Well, last night was not so good. W was depressed again. I really don't know why. She doesn't really talk much about the specifics. Hell, there may not even be any specific thing she's upset about. I'm starting to think she has a real mental health issue. Once again she said she wanted "help" but would not elaborate on what that would be, and this morning, when I asked her about last night, she just brushed it aside. She said she was fine and gave me a big hug and smile.
Last night she was not sure she could "go on" (although she made it clear she was not talking about suicide), was "pretending to be happy all the time" and was just tired of life. She was not really crying but was clearly very upset. I don't know if she had been drinking a lot. I went to bed an hour before all this started.
All in all, it wasn't too bad but I am getting really frustrated at this cycle of her "depression" followed by "I'm not feeling well" the next day, followed by a week or so of "good" days.
I suppose if it were not so dramatic I would just think this was one more time (or set of times) that I need to learn to listen, validate, comfort and just allow her to move on. Maybe that IS all that is required of me, I don't know. It just seems like she's actually ASKING me to fix her but I don't know how, or more accurately, I know she needs to see a doctor but I can't get her to do it. I know that's the first step but today, like ALL days after a bad night, she's doing her best "Everything is fine, I was just having a bad night. I am really ok, I promise..." routine.
This is nothing really new. She has had these "episodes" for as long as I have known her, it's just the intensity and frequency that has increased lately.
I DO think my handling of this stuff is making a difference. She seems to be opening up to me more.
In the end, referring back to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I guess this may be one of those times when a woman may be dramatizing something, seeming to be saying some pretty "final" things but is actually just venting, wanting to be validated and allowed to get it all out. I hope so because that's how I am treating it. I still think there is some "fixing" to be done but I want her to fix herself. I just don't know if she either knows how or will even if she does.
So, more good than bad days lately. Hope that continues...
