Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Hi Stilltryin...IMI,

I haven't posted for a while for a few reasons - friend staying with me, too tired, etc.

Thank you for the info on that book - I think I've seen it in the library - I'll check it out. The male role models my S4 sees, other than H, is my step-dad, brother, uncle, male cousins, and some of my friend's H's. He doesn't really have a lot of time with any one of them, but combined I think he has a pretty good picture. A couple of weeks ago my friends' H took my S4 and their two S's on a hike - I was really happy about that.

I asked H last week if he'd like to go to one visit during the week and Sundays since he hasn't really been keeping up with the 2nd weekly visit, and he agreed. SOB. But, I just couldn't take the constant last minute excused and disappointment. I'd rather not go through that or have S4 go through that! But I did tell H that I don't want it that way - I want him to show up more frequently and consistently - but he's just not doing it. He claims he just can't afford the gas money. Ha!

This morning we got into a conversation that I wish I hadn't. I think it started because he asked if he could take S4 on some work assignment later in the evening and I said no. I told him that I have no way of knowing that he won't just leave S4 w/ Ow while he's doing some odd-job to make $60 which he says he'll give to me. I told him I'd rather he spend the time with his S! H got angry and belligerant and actually called me a loser. What a jerk! I told him I didn't deserve that and he should apologize. I wanted to say - Look in the mirror buddy!

Anyway, I just couldn't walk out the door without trying to resolve it, so I missed meeting my friends and talked to him. Once again I told him that I believe that - with help - our marriage could be saved. Once again he told me "we're not compatible." He still wants to blame me and our R for his woes. I told him I hoped he could some day remember the good times and he said he does remember them - but "things changed". He blames my parents for not caring about him enough (long story as to why he feels this way - but they did and do care about him). I told him he's looking to this Ow "to fix him" and to fullfill all his unmet needs. I'm sure I just pushed him closer to her.

The bottomline is, he's not coming back. I hope you're right about someday he might look back and regret all of this - but it will be too late.

So, where do I go from here? Where do I post on this board now? We're not divorced, but there really is no hope left.

So how are you?

I'll check out your thread soon.