Moving Forward

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Nicola, that was awesome advice. Wish I had said it!

[MonicaP]

HI Stilltryin and Nicola,

You both gave me so much to consider, thank you. I haven't taken the time lately to check the boards as much and really appreciate your continued support.

I agree with both of you in terms of "letting go" and just taking care of me. In a lot of ways I have been doing that pretty well, but I still have my moments with H when I know he is lying and/or I feel protective of my S4. I've been trying to stay focused on the fact that my S4 seems to be doing better lately. He's not hitting or kicking me as much or acting out as much in general. Most of the time his feelings come out in sadness/tears. All of a sudden he'll just get teary-eyed and tell me he's sad. I ask him "what about?" and it's always "I miss my daddy." I do my best to validate his feelings without further feeding into them. He seems to be able to pass through it a little easier now. I can't believe how close we have become. Of course he's my son and we've always been close, but somehow I feel like he understands how deeply I love him through all of this and that he knows he can trust and count on me. That's a great feeling. I never bad-mouth H to S4 and always talk to S4 as if H is the greatest daddy who loves him so much. And he does love him, I know that, but I agree - it's like he's under the influence of a drug and nothing can reach him.

Other than the other day's conversation with H I have actually been detaching a lot. It's almost always H that tries to make conversation with me about some trivial thing and I honestly would rather not talk to him at all for a while - for as long is takes for me to let go of my anger. It's so hard acting like we're just friends, we're not.

S4 and I will spend Christmas Eve with my family and I asked H to take S4 Christmas Day so that S4 could have that time with him. H seemed reluctant. He pointed out that he wasn't going to stay at my place and would bring him to his apt (and likely w/ Ow) and I said "I understand." It hurts thinking my S will be w/ Ow on Christmas Day, but I know S4 needs his daddy.

I will probably file for legal separation as that will give me all of the same legal benefits of D, except neither of us can marry. No problem. I will file for Sep w/ the option of D in 6 mos, otherwise I would have to open a whole new case (which costs $$$). I think I will be able to take care of that after the 1st of the year.

I think that 90% of the time I go on with my life knowing that my M is over and that H is not coming back, or at least likely won't come back for a long time. The other 10% of the time it's memories and thoughts that come to mind all of a sudden and I grieve. I think this is ok, it beats the way I felt in the first 6 months. I never want to go back to that pain.

My job is a lifesaver, it's a great place for me. My S4 loves his preschool and soon I will have to start looking at Kindergarten My bankruptcy should be completed next week and I can start fresh. A friend and her S6 are staying with me for a while, she's going through her own M problems. My grandma gave me some Christmas money so I can actually get some presents and maybe some new clothes for myself!

You know what, I really hope H and Ow break up - even if he doesn't come back to our M, I just don't want her in my S4's life (or mine!). I can't see how a person like her could be good for my child. I hope she suffers guilt enough to wake her up to what she is doing. I hope H wakes up too! I know, it may never happen and they could live happily ever after I pray that whatever happens I will be able to accept the outcome and move on with my life. I'm doing my best.

Thanks again girls - you're awesome!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I'm glad to hear from you. And it's good to see that you are doing your best and are getting thru this. I'm 99% sure that at some point in your H's life, he will look back on this and think he is the stupidest guy in the world. I wish it were now though.

Perhaps this goth thing has become like a cult or something for him.

Hey, just wondering, I'm sure your the only one who asks if H wants to be with s4, and I would love to hear how you approach him with these questions. Maybe there is another way that you can do it?

It is very selfLESS of you to talk to your s4 how great his dad is. That would be so hard to do. Has your H ever heard you saying anything to s4 about him? I ask because the best way to get someone to change is to focus on their strengths. So maybe if H is picking him up, you could mention something about H that he has been doing good at. Not sure if there is anything good he is doing right now, but you could probably find at least 1 little thing?

Of course, you may just want to let all this stuff go. I probably shouldn't even offer suggestions for you at this time, sorry about that. Especially after just agreeing that you need to focus on yourself and your s4.

That is good to hear that you can get a legal S without the D and it still benefits you as one.

I hope they break up too!!! My mother in law told me during my H's A, that a relationship based on lies will never work. I believe that they WILL NOT live happily ever after.

What a blessing grandmothers are! Do go find a great sexy outfit you can impress yourself and others with and a special gift for your little boy.

and don't worry, you will get thru this and have the ability to accept it all and move on. In some ways, part of us doesn't want to move on, I can feel that in myself sometimes, but harboring all the negativity and sadness will destroy us so we must move on. And we can. And we will. And someday you won't have the negativity and sadness be a part of you anymore.

[MonicaP]

Hi Stilltryin...

Happy Holidays!

I tried to respond the other day and after I wrote a long post my computer froze.

Anyway, I appreciate and am always open to suggestions - especially from women who know what I am going through, at least to an extent.

I guess my only way of focusing on H's strengths is by NOT focusing on his weaknesses (for the most part). If I can, I will say thank you for something he has helped with - like putting together S4's new bed the other night.

It's strange, he has been "nice" to me for the past week. He emailed me and wished me a "wonderful time" at my parents house for Christmas, and in another email wished for a "smoothe evening" for me. Weird! It kind of scares me I guess because the nicer he is the more I believe he's making peace with what he's doing/done (and is moving on with the Ow). I quess I still want him to feel guilty and ashamed of his infidelity and irresponsible decisions.

Anyway, I'm anticipating a difficult Christmas emotionally, H will take S4 out Christmas Day and no doubt spend it "playing house" with Ow. It's so hard!

Well, I am super tired...

I hope your holidays are bright.

Take care...

[princess_nic]

Hi Monica!

I just want to wish you and your DS a lovely Christmas and New Year's. I hope that this time of rebirth and renewal will lead to a positive change for YOU (regardless of H) in 2007.

Love, Nicola

[MonicaP]

Thanks Nicola!

Happy New Year to you too!

I have my ups and downs, but for the most part I am able to be positive about my future. I am just starting to imagine that I could someday fall in love again. It's still surreal at times to imagine being with anyone else but my H, but I am trying to envision the possibility.

I had a little "run-in" with my H last week - he suggested that I should be more "open-minded" about his bringing our S4 to Ow's house. OPEN MINDED - Ha! I felt like saying - what planet are you living on? But instead I said (maybe not all that different) "let me get this straight, my H leaves me for Ow and takes our S4 to Ow's to play house, and I should be more open-minded?" Wow! I told him I can't wait to get divorced. I just can't take his insane thinking anymore, I need to completely detach.

I miss him, but I also need to get some normalcy back in my life. I don't want to be with someone who is so detached from reality. I am envisioning the kind of man I would like to be with someday.

Well, better go...

Take care and thanks for checking in.

M
:-)

[Alaska]

Your thread twigged a memory for me. Praying for sex. Man, oh man, that's the big deal for me right now. Check out my thread "Sex with the EX" Long story short- it ain't happening.

Now...........as a divorce board, what advice can we offer each other on sexual relief?

[S.T. _I Made It!]

You hit the nail on the head Monica,

We want them to feel bad and ashamed and horrible for what they have done. But this is a BIG one that we need to let go of. As a christian, we must lean on God because it is He that will convict your H, not us. It is not our part to judge, but to help correct.

Even though my H is back with me, I still have this feeling of needing him to feel bad and guilty from what he did to me.

However, that time will come I promise, and if by some small chance it never does, well he will be judged accordingly by our Maker.

On a better note, it was nice to hear that your H was being nicer to you. Was there anything different you had been doing recently for this to happen do you think?

okay, I need to catch up on the rest of your thread.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Monica,

I really don't know what I would have done either if my H wanted me to be open-minded about his OW being with s4. I think I would have asked. Well, is our country okay with infidelity and that we should be open-minded about it? OR I'm sorry, but I was not brought up to expect that a father/husband would leave his family to start another one while still being married to his first wife was okay to do.

There was a time that I sat my H down and told him similar to the following, but I will write it as if I were in your shoes right now.

H, I want to appologize for my defensiveness when you brought up the request to be openminded. It was just such a startling statment to me, that it caught me offguard. Firstly, I want you to understand that it is not about being openminded, but about values and dignity. I fully believe that what you have done and what you are doing is against God, it is against our vows and it is against everything I stand for. However, I am still your wife. And because I am still your wife, God has called me to be the best wife, mother, woman that I can be. Although this circumstance is extremely difficult, I am trying the best I can. You know that I cannot make your decisions for you, and the choices you have made are distinctly your own. I just hope that in the days to come, you will make the best choices, not just for you, but also for our son. In regards to s4 spending time with OW, I would like to see that on hold until we can be officially seperated, but ultimately, you will be the one making those choices. However, I do appreciate the time that you have given to him lately, and I hope it grows even more. A father is a very needed part of a young boys life and throughout his life. Please continue to be a strong voice in s4 life as he grows up.

I didn't really talk about the kids when I spoke to my H (well, on that conversation that is!), but the rest is very close.

I hope that your H continues to be nicer to you, and spend more time with s4. maybe xmas sparked something for him? Just remember, don't let those feeling of wanting him to greive and be remorseful cave in on you. let him be nice, and accept it as that. You want to be the better person, and you are.

I think that maybe filing the S would be good for you. It will give some type of closure, and although we are pretty sure the OW will be involved with s4, at least the breakup is somewhat legal, but still not the "end", and I think that would make you feel just slightly better.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Hey, I also did the same, trying to think about a "future H". I made a list of all the things I would want in a H. I never did that before. I also had faith that God would provide me with a great H, whether it be my original H or someone new. I almost was a little hopeful and slightly excited, making the list. I don't know if it is good DBing, but I think that it would be good for you. This doesn't mean that you have totally given up hope, because your H can still be these things when he realizes what a fool he has been!

Hang in there though, I hope you got through the Holidays wonderfully
Crissy