Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Journaling,

I've changed my subject line from Moving Forward to Praying for Acceptance because I feel stuck. I don't feel like I'm moving foward at all, at least not emotionally. In fact, the past few weeks have been some of the most painful. H seems to have moved past any residual ambivalence about our M and right into full R w/ Ow. He's introduced Ow to S4 on several occasions, including yesterday even though he's still unwilling to be honest about it. He ran into my parent's while out w/ S4 and Ow yesterday, talk about awkward moment! They hadn't seen him for 1 year. My step-dad walked away, my mom said hello. S4 said hi from a distance but somehow intuitively knew not to go to them. So strange. My mom discribed Ow as plain. Both H & Ow were dressed in black on a nice warm-ish day. It makes me sick to picture S4 out with them, "playing house" w/ my S!!!

I was feeling really sad since Saturday night, it carried over through Sunday and when H brought S4 home and S told me what had happened and that they were out w/ Ow I just got overwhelmed w/ grief. I excused myself to take a shower and just balled my eyes out. Of course they heard me and S4 later came to give me a hug. I sat with my wedding ring in the box contemplating returning it to H, but it just made me more depressed. Instead I called my mom and that helped. She advised me not to give back my ring, that some day I would feel differently.

So now I'm praying for acceptance. It seems impossible since all of this happened - almost 1 year ago (Nov 12)- completely out of the blue. I woke up one morning to my H saying he wasn't happy and the next thing I know he's telling me he's met Ow and thinks he's in love and here I am, still in shock.

He now claims he is going to marry her (eventually) and believes it's perfectly ok to include her in his visits w/ S4. And we're not even divorced yet!!

When does this pain end? When does the acceptance kick-in? Am I ever going to get over this? Am I ever going to be able to face him without this tremendous hole in my heart?

There's no hope left and I feel some of the same degree of depression I felt in the beginning. I know I have come a long way, but I feel doomed to grief.

How do I walk through this?