Moving Forward

[25yearsmlc]

Oh Monica,

hugs and thoughts and prayers your way...what an idiot for your H to walk around town with OW and s4...shows how clueless he is about other's perceptions of his behavior. Your behavior and appearance will eventually contrast enough with OW's for your H to notice, when he is in his next phase or returns to who he really is. Meantime you know what you gotta do, GAL, love yourself and love s4 as much as possiblle with gratitude/attitude. I know it's a cliche, but honestly something that really helped me was hearing this Rwondan woman talk about forgiving her neighbors for hacking her family to death, since they were from a different tribe--and how her faith got her thru it, etc. -It gave me perspective big time--we are lucky to be free, no one shooting at us, denying us the right to vote or walk around without male chaperones, we are healthy and have food, and we have children who are healthy and loving....in the grand scheme of things, we are doing quite well.

Sorry if that sounds like a platitude, but it did help me in my darkest hours. BTW, things at this end are looking up either way. I have detached a great deal and don't know if that is a coincidence or not BUT H is saying and doing things I've needed him to say and do, for a long time. We are re-connecting and I don't know where it'll all go b/c of what I want now--H wants back in the M under unknown conditions and I am trying to stay open minded and open hearted...as I said, either way I am at peace I THINK.....at least I have no more terror of being alone or without H....I will be alright with or without him and I now know that in a way I did not know before...it helps me a lot. And H has many regrets about what he has missed, or may end up missing forever. Sometimes I wonder how such a smart educated man can be so flippin' stupid....

I'm visiting him this week with d9 so won't get back to you until later but wanted you to know that it is still not hopeless anyhow. I have seen 2 divorces end up reconciling in my own family==my aunt Rita and her h divorced when I was little, don't know why, they had 3 kids. 5 years later at some family function they talked, had dinner and uncle asked her if she was happier single and she said no, they remarried and then, 6 years later when he died of cancer, she was at his side.....My cousin K- and his wife divorced when their son was about 5. I don't know all the reasons since I was little but I know they both do not drink now. They remained civil througout the time, and stayed in some contact due to their son. Then 8 (yes, eight) years later they reconnected and remarried and that was 12 years ago....so who knows?

keep on keeping on, one foot in front of the other and remember, you are not alone=
j-

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I'm sorry to hear things are still bad.

You are brave for trying to stand up for what is right in regards to the OW meeting your s4- totally irresponsible on your H, but it is not surprising given the fact they chose to have an affair in the first place. I don't know what I would have done, because my H's OW lived 5 hours away.

I am not sure which I would do, but maybe you need to tell your H that he can no longer take s4 out or maybe that he will have to have a chaparone until you can trust him to keep OW out of s4's life until the appropriate time. I mean, it's different if he's just lying to you (which is expected) and it affects you, but he's affecting his child. Maybe ask him if 1 year ago you decided to start an affair and see someone else and thought there was no problem having your S present...I don't know. H will probably never get anything no matter what you say. They are stuck in their lies and excuses and have caused themselves to believe that it isn't hurting anyone and they have every right to do what they are doing- they've told it to themselves so long that now they really believe it. That is why ACTION is so important, especially with men. However, I don't know what action you could take. Perhaps the following may help.

On a better note, I also agree your whole focus needs to be in GAL and your son, and PRAYERS! Something that actually helped me was to think about the beautiful loving man that God was going to give to me after all of this. I even made a list of all the characteristics I would want in a Husband.

I also think that if your H has any interest/love left in there somewhere for you, that it wouldn't hurt to try jealousy. At one point my husband started thinking I had found someone at church.. (ya, like I would do that, and especially someone from church, but since he did it, of course that is what he would think). Well, I think it jarred something and he started asking me more about where I was going or doing and getting more interested in ME.

I'm not saying you should find a new man, but perhaps just getting out alone (& meeting a friend or someone) and being very vague about your plans with him, and look absolutely HOT (he will have to be watching the s4 so he can see you, even for a moment). And then you must have FUN!!! So you come home with a glow and excitement. Just don't tell him what you did, or who you were with. Don't lie of course, but just be evasive.

Anyways, I was really trying to think of anything that might help, but your H might just be too young, and it also sounds like he's been pulled too far in and there's no going back, but God can create miracles- if that is His will for you.

Whatever happens, no matter how hard this struggle is, you are going to stay on top, you are going to keep your head held high, and you will have God supporting you steady, and you will become a strong, resiliant, and a wonderful woman, mother, and wife (it will happen).


In Christ,
Crissy

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose."

[MonicaP]

Thanks 25yrsmlc, your message was really helpful. I hope I can get to the point where I *know* I can live happily without my H forever. Sometimes I feel it and sometimes I miss him beyond words. When I'm in my grief I find it almost unbearable to accept that we are no longer together and all of this has happened. Fortunately I don't dwell on it long.

You're right about the fact that we have it pretty good. More than pretty good really. I do try to keep that in perspective and maintain that attitude of gratitude. I have many many reasons to be grateful!

But, I do feel like I've been taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back these days. Just when I think I'm getting ahead -H tells me he lost his job. With his job he lost his only car (company car). So, he hasn't been to see S4 this week yet and I haven't seen the money in my account he said he was going to deposit. Ugh!

All I can do is keep praying. I just can't understand why I am being tested so much. But again, I've got it really good in the grand scheme of things. H says he has some interviews lined up already and insists he'll be here to see S4 on Sunday. I hope Ow doesn't drive him (I don't think she even has a car).

Well, best of luck w/ your sitch, it sounds promising. That's awesome!

M.

[MonicaP]

Thanks stilltryin.

I'm praying a lot these days, it's the only power I have.

Yesterday H told me he lost his job Of course he tried to say it was because he wasn't meeting the expectation of hours (and he sort of hinted about the fact that he'd asked for all this time off to leave at 5pm). What a joke! H has barely been to see S4 but once during the week and then Sunday. I hardly think his job cared that much about 1 day. I'm hoping that the reason he got laid off will bug him and bring him to his knees so he might start asking for help. He still seems to be living in La-LA Land.

Well, I'm really exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open.

Stay in touch!

M.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

You know, this job loss could prove positive. IMHO I think he really needs to hit rock bottom and would also say that if it does come to him beggin for help from you... please don't help him. He does need to face his own consequences and FEEL it. I think you need to be compassionate, but he needs to get out of his hole by himself.

That would be really tricky because you don't want the OW to do everything for him, but if you say she has no car, maybe she will also have no means to help him so he wouldn't be able to use her that way. BUT let me express that you shouldn't take this advice unless you've really thought hard about it and researched here as well.

I'm glad to hear your using prayers to get you thru it. God is watching over you and he knows the good that can and will come out of this when it is all over. Keep using Him as your support and He will get you thru, because we humans are all unreliable,, and He is never changing and will always walk with us.

God Bless,

[MonicaP]

Stilltryin,
Thanks for the good advice.
I would be thrilled if H came to me for help BUT I would not give it to him. I agree that he needs to learn how to make his own decisions and face the consequences. The best I can do is support his R w/ S4. I want that for S4 more than anything, he adores his daddy. If S4 is the only anchor for H than I want to support their ongoing R. I definitely agree that H needs to hit rock bottom before he will even be able to see the TRUTH of his actions. But I'm really not convinced that he would turn to me, I think he has convinced himself that I changed so dramatically from the point we got married - he doesn't love me anymore. It's hard to accept.

MIL called me this morning to check in. She doesn't speak English and I only speak her language at an intermediate level, so it's a challenge. But I was able to get across to her my worry about H and that I was/am sad that it has all come to this. She suggests I shouldn't be jealous of Ow regarding my S4 meeting her because I am S4's mother and that will never change. Still, I resent H for bringing Ow into S4's life without my consent, he just doesn't get it.

Today was a good day. Met with some friends at a local park with our kids to play and picnic. Took S4 shopping for rain coat and boots. Ran into another friend downtown and then had another friend with her D5 over for dinner. Phew, it was a busy one, but fun.

S4 has been acting out and expressing his feelings about missing daddy a lot lately. It's hard for me to hear.

H said he deposited $ into my account and it's still not showing up Yet he's supposed to be over tomorrow - I wonder what his excuse will be this time. I really need a day to myself, I pray he shows. And I think S4 would be crushed if I had to tell him daddy can't make it. This is so hard sometimes.

I do rely on God to walk me through this.

Thanks for your support.

[MonicaP]

Journaling,

I've got to vent. I am feeling totally overwhelmed at the moment. My H lost his job last week and told me he deposited less than half of the money he's been depositing - but I still haven't seen it in my account.

Meanwhile, for the past 2 days S4 has gone into crying spells at the end of the day over missing his daddy. Yesterday night he was inconsolable and only wanted to go straight to bed after bath. He cried desperately, held a picture of daddy and finally passed out. Tonight was some of the same, although not as dramatic. At one point he said "he melted" (as in the Wicked Witch of the West) - in other words, he *disappeared*. My heart can't take much more of this!!!

I am so angry with H for causing so much pain to everyone - to S4 especially, to me, and to the rest of our families. He's so SELFISH. All he can think about is "poor me, poor me". It makes me sick.

So, what does Ow see in him anyway? Well, we know she lacks moral and any other character, I guess like attracts like

Well, the good news is on Saturday I have plans to go out dancing with some of my girlfriends for my birthday. I actually have a babysitter already lined up! I'm excited to get back out into the world. The next day (Sunday the 12th) will mark 1 year of separation. I need to make plans for that day too. Maybe the beach. I know I'm going to need to reflect.

I wish I had the energy to go through all of the paperwork for my legal sep/divorce. I need to do that, I'm just not enthusiastic about spending what little alone time I have reading a bunch of depressing legal paperwork. Then I need to come up with the money or - hopefully - get a fee waiver. After all, I'm also in the middle of filing for bankruptcy.

How did I get here?? It wasn't that long ago that H and I were planning our future together, welcoming our beautiful S into the world, telling each other we loved each other "forever". We weren't rich but we were doing okay. We enjoyed being together.

I miss that. I pray that I can accept the end of our M and move on to meet someone else who will be mature enough to have a REAL marriage. My H isn't a "whole" person right now, he's so fragmented with depression, guilt, shame, fear, self-centeredness, etc. He thinks Ow is the answer and that he just "oops" made a mistake with me. He'll tell me he never lied about his feelings for me - he'll say "I felt that way at the time". How f'ing immature is that! I'm sick of having to deal with this adolescent crisis.

Well, I guess I've vented enough for now. It's getting late.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I am so so sorry to hear about your S4's saddness. That never happened with me, for one, my s8 didn't have his daddy around until he was 4 (lived in another state with his mother while I lived with mine... ya, really stupid) then our youngest is 2, so really too young to get what was going on. Although there was one time he took both of our hands and took us outside, almost like he wanted us to get together, it was sooooo weird!

Anyways, I want to ask if you talk about H in front of S4.. does he hear you being upset or sad about H ever? If so, really try to limit that because with him being so young, he just won't understand and it will make him more upset if he sees it in you. I know it is hard.. I broke down in front of my s8 3-4 times.

Maybe don't tell s4 when H is suppose to come, since half the time your not sure if he'll call to cancel or actually show. That way you don't have to disappoint him.

Maybe have your s4 draw some pictures for him (can you mail them?)

And just remember, that your H is not himself, therefore, he is not going to treat everyone with the respect they deserve, even his only child. Especially when he wasn't shown by example how to be a "good" dad. Maybe part of him thinks he's just going to fail, so why bother trying, or that he is scared to fail so if he doesn't try, he can't fail. I say this because of the R he had with his dad. Wasn't he never good enough for his dad? I think I remember you saying that.

Again, I'm sorry for you and your s4. I could not imagine going through what you have for a whole year. You have been very strong thru this...and it is okay to break down, we are human, but Jesus will pick you back up. Just focus on Him.

We all love you, have a good time this weekend at the beach and try to give your s4 as much quality time with you as possible.. you are the true love of his life right now

[MonicaP]

Stilltryin,

Thank you for your kindness and insightfulness. Your suggestions are good.

In the beginning months I cried a lot and my S4 - just by virute of being w/ me 24/7 - saw me sad. For the past several months I have not cried often and almost never in front of my S. At first his reaction was to scream at me to stop crying and then maybe he would cry. But the other day after I had been crying in the shower S4 came and asked if he could give me a hug. So cute! I think I have managed to give him the message that it's ok (natural) to cry and that it can help us feel better. Nevertheless, I do everything I can to limit those very sad moments in front of S4.

When S4 asks "is daddy coming over tonight?" I usually say "I think so honey" or, "not tomorrow but the next day".

You're right, H isn't the same person today that I married. He still struggles and certainly his R w. his dad is impactful.

Well, I am super tired tonight!

I'll write more tomorrow....

[aid]

Monica,
I feel like I can copy your post and paste it into my thread. I have S4 and S2. I try not to cry in front of them. But sometimes it all gets to overwhelming and I get so sad adn I can't help it. S4 says, "mommy, just be happy". That breaks my heart. But I, too, tell him that it's okay to be sad adn everybody is sad sometimes. Maybe it's better that they see us show our emotions. Maybe they'll learn that sharing your emotions is healthy (unlike how my H was raised, and now look at him).