Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

HI Stilltryin and Nicola,

You both gave me so much to consider, thank you. I haven't taken the time lately to check the boards as much and really appreciate your continued support.

I agree with both of you in terms of "letting go" and just taking care of me. In a lot of ways I have been doing that pretty well, but I still have my moments with H when I know he is lying and/or I feel protective of my S4. I've been trying to stay focused on the fact that my S4 seems to be doing better lately. He's not hitting or kicking me as much or acting out as much in general. Most of the time his feelings come out in sadness/tears. All of a sudden he'll just get teary-eyed and tell me he's sad. I ask him "what about?" and it's always "I miss my daddy." I do my best to validate his feelings without further feeding into them. He seems to be able to pass through it a little easier now. I can't believe how close we have become. Of course he's my son and we've always been close, but somehow I feel like he understands how deeply I love him through all of this and that he knows he can trust and count on me. That's a great feeling. I never bad-mouth H to S4 and always talk to S4 as if H is the greatest daddy who loves him so much. And he does love him, I know that, but I agree - it's like he's under the influence of a drug and nothing can reach him.

Other than the other day's conversation with H I have actually been detaching a lot. It's almost always H that tries to make conversation with me about some trivial thing and I honestly would rather not talk to him at all for a while - for as long is takes for me to let go of my anger. It's so hard acting like we're just friends, we're not.

S4 and I will spend Christmas Eve with my family and I asked H to take S4 Christmas Day so that S4 could have that time with him. H seemed reluctant. He pointed out that he wasn't going to stay at my place and would bring him to his apt (and likely w/ Ow) and I said "I understand." It hurts thinking my S will be w/ Ow on Christmas Day, but I know S4 needs his daddy.

I will probably file for legal separation as that will give me all of the same legal benefits of D, except neither of us can marry. No problem. I will file for Sep w/ the option of D in 6 mos, otherwise I would have to open a whole new case (which costs $$$). I think I will be able to take care of that after the 1st of the year.

I think that 90% of the time I go on with my life knowing that my M is over and that H is not coming back, or at least likely won't come back for a long time. The other 10% of the time it's memories and thoughts that come to mind all of a sudden and I grieve. I think this is ok, it beats the way I felt in the first 6 months. I never want to go back to that pain.

My job is a lifesaver, it's a great place for me. My S4 loves his preschool and soon I will have to start looking at Kindergarten My bankruptcy should be completed next week and I can start fresh. A friend and her S6 are staying with me for a while, she's going through her own M problems. My grandma gave me some Christmas money so I can actually get some presents and maybe some new clothes for myself!

You know what, I really hope H and Ow break up - even if he doesn't come back to our M, I just don't want her in my S4's life (or mine!). I can't see how a person like her could be good for my child. I hope she suffers guilt enough to wake her up to what she is doing. I hope H wakes up too! I know, it may never happen and they could live happily ever after I pray that whatever happens I will be able to accept the outcome and move on with my life. I'm doing my best.

Thanks again girls - you're awesome!