I do believe that it is good for them to see their parents show emotion. When we do though, we need to not blame anyone for our sadness, and as you both said, show them that it is okay to cry or be sad sometimes and that is what family is for, to help make the sad person feel better.
It's so tough when children are involved. When they are so young, the less they know, the better. It is just too complicated for them to understand. All they need to know is that their parents are working on a problem and that they both love them and care for them.
The other thing is that they need to see that good things can be learned from these emotions. If they continue to see us sad and depressed, it will be an unhealthy lesson they are learning. They will also feel that they are a part of the unhappiness, because they cannot make their parent feel better, or their parent is never happy with them.
I wish you both happiness in the days to come and pray for reconciliation for all who are strugling.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Aid, I'm sorry you can relate so much to my sitch, it's a real tragedy when kids are involved. I have anguished for my S4, but I try to keep the Big Picture in mind. I know that in the long run he will grow up knowing that I have always stuck by him, that true character is built through facing life's challenges with integrity and honesty. That includes feeling our feelings and still showing up for life. I hope I will be a good enough role model for him that it will counteract the negative role model his dad is presenting to him. I pray my S will grow up to be a man of integrity.
Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of our separation. Tomorrow is my birthday. Last year at this time I thought I was going to die. I was facing Thanksgiving and all of the holidays without my H. One year later, I have "made it" through all of the seasons and all of the holidays and anniversaries. Of course I am much stronger today, but I still miss the family life we had together.
Instead, I have to watch H play house with Ow and my S4! Yesterday H brought S4 to a museum to see a dinosaur exhibit. He went on and on about how he had been given the tickets. Later when he dropped S4 off, he tried to make conversation w/ me about his family, S4's school, etc. He was acting pretty "nice". Well, this morning I found a museum receipt in S4's bag with "2 adults, 1 child" and yesterday's date. It is like he just keeps pouring salt in the wound. I waited until about 5pm to write a simple email saying I found the receipt and that it is clear he chooses to disrespect my wishes, but at least if he could remove all indications that Ow was there. I said the only info I need to have about Ow is what S4 wants to share with me.
Tonight I got 3 emails from H about it. The 1st one he told me I was out of my mind, the 2nd one he asked if his name was on it, and the 3rd one he said he wasn't negating what I was saying but that the tickets were given to him. WTF! What is his point? Was he trying to cover up for the money spent (since he's only given me less than 1/2 of what he owes me this month)? Or cover up the fact that Ow was there? I didn't respond and don't plan to. I just wanted to make my point - I said it would be nice if he would stop pouring salt in the wound.
I really can't wait to have the time to get the divorce process started. I am sick of being in limbo.
Thanks for listening and sharing.
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
H wished me a Happy Birthday today. Said he was sincere about it. A better present though was when he said he got a job!
One year ago today I was "celebrating" my birthday having our last counseling session after kicking H out 2 days prior. I was facing all of the holidays - and as it turned out - the next year (and rest of my life) without H.
I am sad, but I just keep walking forward.
I am praying for acceptance so that I can truly feel happiness again.
My S4 gives me joy, as do many friends, family and experiences. I just look forward to the day when there is no longer an undercurrent of sadness and loss for my H and the family life we shared for a while.
I need all of you, your strength and inspiration, through the holidays! I'll be here for you too.
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
oh, my sympathy and grief is poured out to you. I don't even know if I could have gone 1 year as you have. How strong you must be to be humbled as you have been. We will all be here for you, but remember that Jesus our Lord is the one who is the constant unchanging God of our lives who will never forsake us. This world is full of sin and pain, but we are saved thru him and that's what really matters in our lives. I'm not sure what religion you are, but that is what helped keep me going, so hopefully what I have said can apply in your life.
We all love you!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
oh, and just to let you know, I found out about the OW right before mothers day. I laid in my bed that whole day. My H actually made dinner that night (we have 2 young children too and luckily he stayed and helped with the kids during the 2 weeks I was in major depression after finding out).
Hope your birthday was better than expected. Next year will be even better!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Good to hear from you Nicola - thanks for your kind words!
Stilltryin' - thanks for your wishes too.
I am not religious but I do have a strong faith in a Higher Power, God. I am so grateful to God for the strength and courage I have been given this year. It's incredible.
And...I have been blessed with so much support - like yours!! Thank you!!
Monica
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Still reeling from a R talk w/ H today. I think it started with talk of money, his job sitch and somehow got into a full-blown R talk. I can't recall the order of the conversation, but I need to put down a few of the "highlights"....
Me: I still think we can save our marriage, it wouldn't be easy - we'd need help - there's no trust.
H: I envy your confidence in that.
Me: I wished I could have conveyed my love, appreciation and adoration for you - I took it for granted that you would always be there because you said you would - and I believed you.
H: What did you love about me?
Me: I loved many things, you were kind, gentle, a person of character, funny & silly, affectionate...
H: I couldn't be that way with you anymore, I was afraid to be because you would just push me away.
Me: After having S4 I was tired and I was too afraid to say no (to sex) and rather than being able to play and be silly, I pushed you away completely.
Me: I am still in shock sometimes (that this has happened)
H: so am I
Me: I didn't know until just about 1 month before that our M was in such trouble
H: Until the day I went to the nightclub (where he met Ow), I didn't know either.
H: We're not compatible
Me: I think the important thing is how you value commitment and that your values are similar - interests come and go, two people can grow in different directions but still love each other and stay together happily.
Well, there was a lot to the whole conversation. We talked about his interest in the Goth scene. He seems to really want me to "approve" of it. I told him I've done a lot of reading about it this last year and that it seems to be about embracing the shadow side. I told him I'd already had enough "darkness" in my life and I want to embrace LIFE. I told him that I never knew how much he was interested in it because he never shared that with me. He says he was too afraid of my judgement and that now he's free to "be himself".
At the end of our talk he made a curious comment. He said "you probably shouldn't be alone today", meaning he assumed I would be so upset by our talk. I told him I was fine, that I am a strong woman and that I've been dealing with this for a year. I commented that I have always been a strong woman regardless of what he thought.
I now plan to completely detach again. Unfortunately, before he left this evening (after taking S4 out with Ow!!), I asked about his availability over the Thanksgiving weekend. I am taking S4 to my family's 1.5 hrs away, but I asked if he wanted to take him on Friday. He said, I don't know - I'll get back to you. I was so angry! I said "wow, nice life you have - you can decide whether you want to have day off or be with your S" (or something like that). And, "it's just like last Thanksgving - nothing's changed".
Last Thanksgiving was the worst time of my life. H and I separated on 11/12 and H lied and said he was going w/ friend down south for the holiday. I called friend who said he hadn't seen him in a week. I then called Ow's cell phone and asked for H - she gave him the phone! He was down south w/ Ow and told me "I have to see if what I feel for her is really true" (or some BS like that). He then proceeded to "disappear" by not answering his cell phone, not returning until 2 days after he agreed to be back, and supposedly ended up in the ER having anxiety attacks. What a nightmare! Meanwhile I ended up in the doctor's office getting antidepressants.
A dear friend and her H took me & S4 in for Thanksgiving. They held my hand and listened to me cry and never made me feel like I was burdening them. Thank God for friends!.
Well, it's been a year and of course I am so much stronger now, but the pain runs deep. I feel like I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. Today I saw the tears in H's eyes and heard him admit that this is sad, but he seems so sure that we would never be compatible. He seems so sure that Ow is "the one".
I wish I could let go, not just detach and GAL while inwardly hoping to get him back. I want to move on with my life free from this constant grief and bewilderment. Life is short and I'm scared I'll never be able to let him go from my heart. I miss him. This morning I woke up and started thinking about what it used to be like to wake up with him by my side. I felt so happy. It hurts so much thinking that he is now waking up next to someone else who gets to be happy with MY HUSBAND. WTF!!
It just doesn't go away. I think once I can file for divorce I can get some closure. But I don't have the time or money - or emotional energy - to go through the process. I guess he doesn't either???
I pray for acceptance and peace...
Monica
My sitch: Me 40 H 30 M 8 yrs 1 S5.5 Bomb Oct 2005 Sep Nov 2005 H w/ Ow I filed for LS June 2007 H responded w/ D 2007 I have sole P custody, joint L Just need to take care of Final Judgement papers
I hope Thanksgiving this year proves to be a happy one for you.
Doesn't it just erk you when the Dads think they can just do whatever they want whenever without permission, but we have to ask or beg to do anything? They are a parent too, they are not a babysitter. ugh.
well, I want to say that my H also said during the A that he always thought the OW was the "one" for him. They dated 6 months before he even met me, so that was really hard for me to deal with. I could have handled it better, had it been someone totally new, but this was someone he had been friends with in the past and dated, but then just went their separate ways since they were young. Well, I know that she still texts him and he back, but he has told me that he wants ME to be his wife forever now, so I really think the A is over, but I want her out of our lives for good. Hopefully he'll end it for real.
So my point is, even though he thinks she is "perfect" for him now, he might still yet see (as time goes by) that she really ISN'T perfect.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
