Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Still reeling from a R talk w/ H today. I think it started with talk of money, his job sitch and somehow got into a full-blown R talk. I can't recall the order of the conversation, but I need to put down a few of the "highlights"....

Me: I still think we can save our marriage, it wouldn't be easy - we'd need help - there's no trust.

H: I envy your confidence in that.

Me: I wished I could have conveyed my love, appreciation and adoration for you - I took it for granted that you would always be there because you said you would - and I believed you.

H: What did you love about me?

Me: I loved many things, you were kind, gentle, a person of character, funny & silly, affectionate...

H: I couldn't be that way with you anymore, I was afraid to be because you would just push me away.

Me: After having S4 I was tired and I was too afraid to say no (to sex) and rather than being able to play and be silly, I pushed you away completely.

Me: I am still in shock sometimes (that this has happened)

H: so am I

Me: I didn't know until just about 1 month before that our M was in such trouble

H: Until the day I went to the nightclub (where he met Ow), I didn't know either.

H: We're not compatible

Me: I think the important thing is how you value commitment and that your values are similar - interests come and go, two people can grow in different directions but still love each other and stay together happily.

Well, there was a lot to the whole conversation. We talked about his interest in the Goth scene. He seems to really want me to "approve" of it. I told him I've done a lot of reading about it this last year and that it seems to be about embracing the shadow side. I told him I'd already had enough "darkness" in my life and I want to embrace LIFE. I told him that I never knew how much he was interested in it because he never shared that with me. He says he was too afraid of my judgement and that now he's free to "be himself".

At the end of our talk he made a curious comment. He said "you probably shouldn't be alone today", meaning he assumed I would be so upset by our talk. I told him I was fine, that I am a strong woman and that I've been dealing with this for a year. I commented that I have always been a strong woman regardless of what he thought.

I now plan to completely detach again. Unfortunately, before he left this evening (after taking S4 out with Ow!!), I asked about his availability over the Thanksgiving weekend. I am taking S4 to my family's 1.5 hrs away, but I asked if he wanted to take him on Friday. He said, I don't know - I'll get back to you. I was so angry! I said "wow, nice life you have - you can decide whether you want to have day off or be with your S" (or something like that). And, "it's just like last Thanksgving - nothing's changed".

Last Thanksgiving was the worst time of my life. H and I separated on 11/12 and H lied and said he was going w/ friend down south for the holiday. I called friend who said he hadn't seen him in a week. I then called Ow's cell phone and asked for H - she gave him the phone! He was down south w/ Ow and told me "I have to see if what I feel for her is really true" (or some BS like that). He then proceeded to "disappear" by not answering his cell phone, not returning until 2 days after he agreed to be back, and supposedly ended up in the ER having anxiety attacks. What a nightmare! Meanwhile I ended up in the doctor's office getting antidepressants.

A dear friend and her H took me & S4 in for Thanksgiving. They held my hand and listened to me cry and never made me feel like I was burdening them. Thank God for friends!.

Well, it's been a year and of course I am so much stronger now, but the pain runs deep. I feel like I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Today I saw the tears in H's eyes and heard him admit that this is sad, but he seems so sure that we would never be compatible. He seems so sure that Ow is "the one".

I wish I could let go, not just detach and GAL while inwardly hoping to get him back. I want to move on with my life free from this constant grief and bewilderment. Life is short and I'm scared I'll never be able to let him go from my heart. I miss him. This morning I woke up and started thinking about what it used to be like to wake up with him by my side. I felt so happy. It hurts so much thinking that he is now waking up next to someone else who gets to be happy with MY HUSBAND. WTF!!

It just doesn't go away. I think once I can file for divorce I can get some closure. But I don't have the time or money - or emotional energy - to go through the process. I guess he doesn't either???

I pray for acceptance and peace...