I have a couple threads actually. I would always end up getting discouraged that no one kept replying to mine that I would start a new one. Apparently I didn't hold peoples attention like you have! see below for all the threads, they're only like 1-3 pages long.
That's good that you never talk to your H about the negative stuff. I guess I would just say that maybe he's just afraid as failing as a father so it's just easier to not be one. I really don't know. It is so very sad. for both of them. There will be a day when your H looks back and dreads what he has done during this time. Beleive me, it will happen. Hopefully sooner than later.
I want to share a really good book from Dr. James Dobson. he is a christian author, and did use christianity in some parts of his book. I tell you this, so you'll understand his background. Anyways, I believe it's called Bringing up Boys. My brother in law gave it to me a year or two ago, and it is really really good. He mentions single moms a lot in the book because he's really concerned for their children. Our society of boys are so messed up now because of the tremendous D rate in these last 20 so years and it is because they don't have any one to teach them how to be a man. Yes, it is very important for us to mother them, and we can do some work in teaching them the basics of adulthood, but really, they need to learn from men, how it is to be one, and a good one at that.
So he talks about finding anyone (of course someone you trust) that can be a male role model for your child, and it doesn't matter how old or young, they will always be in need of this.
I'll give you an example from my life. My oldest is 8 now, and his dad lived in another state (my H) for the first 5 years of his life. We also have a 2nd child who is 2 1/2 now, another boy.
I can really tell in my oldest that he was missing a male figure in his life. Sure, he saw his dad, we had been together the whole time, but he only came up every other weekend. So basically, he was like an out of town uncle. My s8 lived with me, my mom, and my sister. Can you imagine what his temperment would be!?!
Well, it's hard to explain, but I can just tell now that the lack of a male figure has really had an affect on him. I really hope that now my H is really back with us, that he will really get involved in s8 life, as well as our s2.
In regards to your H just bein an excuse box, I just don't know what to say except for what the DR book says about using action, and trying different things to see what will work.
Have you ever thought about just bringing s4 over to H whenever he makes up an excuse? That would be an action. I'm not very good at being creative. I would want to tell him "if you need to cancel, you will have to tell s4 yourself, because I will no longer be the bearer of bad news to him. So if you want to disspoint him, you will need to do that yourself."
Maybe you could come up with some penalty for him cancelling plans? I would also want to tell him, that it is not acceptable anymore for him to cancel plans with s4 unless it is days before. Of course, you've probably already done this and it's not working.
I wonder what would happen if YOU cancelled the plans on him. Maybe even do it a few times in a row. I'm really back and forth on this, because I agree with you that there needs to be a balance, but what kind of father is he being now anyways? All he does is give dissappointment to his son. Your s4 is going to learn that he cannot trust people, and that disspointment is a part of life, and there is no use in trying, it will also build a wall for him because he will be getting hurt so many times that he will need to put up a wall from his emotions so that he won't be dissapointed anymore.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
see below for all the threads, they're only like 1-3 pages long.
