's a problem, one that she MAY need help to solve. It's a step, and if you believe the old adage, you can't get help without first admitting the problem.
Quote: Most people I know don't drink on a weekly/nightly basis. I think you might be fooling yourself into thinking that is "what most people do". the one's I know who do have a problem with alcohol and hence, other problems as well.
Here's the thing. After hearing a lot about my W's drinking and my reaction to it, my C suggested that I may have a perception problem because I don't, and never have, drink. She said from what I described, my W may or may not have an issue with alcohol. I thought about that, having always assumed that it WAS a problem. I have always known that my opinion is skewed because I don't even know what it's like to drink but this was the first time someone on the outside said this to me.
After that session I thought a LOT about how I handled my W drinking and how my response to it has played a LARGE role in our issues over the years...
and I want to clarify something, when I say drinking, I mean one glass of wine or 4. When I say she drinks many nights of the week, I mean sometimes it's two glasses, sometimes (rare) it's 3, 4 or 5...
SO, I decided to take a little informal poll among my friends and co-workers. I found that the vast majority of them said they had a beer or two many times a week and on the weekends, more. Are they all abnormal? Do they all have a problem? I found one person who said he made it a point to only drink on the weekends and that was because he used to do it too much during the week.
Again, a drink or two with dinner or while watching TV seemed to be the norm with the folks I talked to. Maybe I am just talking to the wrong people.
Quote: I am so sorry you are going thru this on top of the simple WAW thing. It just compounds the problem.
I agree. It does. Thank you.
Quote: I think you wife needs to get out of the house, get a job, and interact daily with other adults. She seems to be missing that. I know I did when I was home all day with small children. I think she is just afraid to admit it, thinking she is a "bad mom" if she admits to needing something more.
To me, this is the key to everything. So much of what happened was because we had/have (working on it) NO social life away from the kids. She lost touch with all her friends and lived much of the last 6 years as a shut-in stay at home mom. Like many other men caught off-guard by this stuff, I thought she liked her life and was fulfilled by her role as mother/wife. It was always her choice to stay home. I know now that she just kept her sadness and frustration inside because, as you said, she felt like she couldn't want/ask for more or else she'd be a bad mom/wife. So sad because I unknowingly contributed to these feelings. I hate that and I am working SO hard to make sure she knows she is "free" to be herself and explore life...just not with another man mind you.
Quote: Hang in there....we are all rooting for you.
