Moving Forward

[MonicaP]

Hi Maf,

I'm sorry to hear that about your sitch. I don't get it. Your H's words and actions don't match up. He is acting like he doesn't want to let go, but saying the opposite. Definitely confused! I think you're right to hold off on filing - unless of course you need the legal aspect for support, etc. - but I wouldn't with him anymore either. I'm sure that's hard to hear, but it seems to me that he has his cake and is eating it too. Do you think he would react differently if you said "no thanks"? Maybe he nees to know what he's missing - does that make sense? Hang in there.

I am feeling the loss tremendously lately. Ever since H told me (in response to my asking him) that he plans to marry the Ow. And I found out he has already introduced Ow to our S4. I think it's finally sinking in that H is gone and isn't coming back. He is totally obsessed w. Ow to the point where he can't even see clearly how all of this is effecting S4. He doesn't even get it at all. It seems that in his mind we aren't married and they are and he has every right to include S4 in his new life. He even wrote me some stupid letter recently - giving me an f'in "bio" of Ow and saying how bad he felt for Ow and S4 one night when I caught H w/ Ow before picking up S4. He did it without my consent AND then tried to blame me for me catching him. Ugh. I am so tired of this drama in my life.

I have actually been starting to detach more. I don't make conversation with him - polite or otherwise - unless absolutely necessary (if S4 is paying attention). I can barely say hello or goodbye. We've had a few run-in's recently and each time I see how completely out of touch with reality he is. He doesn't seem to grasp the weight of his behaviour on anyone except himself. It's all about him.

Regardless of all that, I miss him. I miss the man I met and married. I miss our family. I miss his companionship. I miss sharing our day-to-days. I miss ML. I think what I'm going through now is more of the acceptance and breaking down of the denial and shock. Even after a year (Nov 12) I still feel in shock sometimes. I can't believe we are really never going to be together again. God, it hurts.

I don't have any more hope. Just prayer. But even that seems empty right now. I just pray for courage and for the process to work because I am so afraid that I'll be stuck in this shock forever.

How do I heal from this? How do I accept that my M is over and that my H lied to me and betrayed me and breached the trust that I gave to him? How will I ever trust or fall in love again?

I struggle daily with my S4 who misses his daddy. He's very sensitive and can articulate his sadness and loneliness and it breaks my heart.

I think the saddest part is that we never had a chance to try. I believe we might have had a chance had he never met Ow. He told me he still wouldn't want to save our M even if she wasn't in the picture.

I just can't figure out why he hates me so much. He is so cruel and callous toward me now, like I should just "get over it" and I still can't figure out what was so f'ing terrible about our lives together. We had our fair share of problems, but nothing that I believed would ever lead to this.

How does he do it? How does H go to some of our favorite places with Ow or w/ S4? It kills me.

Well, I am exhausted - as usual. At least we get to "fall back" and hour

Take care - stay in touch.