Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Journaling,

I've got to vent. I am feeling totally overwhelmed at the moment. My H lost his job last week and told me he deposited less than half of the money he's been depositing - but I still haven't seen it in my account.

Meanwhile, for the past 2 days S4 has gone into crying spells at the end of the day over missing his daddy. Yesterday night he was inconsolable and only wanted to go straight to bed after bath. He cried desperately, held a picture of daddy and finally passed out. Tonight was some of the same, although not as dramatic. At one point he said "he melted" (as in the Wicked Witch of the West) - in other words, he *disappeared*. My heart can't take much more of this!!!

I am so angry with H for causing so much pain to everyone - to S4 especially, to me, and to the rest of our families. He's so SELFISH. All he can think about is "poor me, poor me". It makes me sick.

So, what does Ow see in him anyway? Well, we know she lacks moral and any other character, I guess like attracts like

Well, the good news is on Saturday I have plans to go out dancing with some of my girlfriends for my birthday. I actually have a babysitter already lined up! I'm excited to get back out into the world. The next day (Sunday the 12th) will mark 1 year of separation. I need to make plans for that day too. Maybe the beach. I know I'm going to need to reflect.

I wish I had the energy to go through all of the paperwork for my legal sep/divorce. I need to do that, I'm just not enthusiastic about spending what little alone time I have reading a bunch of depressing legal paperwork. Then I need to come up with the money or - hopefully - get a fee waiver. After all, I'm also in the middle of filing for bankruptcy.

How did I get here?? It wasn't that long ago that H and I were planning our future together, welcoming our beautiful S into the world, telling each other we loved each other "forever". We weren't rich but we were doing okay. We enjoyed being together.

I miss that. I pray that I can accept the end of our M and move on to meet someone else who will be mature enough to have a REAL marriage. My H isn't a "whole" person right now, he's so fragmented with depression, guilt, shame, fear, self-centeredness, etc. He thinks Ow is the answer and that he just "oops" made a mistake with me. He'll tell me he never lied about his feelings for me - he'll say "I felt that way at the time". How f'ing immature is that! I'm sick of having to deal with this adolescent crisis.

Well, I guess I've vented enough for now. It's getting late.